Hey Punkt, you always encourage me it's good to hear well see your voice. I have actually read a lot of post and would like to offer my thoughts but I'm so lost at times myself I feel like I need to install a disclaimer before I enlist my analysis to someone's sitch. I just hurt a lot and I am running out of excuses to tell my heart. That is why I try to state exactly how I feel or felt when something occurs, being as descriptive as possible so if someone catches a post of mine then maybe they can relate or maybe garner some insight to their own sitch. It is better to give than to receive; that's Gods way so I will work on that.
I would also like to post more, but there has been nothing going on really with my M other than my emotional vertigo. I have also kept a journal in which I try to write as much as possible; minus a few years b/c I took it up to my business (out of sight out of mind) b/c my W did not believe in privacy unless it was her own. I get a call a month if that. It's a really weird place this limbo. Some days I have to wake up and remind myself that I am ALONE. Hell, I still sleep on the same side of the bed just to look over where my W used to be. You know, there was something that occurred before I changed the locks, but what took me so long is that I knew she would be back after I got a text from her last year on Thanksgiving Day saying that the day felt really bad and odd. My wife slept with the fan on, so possibly every day for the first 4 or 5 months I would close the bedroom door in hopes that when I returned from work she would be in bed. There were even times when I would be late for things including work b/c I would drive back home to make sure I had closed the bedroom door. Then once I returned home, before I set my keys down, I would run upstairs to see if I could hear the fan then I would open the door to see if she was there. She was never there. I guess looking back I'm seeing how you can get so caught up in habits and or be an emotional wreck. I could have just seen her car or not seen her car when I got home and knew, but I was not looking for her car; I was looking for her. Seems crazy looking back at that but I married her for life and I am genuinely into her for her. I also still read her text messages. It is so mind blowing how the first part of the month that she left I was reading my marital acquired nickname, gestures of affection you name it, just to all be aborted within a 2 week span. I realize the prevailing issues were longer than 2 weeks that lead up to the separation, but just seeing that drastic change is so unbelievable.
I know I cannot fix this alone so have long asked God to fix it. I have no control over this situation or her, but I do have control over me. And with that said, today I feel like I need to move on with my life. My W has been texting me for a few days and I'm thinking OK something is happening. She is asking about my father, wondering what I'm up to as well as how I've been. Being upbeat I give myself a compliment in a return text to her and she replies that "You are still cocky is it still -her- or somebody else" I did not respond after that b/c that really got to me b/c it has been 10 months and she is still relentless at whatever it is she is trying to convince herself of. I am at a point where I'm so tired of letting her ride with some of the BS she is saying. It's just not right. I have done the just and noble thing in Gods eyes. I have been completely faithful throughout this M and every other separation that has occurred. She has left so many times; I honestly think she has some real issues beyond the scope of the M. So here I am doing my best to GAL, staying patient, ignoring my needs, lonely as all hell and still missing her just to keep giving her opportunities to belittle me and continue her journey to find herself all at my cost. I think I'm getting tired of being sick and tired. I have not pressed any issues since Oct/Nov of last year, but if this is where she is still at after 10 months w/o me on her own what do I have to look forward to? Why doesn't she come get all of her things? Why doesn't she give me the dissolution papers back? I deserve to be happy to. I am just tired. My next GAL like you said Punkt "save room for her", but I think I need to completely detach and just not deal with her. I have done the back/forth thing before and I promised myself I would never in life do it again. Here I stand
