Here is my story... I have been married 13 years two kids with my wife, daughter 9 & 7. I also have a daughter 15 from another woman. We found out about oldest daugher when she was 7 years old. I think this was the start of the problems in our relationship. Through the years my wife was trying to comunicate the problems we had but i just didn't understand. Until Dec 2008 my wife told me she wanted out. She didn't love me anymore and she needed space. I like an idiot started pursuing her which point the said she didn't love me any more and that she doesn't know if she ever did love me. I have now read divorce remedies, and am doing the 180. I am still having problems and I backslide. I just need someone to talk to and help me out. I try not to get angry and out burst... I love her very much and don't want to lose her. She has not file for D yet, and we still live together and sleep in the same bed. In Aug 2009 our lease is up and she wants us to get seperate places, and she is taking the kids.
H (39) W (38) D (7) D (9) M (13) bomb dec 08
Me:39 W:38 D:9 D:7 First Bomd: Dec 08 Second BOMD: Jun 09 OM M: 13yrs T: 14:yrs
First I started by makeing sure I complimented her on things she did and how she looked, and how important she was. But then W told me I was not giving her space. So I am going with the flow of asking as If the marraige is over and trying to do my own things with me and me and the kids, but its as if she tries to stop me from doing thing alone and indirectly interfears. I don't try to stop her from going out and slowly I have been asking less question on where abouts. I think she there is AM. Last Sunday she was going to get groceries at around 8:30 pm, and didn't come home until 1:30am. I had woken up and seen that she was not home, so I txt her, because her car acts up. She tells me she was at the park thinking then went to the store. For about 5 weeks she has been disappaering on Sundays all day, I did not ask her but she told me she just does not want to be around me. Today is Sunday and she went out last night with a couple of girlfriends for there b-day, but it is now 5:35am and she is still not home. This is the latest that she has every stayed out. When she goes out and comes hom at 3 or 4 am is when I usually end up having my outburst. I will not even ask her or talk to her abouting to day. I have made plan so go to a friend house to day and watch the hockey game.
Sean
Me:39 W:38 D:9 D:7 First Bomd: Dec 08 Second BOMD: Jun 09 OM M: 13yrs T: 14:yrs
Your wife is likely having an affair. When you let her come and go at all hours, you are disrespecting yourself, and it portrays WEAKNESS to her. Weakness is not attractive to a woman, since they tie their feelings of "love" for us very closely with their feelings of "respect."
What are your boundaries? (if any) What (if any) were the consequences for her the first time she came home at 3 or 4 am?? What if one of your daughters woke up at 3am and needed her mother?
Time for her to grow up if she is not having an affair but I will go with PDT on this one, she sure sounds like she is, do not let her disrespect you. Do not have outbursts, calm and rational when you speak, remember she is the one being unrational. Probably time to get some confirmation, and then listen to Puppy from then on.
How can I set boundries with her when in here mind the relationship is over? What can I use as a consequence for her actions? I don't want to be controling but I do see the need to set some sort of rules with consequence I do understand that, but how?
Me:39 W:38 D:9 D:7 First Bomd: Dec 08 Second BOMD: Jun 09 OM M: 13yrs T: 14:yrs
How can I set boundries with her when in here mind the relationship is over? What can I use as a consequence for her actions? I don't want to be controling but I do see the need to set some sort of rules with consequence I do understand that, but how?
Red,
Assume you have a roommate, with whom you HAVE no relationship. Would you let them come and go at all hours?
There are reasonable boundaries irrespective of whether or not she is your wife, and those should come FIRST. But even then, you can set (and enforce) boundaries that are marital. But start with the above.
My wife came up very late absolutely ONCE during her affair. Because when she did, I had the house locked up tight, every single light inside and out OFF, and I was asleep in bed. And I let her know the next day that if she did it again, the alarm system would be on with its password reset, and she could deal with the cops when they showed up, and that I would not be disrespected like that in my own home.
I wish I could give you some advice; but I'm in the same boat. My W has been running from the same playbook. Once your lease lets up, will your W work and take care of kids? Is she clear on all the work to make that happen?
Well I set the boundries, of staying out late. Today started looking for her own place to move with the kids. I know we both have to find a place by August. But after talking with W it motivated her to look on her own. Is there someplace to look for local support to talk to people working on or that have gone throught this stuff. Westland, MI
Me:39 W:38 D:9 D:7 First Bomd: Dec 08 Second BOMD: Jun 09 OM M: 13yrs T: 14:yrs
