Divorce looming #13

[K4D]

Well,

Here is what I did. W calls me at 6 and says she is bringing the kids home. I said ok. She asked if I wanted her to pick up some food for them. I said its up to her, but I have food here for them. So she brought them them here. She really thanked me for letting them stay longer. She was very nice. She offered to help me get my queen sized bed on my rails which I haven't done yet. I said no need, I will take care of it. She said the girls room needs to be cleaned. I said yes it does and I am already planning on the girls to clean it before they leave. She said make sure the clothes are washed and in the suitcase before they come home and make sure they have showers before they come home. I said I will. I asked her if I could keep them later tomorrow night to take them to an event that I had been wanting to take them to. Its a single parents event with kids they have made friends with. She said yes, that is fine. I was supposed to have them back to W's house between 6 and 7 tomorrow. The event starts at 7. I figured lets see how this works. It worked well. She is accomodating.

So I get to keep them later tomorrow night than I would have and get to do something fun with them out of the apartment. Cool.

Also, D11 told me that MIL said to tell me that even though she is still mad at me, she said to tell me thank you for letting the kids come over and stay awhile.

Hmm... maybe some kindness and flexibility can pay off. I would never have expected a thank you from MIL. Thats for sure. That is actually progress in my opinion from her. She is a bitter woman.

So here is my thoughts on things. If your S wants additional time, before you grant it, ask if the same will be returned to you. I will do this next time. Fortunately she is working with me on it.

Ready2change said that he had the same thing happen where he granted some flexibility and it paid off for him to.

I say give it a try the first time. If S does not return the favor after, then don't grant it in the future. Don't be run over. This will tell her that you were willing to be flexible and she was not if she does't return the favor. And I hate to use this phrase, but its kind of a punishment for her the next time she wants it if she hasn't returned the favor. This can actually be effective from one website I read and from what yall have told me.

So grant it once. If it is returned, work with it. If not, end it. However, this is complicated because you don't want to punish the kids who are innocent. So set ground rules for times and don't budge on them. Tell the kids this is when they will be there and when they will be picked up. The kids will accept this. Then stick by it.

Here is the other thing I am finding that yall said is true. You have to act as if S is dead. You have to. If you don't, you will not move on. I hate the words move on. But if you are me, there is more damage caused by not acting like she is dead. Now personally I don't want to be alone. So in knowing that and how I feel when I am alone, I am trying to meet other people. Maybe even a relationship will form. Maybe it won't. I don't know.

Tonite I was cheerful and confident in front of W. I asked for nothing other than more time tomorrow night with the kids for an event. She granted it willingly. She saw that I had the washer pulled out. She asked why. I explained how I hooked up the hoses to the wrong faucets. She said that sucks. I said yes it does but I will get it fixed.

I in no way at all showed any need from her. Granted my feelings are different. But I did not show them to her.

As far as she knows, I am coping with things and handling things. Now that may not change anything with her. But it doesn't push her away from me to see me handling things on my own without her help.

Of course there were times when I got frusturated and wanted her there to help me. But I did not contact her or tell her that. I have to be confident in front of her. But I also have to prove to myself that I can do things without her. If I can't prove it to myself, then it is nothing more than a mask to her that won't hold up. So I have to do it for me.

How do you deal with the loneliness? You have to get out and meet people. Stay involved. You have to force yourself to talk to people. Not everyone will be a buddy to you. You have to work your way through people and not put your problems on them.

I went to starbucks tonite and I started talking to a 21 year old worker there who was very friendly. We talked all about her and what she is doing in life. I ate a desert there while talking to her. I listened to everything she had to say and I asked further questions and just had a good time with her. At the end I told her it was nice meeting her and I will probably see her again since it is right next to where I live. She then asked me what is my name. I was stunned. I told her I am Kevin. She told me her name and that she lives close by to. She was really a great person. I loved her personality and she has many great traits about her. It was cool. I probably made a friend there. Thats nice.

Good friends will help you get through these things and help you figure out that there is more to life than one person in this world.

I have to admit that I was thrown by the fact that she actually wanted to know what my name was. All I did was just talk to her and be friendly and show interest in what is going on in her life. That is something Ready2Change does to.

I am starting to figure things out. I think a big thing for me was fathoming what I lost financially and wondering how will I ever get back there again. I hate to say that. But it really worried me to death. The other thing was can I ever attract anyone else so I am not alone for the rest of my life. I am a people person. I had a lot of fears running through me and not all of them were genuine with regard to a relationship. I let my fears control me. That was bad. I am still dealing with that. But I am starting to see that like 25 says, I have to get beyond that before I can really be a whole person. Its a work in progress. It doesn't change over night.

My life may never be again what it was turning out to be financially. It may never be again what it was sexually. It may never be alot of things it used to be. But I have to grow up and be thankful for the things I do have. I have my kids every other week. I have a job that pays the bills now. I won't be making this pay forever if I really apply myself and take some risks now and then. I will be more successul if I work hard.

People in general like me. Not everyone is into image. If my W never comes back, I will eventually find someone else that is better in that they will appreciate me for me and I will be a better person for learning from my mistakes of the past.

I have a lot to work through. There is no question about it. But I have the ability to do it. I just have to force myself to do it. And I am working on that. This separation is good for me. It sucks emotionally. But it is good in that I have to survive. I told my dad today that it is lonely. He said yes it is, but I have to do it. He said he feels the same things. My mother is dead now. He said he misses her. But he finds things to keep himself busy and finds ways to enjoy himself. He doesn't have the worry that consumes me. He has retirement for the rest of his life. So he is fine money wise. Its just trying to find a way to be happy alone. And he works on that himself.

But I am making this. This coming week will really be a big test for me with not having the kids and completely being alone. But I am joining groups to try and have plans each night so that I don't feel alone.

I get to have dinner with my kids Wednesday night. Me and W agreed a week is a long time to not see them. So when she has them, I will have dinner with them on Wednesday nights and when I have them, she will do the same. I'm betting she flakes on them though. I could be wrong.

I was looking at her tonite and she looks like she is starting to put weight back on again from drinking and dining out like she has been doing. I'm thinking that is great. Hopefully she will move out of this I'm so hot stage and come back to reality and maybe we can have a chance again. But I am not saying anything. I am just doing what you all have told me to do.

So anyways, D7 watched Rocky 5 this morning, Rocky 1 tonite and is watching Rocky 2 now. She wants to watch Rocky 6 next. I cannot believe how into this series she is. Its really funny. I'm truly stunned that a 7 year old girl is this into it.

D11 is playing on the other laptop. I explained to them what Rocky 1 was about since he lost that match. I explained that the point was could he go the distance against all odds and he did. It wasn't about winning or losing but could he stant up to the test against the world champion and he did. They understood what I was saying. There are so many lessons from this series in life.

Kevin