I spoke with XBF today. I called him to tell him that I had used the sporting equipment and wanted to tell him my score and how good I did (I did!). That led to a polite discussion about the sport. Then I said, I am so glad I tried it. I love it. And he said "finally". I said finally? Finally I don't have to live by all your rules. He was surprised. He said rules? What rules? And then I said, case in point, that in all the time we had, he never said let's go practice this sport, he said I should take care of domestic matters. I was confident and assured and emphatic, not witchy at all. He started to laugh. I said he was full of b.s. He said no, I'm not. And I said oh yes, you are the biggest b.s.'er ever. I couldn't tell you that before but I can tell you that now. I'm de-programmed from your brainwashing. He was so surprised! He said you don't believe that and I said oh yes, I do. I continued to hammer him for 40 minutes about his "rules" and that I was happy to be done with them. He wrote me a poem long ago after my divorce about being like an eagle and soaring and I said remember that poem? Well I am the little eagle and I am flying high now and no one is going to stop me! He said "you're fun today". I continued to hammer him and finally I said well I just called to tell you my score and I need to go now. And he said all right honey.
I feel really strong today, it was the sport that helped me. It built my confidence. I took charge of my activities today instead of feeling sad. I still sleep awful and I miss the man to the pit of my stomach and it hurts every day. Yet, this is two times in a row now that I have talked with him and been super strong and it feels great!
