I decided to make a new thread as it has been a while since I have updated my story and D is uncomfortably close.
I suppose I am about to embark on a new chapter in my life as my D should be final within a matter of 2-3 weeks, maybe sooner if H decides to do it sooner.
Am I ready? ....No, I am not. Have I been doing well with my DBing? Not lately. I have let my emotions get the best of me recently and got a little too excited when H and I had been getting along incredibly well the last few weeks. I allowed myself to get let down when he had to tell me once again " I don't feel the same"
Ive heard this from him tons of times in the last 8 months of separation, but something struck me as different this time. I got really mad.
I have put aside my own feelings and pain for the last 8 months so that when I actually do see him I act happy and carefree so that we can just enjoy each others company. I have been going through so much in my life, recently being diagnosed with skin cancer, struggling to get through school with all of this stress and dealing with the fact that H got fired from his job/finances.....and for what? There has been no progress between the two of us. In fact, I would say things are worse because he seems to absolutely love his new life. Of course! Because he gets to live with his cousin and have no responsibilities. He can do whatever he wants and has no one to answer to.
After all of this do I still want my M to work? Yes, and I don't know why. Because I love my H? Because I can't move on from him? I have never felt this unmotivated and depressed in my life. And now, I have no choice but to try to pick up the pieces and move on.
I have decided to go "completely dark". No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no communication what so ever. If this is what he wants then I am just going to stop trying. I have put so much of my time and energy into saving this M and it feels like nothing I am doing is working. Since D is going to be here soon anyway, I dont think its going to hurt anything.
Especially when yesterday he said " I thought we were just going to be friends"
I am not giving him that. He doesn't get to use me and then go back to his single life when he is tired of me again.
So I want to use this at updating and journaling my progress and I hope that if anything comes up that I am unsure of, I hope you all can give me great support and advice once again.
I am open to any other suggestions too. One thing is that I have been sucessful in GAL. I participate in church every week, I volunteer @ the animal shelter when I have spare time, I work full time, I am always doing something with my friends..but no matter how busy I keep myself, I always feel like a part of me is missing. I can only hope this last attempt works...but I know that the D will happen. I will not truly give up though, even after its over.
