Hi L, A and B39,

Remember the 24 hour rule? My 24 hour rule is now a few days or a week or two. Now that the shock is worn off (about XH's GF) and with the help of you and the others I am on a little more even keel and have figured out my motives for what I suggested.

Since I have had the crack in the door all this time I guess I was subconciously (and not) hoping that when XH's R with Sweet Pea was over he may come my way. I was fairly certain that his R with her would fail just because of the circumstances and what I knew about her and him, etc. What was it, 3%. A 3% success rate is pretty slim. On the other hand I feel much more threatened (not really the right word) insecure maybe of woman #2 (I can't even call her OW now), let's call her Mystery Girl. By threatened I mean that all I do know is that she has no children (like XH originally wanted), she has progressed at a reasonable rate of two years or so to moving in with him and the ONLY complicating factor with her was her overbearing mother in the house, which Mystery Girl has apparently vacated. What I'm saying is that from what little I know, she seems like a normal uncomplicated sort of R so it has a good chance of working therefore not much hope for me and XH. That's what made me feel so glum.

What prompted thoughts of the goodbye letter I think was my own desperation that XH is slipping away again and that I somehow was missing my chance. Maybe if I wrote him this letter, somehow something would stir within him and he'd think twice about me or Mystery Girl...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAA!!! Did I mention what a ridiculous thought that is?

What to do...nothing.

This just isn't the time nor do I want to stick my neck out. If he wanted to be back, he would be back. It's simple, really.

I had to laugh at myself because for a moment I felt like the OW if I were to secretly e-mail him. I'm not exactly even at OW status is he doesn't respond, however. This made me feel a little like a dormat, like perhaps XH was giving me SOME form of contact so I would feel better or more secure, like he was doing ME a favor. I really have not initiated contact other than about the two deaths and all the sudden I feel like the NEEDY one. I also would not want to participate in some secretive communication if that is what he's after (doubtful, though).

I do not intend to e-mail again unless someone dies or it is a dire emergency. I will not call. I did e-mail the pet pictures the day I talked to him like I mentioned I would and that's it.
If I did e-mail now I would feel like some skanky woman interfering in his R and we all know what that's like, right? I wouldn't REALLY have minded interfering with Sweet Pea (though I didn't) but Mystery Girl is a stranger. She may be very nice and she was not the original homewrecker so I have nothing against her nor do I want to make her wonder or whatever. I had been sending a B-day card or Christmas card to XH about once a year also and that will not continue.

So the crack is now gone and the only light shining is through the keyhole. I just needed to get my mind right. I even removed the picture XH had googled so he can't stare at my lovely face if he is ever poking around again.

There are a couple of things that still don't make sense...why he wanted to see me in person and why he even gave me his website address or email...or why he even answered the phone when I called if Mystery Girl was there...but nothing about him has made sense for the last five years.

A friend of mine recently posed the questions again after these recent contacts...Why do you want him back? Are you sure it's him or just someone? The old XH and the new wonderful man I had hoped for are not there, so I can hardly wish for something that doesn't exist. Food for thought.

The other areas of my life do need some work but I have to figure out where to start again. How'd that go? Fake it till ya make it...act as if

Peace Out, GG (LR)