I can only speak from my experience regarding the children.
H left two years ago and set his own visitation schedule at every other weekend. He wanted this so he "wouldn't disrupt their lives." A few months after he left, he asked if he could take them to dinner once a week. I said certainly and asked what day he would like them. He never responded.
Since he left, he has missed a lot...games, meets, events, etc. He also attends some, but has missed too much. After missing one, D asked where he was and if he was with OW's kids.
He starting dating this OW a year ago, secretly (she was dating H's best friend so they had to keep it quiet). After she broke up with her ex, H told the girls in September they were dating and then spent every moment with her...forcing the girls to spend time with her and her kids. They shared a bedroom together when the girls were there. I've tried to put a stop to it - I am unable to.
Girls don't like her. D13 is doing fine with H, but relationship with D15 is especially bad and getting worse. She does not like OW and the the past history of all of it (in addition to OW's ex being friends with H, she was also a close friend of mine). Neither girl like her children.
H and I have been in counseling for co-parenting at my request. Counselor is great, both H and I like him. Counselor says that he is of the opinion that significant others should not be introduced to children until a serious committment is going to be made. He did not agree that H did all of this so soon, and while he is still married. So for all of you who have been able to prevent this, I give you a lot of credit. I was powerless in this regard.
H doesn't get it. He thinks that his issues with D15 are due to her age and lack of respect. He feels that this is a time issue, happening because he doesn't spend enough time with them. So, if I don't agree to his demands of longer weekends and weekly overnights during the week, he will seek 50/50 custody at a hearing that he scheduled for this week. So I may very well lose time with my girls...it has been the one thing that I have been grateful for during all of this...I had the girls. But now that is being threatened.
Counselor told him that this isn't a time issue but rather a relationship issue. More time won't fix the problem. H doesn't appear to be backing down. Unfortunately, in my state, because H isn't physically or sexually abusing them, he will get up to 50%. Our state's motto, based on what my attorney and counselor have said, is that we are free to screw up our kids as much as we want, as long as we don't touch them.
Bottom line - H wasn't a great parent before all of this. Didn't interact much with them, didn't pay attention to them, not much from him at all. I did hope that he would become a better parent when he was forced to spend one on one time with them. It hasn't happened. Every weekend that he has them, he calls me and/or D15 calls me because they are fighting and want me to resolve it. I am unsure of why he thinks it will get better with more time, he can't handle what he has now.
My attorney thinks it is money related - 50/50 time equals zero support. I think it is the way to get to me, since nothing else has worked. He has gone for two years on this schedule and suddenly it is a problem.
Either way, it is not child focused. If I truly thought that he wanted this so he could spend time with them, I would be sad, but would know that it was in the kids' best interest and would not fight it.
Unfortunately, in my case, the child situation is getting worse and I don't see an improvement in the near future.
It is heartbreaking to see what it done to them. They didn't ask for this.
