WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

Sorry for the pause - today is the birthday party for my two boys. Their B'day's were just a couple of weeks before she left (great B'day present by her don't you think). She told them the day after Easter she was moving out, in fact while the boys and I were eating the Easter dinner she cooked, she left to get the moving truck. She wanted to tell them on Easter but I adamantly opposed it. Then she told them on Monday before I got home. I was pissed. I can see what you mean by controlling now by the way she behaved during that time. Absolutely ridiculous....

Anyway, she had asked if I wanted her to help with the party. I said I could handle it by myself, but she could if she wanted to. So we had lunch a couple of weeks ago to plan the party. So that's why she was come over today.

So I'll pick up where I left off...

She wanted you to cry and beg her not to go.......and "if" you did, she didn't think you have suffered enough for ignoring her the way you have.

This I agree with you as well. The weekend before she left she started saying that as soon as she moves out, I will just forget her and move on. She said it a few times before I asked her is that what she wants me to do or is it what she plans to do. She said that she didn't know what she wants and that's she thinks that I will just get so mad and do just that. So maybe that's what she is afraid I would do, I couldn't really tell from her answer...

If there is no OM, and she is confused about reality with fantasy, then for her to initiate things is not her fantasy! In the romance novels, the hero "always" pursues the female.

That's a good point, but I guess I shouldn't take that as a swing away sign to start pursuing her then......

Her need is "attention". Her need is control. I'm sure when her father walked out, she saw her mother showing fear and felt like things were very unsure. That is scary for a little girl. Maybe (playing therapist, here) she vowed that she would always have control of the things around here.

One of the things that she had brought up with in our post bomb marriage counseling was how she had always seen her mom as weak for waiting/wanting her dad to come back even when he cheated on her several times. She said that she vowed that she would never be that weak for needing a man to be "happy"

Relative to control, she is very methodical and follows things by the rules/procedures. I guess that can be construed as controlling. She does like things in a very exact manner. It drives her crazy if the house is a mess with toys everywhere. I think I will talk to my therapist/marriage counselor about this when I see her again.

Listen, I dc not mean to sound harsh and cruel toward her, but this sounds so petty to me. Apparently she has not had to face real tragidy in her life before or she would see how silly this is if that is all she can find wrong in her marriage!!!

I AGREE 100%!!!! We weren't cruising on easy street as we both worked full time, but we were at the point that she could have been a stay at home mom if she wanted to. The big difference would have been that we wouldn't have to pay the $2200/month daycare bill if she wasn't working. We did go out to eat whenever we wanted and I know part of the problem is that I am very frugal so if we spent a lot of money, I always made notice of it (she said that it made her uncomfortable that I made note of it, but we usually spent it anyway).

Another thing that she had brought up was how one year when I got her a SUV (we lease so she gets a new one every 2-3 years) and she was thinking about a sunroof.

I "challenged" her if she really wanted one as I've had bad experiences with them (they leak and are noisy on the highway). She didn't really say she wanted one after that. So when the dealer called to say they found one in the right color and it didn't have the sunroof, I didn't think it was a big deal. She harped on it almost every other counseling session since the bomb.

She said I made her feel like she wasn't worth a sunroof. I had told her that if she really wanted one, she should have just told me she wanted on, she should have just told me. I mean there's not a big difference in leasing a $34K vehicle vs $35K vehicle. I mean rediculous....

How exactly have you rejected her? Does she call you not noticing a new outfit, rejection?

This I know I did really make her feel rejected - particularly in the last 3 years. I had started a new job with global responsibilities so I had work to do almost around the clock (dealing with Europe and Asia as well as the Americas). So I would have conference calls starting at 9PM that may last until 11PM. Or conference calls that would start at 5AM. So even when I was home, I was working after the I put the kids to bed. She said that she wanted me to go to bed with her, but I didn't allow myself the time to do that. We got down to sex just about once/quarter and even then it was just about me (I know very selfish). I would have to travel on very short notice and would take it for granted that she would be able to accomodate my work schedule as I would also have late business dinners/meetings.

She would want us to go out, just the two of us, and I couldn't (wouldn't) make time for it unless we scheduled it 2 months out.

I do agree that I neglected her, I did not give her the attention that she deserved. I almost treated her as "hired help". I know what I did was wrong. In my focus to give her and the boys all the things that they would ever need, I forgot to give them myself. This is 100% my ownership.

Problem was that I didn't see the problem/pain that was causing her. She said even when she would ask me to go out, I would say "Sure, if that's what you want to do". She would interpret that as I didn't want to go, but would only go if she was going to drag me along. This came up in marriage counseling post bomb. I told her that I meant that I loved her so much that whatever she wanted to do would be great as long as we were together. I guess when your heart/mind is in a negative place, everything that you hear/see can be placed in a negative context. I just didn't know back then. I know now. Unfortunately, she said that its too late.....

Again, this is control. If she has said that she still loved you, then the therapist would have tried to go from that point in working it out. If she said she didn't love you then she would be pushed into following through with the D. This way, nothing moves until she decides it will. Contol!

After she told the kids without me that she was moving out, I told her that I had felt that she had a "master plan" of what she was going to do and how it was going to be done, regardless of my thoughts on it. She was livid when I got home and sat down with the boys for a "family meeting" the day she told them. She asked if she could attend and I said that she could if she wanted to. She asked what I was going to say. I said that I was going to tell them what I thought we should have told them together. When I told them that it was ok to be sad (my 7 year old had started to tear up during the meeting), she got mad afterwards saying that I shouldn't say that as they will feel what we want them to feel. I almost said WTF, but told her that was BS. They will feel sad/hurt and to think otherwise is crazy.

Sorry for the tangent, but probably since the bomb, that was the most angry I had gotten. I didn't get angry when she hit me with the bomb, I collapsed into a mess and did all the wrong things (cried, begged, pleaded, etc.). It took me 2-3 weeks to get it under control. In hindsight, whatever respect she had for me at that point, I'm sure she lost it (she had NEVER seen me cry before).

But you know, (amd maybe I'm jumping the gun here) but I am wondering if you've tried all these things and all the 180's have not worked........then I have to go back to my original post I sent you before I even read about this part of her. You remember me stating to drop the rope? I don't know if you have the courage or not......only you can decide, but I think you need to call her bluff!

Remember, as I'm a DAM, as I ask this question - what do you mean by drop the rope? I had thought this was to be Dark/Dim. When I did this, she thought I was cold/mean. We do see each other at least once/week when we go to the kids sport games. Right now we do dinner together as a family before the game. Are you saying I should stop doing that?

I am hesitant to do anything too radical as one of the things she kept harping on my 180's is that she felt that it wasn't real, couldn't last, was an act or I was following a script to try and get her back. I don't want her to take it as, see, I knew it was fake and he's right back to the neglectful person that made the marriage miserable.

Prior to the backslide this past 1.5 weeks (when I took the signal when she said I could put my arm around her and she nestled next to me during the baseball game), I had been Dark/Dim when I'm not physically with her (even when she would call/text/email). When I mean Dark/Dim, I would not say very much, I wouldn't respond to her text/email unless there was a clear question that required an answer. I didn't answer when she would ask how I was doing or how my day was going in a text/email. Sometimes not even when she would call (I would just say it was going or ignore the question completely).

When she would call, I would be positive, upbeat and give her some attention for about a minute or so as she chit chatted, but then would end the call by saying that I had to go or that she sounded busy/tired so I would let her go. I would always try to do it very politely.

When we were together, I would be positive, upbeat and give her my attention, knowing that it would only last for a couple of minutes before one of my boys would try to get one of our attention. Prior to that baseball game, I would never touch her, let alone rub her arm or kiss the side of her head.

I think all the physical affection was too much to fast for her. So I'm going back to the pre-baseball arm around her signal mode. Unless drop the rope is something else....

Thanks for your help and thoughts!