PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[markhaving probs]

PM,

I am so sorry to hear about your rough weak. To hear that your H has finally said it is over must be absolutely heart-breaking.

As you have said he is using contempt as a way of covering up his guilt, to justify it all, you know it and he knows it too.

You have the support of your parents which is so important, you also have your children and the support here from us.

From reading your threads you have really given it everything, so you cannot reproach yourself, you have not left a stone unturned. I know that you will not give up, but you know now you have to concentrate on you and your children as there is nothing you can do or say that will make any difference to your H.

You said yourself you have come a long way in a year, therefore you will continue to grow as a person and who knows what the future will bring.

You are in my thoughts PM, take care and god bless.

Mark x

[Can it work]

Hi there PM,

First let me apologise for not being around much lately. Things have been a bit hectic on my week off work. It's not been quite as relaxing as I would have hoped!

I'm very sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time of it. It sounds as though you've really been put through the grinder. Try not to lose too much heart though. Life has a funny way of testing us to the point of breaking but I truly believe it makes us stronger people in the long run. You're a perfect example of that. I know myself from the time I've been in contact with you how far you've come as a person and in doing so you've become an inspiration to us all. Even when I started out on here you weren't nearly as strong as you are now. Yet you still give wonderful advice to all who come looking. You should feel no shame from needing a bit of help yourself every now and then. If you didn't you wouldn't need to be here.

I agree with what others have said in that you already knew what your IC told you. There was nothing new there. Yes, it's harder to hear it vocalised in such a way but really there should have been no surprises. If you still feel hope in your sitch, don't let your IC or anyone else tell you otherwise. Yes he knows both you and your H intimately but not as well as you know each other. I don't agree with your IC putting a time frame on how long it will take your H to get back to a caring attitude. Not unless he councils using a crystal ball. There are things which could change in the short term which could completely reverse the thoughts and feelings your H has at the moment. Obviously, the greatest of these is the OW. If something happened and they broke up tomorrow I can assure you that his outlook on life and your sitch will change dramatically. I'm not saying it will definitely change in your favour but it will most definitely change.

I wouldn't worry too much about the use of the word contempt either. I have contempt for my W for what she has done to my family but I also love her with every fibre of my being. I'm fairly sure that contempt is not the only feeling your H has for you. You need to ask yourself what makes him feel this contempt. I would bet that it's not so much you but the feelings you create in him. Namely the guilt and the failure to his children. Because of the fog he's in it's difficult for him to see that the main cause of the problem is him. He's convinced himself that you're not an option in his life and therefore you're making it difficult for him. A moment's clarity on his part may allow him to see that he brought about his own contempt. For that I would argue that the contempt he says he feels for you is, deep down, a hidden contempt for himself and what he has done and continues to do. He's rebelling against the changes he sees in you. It's difficult for him to see past what you had when you were together. It's much more difficult for us LBSs to project our changes on to our spouses than it is for us to make those changes in the first place. We move forward where they remain in the past. Most of us will agree that the past is not somewhere we want to dwell any more because it is a painful place. I for one would not like my M to be the same if I ever manage to reconcile with my W. I know in myself though that if I did get another chance at it, we could be much happier. My W however can't see that right now because she's dwelling in out of date feelings for the person I was. It's this realisation from them that requires the patience and hard work to bring about. What I believe in your sitch is that nothing is going to change as long as the OW is there. She is allowing him to live in the past because that's where he met her. He's not being given a chance to move forward on his own.

I think you should move forward with whatever makes you happy now and forget about him for the meantime. It doesn't have to be the end but I think you do need a new beginning. In writing terms, call it the next chapter. Accept your life now without your H in it. Leave that baggage behind and move on to a happier you. Nobody knows what the future will bring but once your H realises what he's lost it will give him that extra incentive to find it once again. Whether you're there for him or not is dependant on where your new beginning takes you. If it takes you back to your family, so be it. I would go to the ends of the earth to be with my son. I would hope that most men would be the same.

Don't write your H off just yet. On the same note though, don't waste any more of your life clinging on to hope. He'll know where to find you if he realises what a special woman he's lost. Let fate decide how it will go from there.

Be strong PM and be happy. Life is for living and it's for you. Embrace it in all its glory.

Kev X

[25yearsmlc]

Well this does suck...even if it isn't "new" info, it hurts like hell to hear it.

Hugs....(Sigh) etc.

I will say that the contempt thing does pass and from what I know, maybe a bit faster than your c suggests. But hey, we didn't hear what your h told your c. Bet he said a mouthful as he was peaking in his justifications. Thing is, down the road as your genuine changes are made, your "data" won't match his data; ie his excuses for leaving. And what will he think and do then? Oh, I know, regret it OR say "she does that NOW but when WE were blah blah blah"....and it'll nag the heck out of him to know that it COULD have worked. Or he'll do like my ex bil did and ask to come back. Alas my older sister had met someone else and she IS happier.

Go figure. Don't underestimate what you offer a man. Not that you MUST be with one, but you'd be surprised at how many decent guys are out there who just want a fun loyal companion. And God help me for saying this stupid cliche, but hey, KIDS ARE RESILIENT!! I hate saying that b/c it's the LINE of the WAS....but you know, your kids are going to be around so many other kids with single parents or blended families. My kids are unusual in that regard--seriously I think my d20 is in the minority of her friends. About 6 or 7 out of 10 are divorced or remarried so when we had our "issues" she did NOT feel out of place. I think her friends are struck that we are together, as is she sometimes. (Me too come to think of it ;))

You will heal, you will love and laugh again I swear. Keep posting, there are still storms ahead. But I FEEL as if you are through the hardest part in a way. Like limbo is over. You can close the door now, and mourn the loss of your M. Someday, maybe the door will be UNLocked by some big actions from him. If you stay dignified and calm and approachable, while still protecting yourself and your kids, who knows?

You can keep the road home paved and smooth AND still move on. Make sense?
Shoot, sometimes that is what it takes, but it's not a tactic; it's a change. For real. For you. Try hard to keep visualizing yourself happy WITHOUT him...be detailed and specific. That is your future.
((( hugs!! )))

(( j ))

[25yearsmlc]

Well this does suck...even if it isn't "new" info, it hurts like hell to hear it.

Hugs....(Sigh) etc.

I will say that the contempt thing does pass and from what I know, maybe a bit faster than your c suggests. But hey, we didn't hear what your h told your c. Bet he said a mouthful as he was peaking in his justifications. Thing is, down the road as your genuine changes are made, your "data" won't match his data; ie his excuses for leaving. And what will he think and do then? Oh, I know, regret it OR say "she does that NOW but when WE were blah blah blah"....and it'll nag the heck out of him to know that it COULD have worked. Or he'll do like my ex bil did and ask to come back. Alas my older sister had met someone else and she IS happier.

Go figure. Don't underestimate what you offer a man. Not that you MUST be with one, but you'd be surprised at how many decent guys are out there who just want a fun loyal companion. And God help me for saying this stupid cliche, but hey, KIDS ARE RESILIENT!! I hate saying that b/c it's the LINE of the WAS....but you know, your kids are going to be around so many other kids with single parents or blended families. My kids are unusual in that regard--seriously I think my d20 is in the minority of her friends. About 6 or 7 out of 10 are divorced or remarried so when we had our "issues" she did NOT feel out of place. I think her friends are struck that we are together, as is she sometimes. (Me too come to think of it ;))

You will heal, you will love and laugh again I swear. Keep posting, there are still storms ahead. But I FEEL as if you are through the hardest part in a way. Like limbo is over. You can close the door now, and mourn the loss of your M. Someday, maybe the door will be UNLocked by some big actions from him. If you stay dignified and calm and approachable, while still protecting yourself and your kids, who knows?

You can keep the road home paved and smooth AND still move on. Make sense?
Shoot, sometimes that is what it takes, but it's not a tactic; it's a change. For real. For you. Try hard to keep visualizing yourself happy WITHOUT him...be detailed and specific. That is your future.
((( hugs!! )))

(( j ))

[25yearsmlc]

PM,

checking in...how are you? We're all rooting for you. Hey, when you get a chance see if you can find smartcookies' thread or some other "survivor's stories" b/c they more than inspirational. Sorry if I'm repeating myself there. But hey, sending hugs...

((( j )))

[markhaving probs]

Hi PM,

I hope you are well. Please try to stay positive as I think you are an incredible person given your circumstances. You will do the right thing, you know you will.

Please could you have a look at my last post on WAW1 - Anticipation before it was locked.

I have now started a new thread - WAW1 - Anticipation2 that I would like your advice on.

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Kev, 25yrs and Mark,

Thanks very very much for your support. It was tough. A lot of tears. Will write more tomorrow. But I apprecite your kind thoughts and vibes coming this way. I need to process and then write you all back. I feel so sad for the kids. But from DB POV, I think I did quite well.

In 25ys words, I stayed calm, dignified and approachable while protecing my kids. I achieved it and proud of myself. More later.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Kev, 25yrs and Mark,

In 25ys words, I stayed calm, dignified and approachable while protecing my kids. I achieved it and proud of myself. More later.

As long as you do this, ie, do your best, try to leave the results up to God. If you and your h don't end together, my heart tells me God has something else planned for you that will be very very good for you and your kids. Can you trust Him? Easy to say, I know. I "turned over" my problems to Him a lot, but then I'd go and take them back....so for me, letting God KEEP them was my challenge. Sometimes I was really good at it! Keep on keeping on...
j-

[PositivelyMommy]

It was a difficult day. We cried a lot when we broke the news.

My D7 was the one with the insightful questions. 'Are you and Daddy still together? Are you going to stay married? ' It was so hard to answer her.

I refused to be the one to break the news so waited for H to start saying the words. My little D7 was sitting on my lap at the time, her whole body language changed. Her head dropped, shoulders dropped, arms dropped. She was in tremendous shock. 'Why does Daddy have to leave?' 'I thought he was going to stay with us forever.' This last comment killed me. All I could say was 'So did I.'

She also asked in bed, 'After a few years, will he come back?' I had to tell her no. I didn't want to lead her on like he led me on for months without a definite answer. It was cruel both ways.

She doesn't understand and I don't understand the answer either. Why NOT try? Why is he putting the innocent children through this?

She loves her dad so much. She wants him near. She misses him dearly. I am worried about her. I e-mailed her teacher and school counsellor so they will be aware of what happened this weekend.

My little S9 feels scared. He can't articulate it but he was sobbing loudly in bed last night.

I am glad I had a year to get stronger so I can help them through this tough time.

At the end of the evening H came to me and thanked me for helping break the news to the kids. I was crying. He said that he was grateful I was strong for them. I thought they are my kids no matter what I think of you and your methods, of course I would do everything in order to protect them. I was also thinking, you see how I love my kids, that's the way I love you too but you don't see it or appreciate it. I still love you this way but you don't want it.

But because I am db'ing I didn't want to come across as needy so I didn't say those words.

He then stayed behind and we talked about what was on his mind for about an hour. About his work mainly, what else? He kind of unloaded his worries. I tried to encourage him.

Things like'I don't always agree with your actions or decisions but I am glad you are making a good decision for yourself (regarding work).'
'It's good that you know your worth and is standing up for yourself.'


He is making a lot of changes in his life, his family, his work. I think he is slightly MLC ( all except the sportscar). So he is looking to see what will make him happy.

25yrs I will hand this over to God. I really hope he can help me and the kids through this time in our lives.

[25yearsmlc]

Yes God CAN AND WILL help you and your children through this. Remember to visualize your future as a happy one and for now, assume he's not going to be in it much BUT that you WILL STILL be happy.

Sorry about the kids pain. It just sucks. I think I posted to already about how to stress what stays the same in the kids lives. I do NOT think it's leading them on to say daddy MIGHT someday live closer to them, nor is it wrong to say you both will always love each other (in some form), and of course that you are always going to feel glad you m him b/c hey, you got THEM in your world, and what a prize!! If they ever ask why you two got m and why it did not work, maybe say "must have been M b/c God wanted us to have YOU in our lives!" even if it turns out we weren't "meant to stay together forever" (--Don't know how to word that one so ask the c, but I do know that they need to believe you see them as they are; i.e., so valued and loved by you (both, hopefully).

I find it amazing that he does not think the kids will ever get it about the OW, but that will be an interesting event. OW must wonder wth is going on but bet anything she does not yet know this condition of his. Hmmm. Well, once you are gone he'll have ALL that space he so needed...but no one to talk to about it...oh my my, PM...you are doing the right thing. Not as a tactic (but I can't think of a better one at this point) but as a move for YOU and YOURS.


Remember PM, you can GAL move forward, and keep the road home paved and smooth as well. You can do it all, IF YOU WANT TO, but you don't have to want to...so move forward, see how YOU feel and what God has in store for you. I have a really good feeling about your long term future. I really do. Did you check out the survivor stories or smartcookie's threads somewhere here?

Honey you are going to be alright. More than alright. You really are. Have faith. Rememeber if you operate in fear, you are not operating in faith. YOU CAN DO THIS. You are! God Bless your family and your parents and I hope your h finds some sort of clarity in his life soon. Even if all it does is bring him closer to your children, it'll be something good for his troubled soul, and your kids.

Try not to show the kids how much pain you are in. They need comfort FROM YOU rather than having to give it TO YOU...I know you know this but you'd be surprised how many LBSers use the kids for their pain. (Ever hear Kelly Clarkson's song "Because of You"? Hard to hear if you think of a mom doing that to her kid, but a good warning for us all as parents).

HUGS!!

J-