Officially three days of posting no H drama and frankly there was so much less, coincidence, no.
Honestly, my mind has been a storm of feelings and memories and decisions and revelations. I
I woke up from a nightmare this morning in which my dad was yelling and being very aggressive with S9 and I commented. He began to rage and scream about how he is not S9's father and where the f*ck is his father...hmmm...I realized when I awoke that all of the significant men in my life have raged or had "issues" with women. I don't have a clue what "normal" male behavior is in or out of a relationship (nor female come to think of it).
I think that I will know I am mentally healthy when I have dreams/nightmares that don't depress the sh*t out of me.
H made a deposit and then wanted to know why I had to take so much of it. I laid it out for him (including suggesting we could look through both of our bank statements to see where money is going) and I'm very proud of how I handled it. He subsequently called me and sounded very tentative. I told him I was not angry to which he responded with relief, "Oh ok, good, I thought maybe you were upset." I explained that I really understand that he feels that he's always giving me money and that if he stuck to our agreement, he could avoid that. It really struck me how relieved he sounded that I wasn't angry (clue). I was in a fabulous mood and we made a little small talk and then I had to go. A couple of hours later he emailed me thanking me for being such a great mother and that he really appreciates me. That worked for me. The whole interaction worked for me. I was friendly, matter of fact and I got what I wanted (his cooperation) and the icing was the acknowledgement. Since that, I have heard much less from him and when I have, it has been pretty exclusively for him to talk to the boys and even a bit cold sometimes (yo-yo) which I have given up on reading into. Too many variables...this is progress for me.
My mind has still wandered into difficult territory but I think it is ok. I have been productive and have noticed my thoughts and noticed how much work it takes for me to focus. I've had moments of overt emotion over the littlest things (the romance in a kids' movie) and I have felt angry and disgusted seeing my kids struggling without their dad here (S9 is starting to show some signs of depression).
Got a LOT done these past few days, enjoyed the kids more, still a flutter with possibilities of where to live and school and work etc. Trying to see it as the opportunity it is.
I'm going to share a stream of consciousness poem I wrote because it is surely something I will never do anything else with...
thinly peeled layers seeing things all hazy heart beating so fast tired, amped and crazy
make it to the top i'll watch and crumble quietly observing takes less guts than living crying hurts more than giving love is nothing but a word that haunts with meaning fleeting day by day still i long for and wish those words could whisper my pain away
but there's nothing there but steely tones the lack of feeling penetrates my bones
drama yes, humiliatingly raw my mind is a whirl i feel like just a girl silly and awkward and blushing and flawed the torture of age is more than just wrinkles but the vacuum of knowledge can't i even know what I thought I knew?
so that a screw will do any piece of you laying with me on top or beside gentle or brutish a cuddle or pounding feels like life breathed back into a corpse and I get to feel like the woman I thought i was if only for moments that devolve into memories i reflect on, dissect and explore for some meaning usually to conclude it was all so demeaning
must i be deprived of my crack? do i have to drive a wedge? the flowers smelled so lovely, your body heat so warm damn you for leaving and staying at once make me pluck you out of the crevices one by one and send you off so i can fulfill your expectations I'm the rejector, the bitch, the ball-buster slowy but surely you ARE losing your luster
cause the tearing and scarring, they don't turn me on how long will i want you just because you're gone?
come closer please spend a bit more time remind me why i loathed you and sunk into my "mine" repulse me with your bragging and "woe is me" ways can't we have another marathon of f*cked up days? so I can remember that I want to run? that you are not the one who is tossing me out that really you drain me of life and inspiration?
The further you are, the more i am longing i hear the Debussy remember the Baudelaire mmmm...you are smooth with your music and rhymes you'll have a field day out there wooing anew yep, you were deep you were smooth, you were romantic did i turn you into this? did I miss all that splendor? or were just a star-f*cking cad and I, your clueless defender
too tired to figure it out? so am i why is it that I even try? quiet my mind. make it still just one time tell me you love me tell me if you were half of who I thought you were, you would be here the man I wish you would be.
Goodbye my love, or weighted glove or piece of cr*p or beautiful sap this long goodbye, another waste of words so much said, but so little purged Goodbye you, whoever you are. Goodbye.
