It's ALWAYS been about her. Every conversation, everything -- like I've said, she's very narcissistic.
IMO, you are damaging your chances of ever having the M you want with your W by continuing to diagnose her and think of her as narcissistic. Let her IC figure out what her issues are.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Had she been working harder (oh hell, working at ALL) to try to mend my wound over her affair these past two years...I could be SOOOOO sympathetic, I really could.
She doesn't work harder to mend your wound over the affair, because to face it means "I am a bad person that did an unforgivable thing," instead of "it was a mistake that I can fix." If you want her to feel like this is a mistake that she can work to fix, then you have to show that it is. You may feel that you have told her that, but what you say here says differently.
This thing has been made so big that your W can't even face your family over it. Your brother writes books about how much she sucks (I'm exaggerating, but you get my drift). If the "consequences" of an affair are that you are constantly in a corner, defending yourself, that's all you're gonna do. Defend yourself.
If that's how she feels, she is not going to be working to try to make it up to you or even thinking about how you feel--how you feel is just one more thing to avoid. FWIW.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
IMO, you are damaging your chances of ever having the M you want with your W by continuing to diagnose her and think of her as narcissistic. Let her IC figure out what her issues are.
No, I'm not a mental health professional, but I'm perfectly capable at reading the symptoms. I'd rather deal from that reality (because there are techniques you can use in dealing with them, like there is with Borderlines).
Quote:
She doesn't work harder to mend your wound over the affair, because to face it means "I am a bad person that did an unforgivable thing," instead of "it was a mistake that I can fix." If you want her to feel like this is a mistake that she can work to fix, then you have to show that it is. You may feel that you have told her that, but what you say here says differently.
This thing has been made so big that your W can't even face your family over it. Your brother writes books about how much she sucks (I'm exaggerating, but you get my drift). If the "consequences" of an affair are that you are constantly in a corner, defending yourself, that's all you're gonna do. Defend yourself.
With all due respect, Iamlost, "Oh please." I've brought up her affair probably FOUR OR FIVE TIMES, in TWO YEARS, and NEVER, EVER in an attacking or an accusatory manner. I have so NOT lorded this over her it's not even funny, and if anything, she maybe NEEDS to have talked about it more, but I'm not going to force her. My family has been nothing but kind and forgiving to her, and have actually been the ones to reach out to her, rather than the other way around. It was 75 words in a 200-page book, and even that didn't even mention her name or even which brother he was talking about and it was written from the context of my brother expressing his appreciation for his own wife's devotion and fidelity.
She's never had to defend herself. I DID want her to make some EFFORT, however, at working at healing the marriage, but I guess that's too much to ask. She went to a sum total of TWO MC sessions with me, and didn't even do the exercise she was supposed to do (which was pay me a couple of genuine COMPLIMENTS over the three-week period in-between MC sessions. She couldn't do it ONCE). And this was after we basically PUNTED having her work on my primary LL, which is "physical touch," because that's too hard for her.
I DID want her to make some EFFORT, however, at working at healing the marriage, but I guess that's too much to ask. She went to a sum total of TWO MC sessions with me, and didn't even do the exercise she was supposed to do (which was pay me a couple of genuine COMPLIMENTS over the three-week period in-between MC sessions. She couldn't do it ONCE). And this was after we basically PUNTED having her work on my primary LL, which is "physical touch," because that's too hard for her.
Hey, I've hardly ever defended Mrs. P, enough others here that do that. I think you're right: she's self-centered, has sex issues, and other stuff. You know that. She now says she's going to see an IC and work on them. I think you need to give her time to do that; she's not going to instantly or maybe even quickly transform as fast as you seem to be wanting. If she doesn't go to the IC and work on those issues, you can reevaluate. But seems like you're judging her too quickly. And let the IC deal with all that stuff. Not your problem. Sorry for the repeat on that... I know you have the insight into her and I think you could probably psychoanalyze her better than any C, but you're her H, not her C, right? Karen
Did you ask her why she's not wearing it? In a non-confrontational tone... Karen