I spoke with XBF today. I called him to tell him that I had used the sporting equipment and wanted to tell him my score and how good I did (I did!). That led to a polite discussion about the sport. Then I said, I am so glad I tried it. I love it. And he said "finally". I said finally? Finally I don't have to live by all your rules. He was surprised. He said rules? What rules? And then I said, case in point, that in all the time we had, he never said let's go practice this sport, he said I should take care of domestic matters. I was confident and assured and emphatic, not witchy at all. He started to laugh. I said he was full of b.s. He said no, I'm not. And I said oh yes, you are the biggest b.s.'er ever. I couldn't tell you that before but I can tell you that now. I'm de-programmed from your brainwashing. He was so surprised! He said you don't believe that and I said oh yes, I do. I continued to hammer him for 40 minutes about his "rules" and that I was happy to be done with them. He wrote me a poem long ago after my divorce about being like an eagle and soaring and I said remember that poem? Well I am the little eagle and I am flying high now and no one is going to stop me! He said "you're fun today". I continued to hammer him and finally I said well I just called to tell you my score and I need to go now. And he said all right honey.
I feel really strong today, it was the sport that helped me. It built my confidence. I took charge of my activities today instead of feeling sad. I still sleep awful and I miss the man to the pit of my stomach and it hurts every day. Yet, this is two times in a row now that I have talked with him and been super strong and it feels great!
Ok, XBF and I talked again yesterday, for a long time by phone. It started about the sporting equipment...for real. I need his help with something on it. This sport is very male oriented. He said he doesn't know why I am doing it and I told him he knew I was going to try it this year (it would have been with him) and so I am keeping up with my interest. He said the guys would hit on me and I said yeah, in fact one guy I met already wants to take me to here and there. The guy said he had won many tournaments. XBF said he must be second string or I'd know his name (I never told him the name). I don't think he liked the idea of this guy, which made me wonder..is he jealous?
He then told me that I said he was all b.s., which I had. And I used that opportunity to tell him why I said that...because for 4 years he told me that he stood for all the right things and what happened recently didn't fit and I don't want to deceive myself but I don't want to think of him as a lying jerk. He said no it didn't fit and he didn't want me to think like that either. He said he made a mistake in how he had erroneously thought that I didn't want to do certain things (recreational). I said that's all peripheral, important yes, but peripheral. Where was the substance?
I know we said here that guilt would drive him away and I was not trying to make him feel guilty, I'm just trying to come to terms with how do I see him now? That it hurts me to think of him as negative.
I feel that he is maybe giving his actions more thought. He said he didn't cheat on me.
He didn't say he was sorry, just that he made a mistake and that he seemed jealous about the guy I met.
Do you think he is actually starting to feel that he made a mistake and what does that mean? I had also said that maybe I had just been a "toy" to him and he said that our relationship "was" a very serious one.
Actions not words are what to watch for. Don't spend time trying to figure out what he thinks, it'll drive you insane and there are all sorts of scenarios that can fit...you'll pick whatever suits where you're at, not necessarily the one that's real (and none of us can know either!). I can't help but think you're still too into him. You need to get out and GAL and leave some mystery in what you're doing. Your sporting event is a wonderful "me" thing to do but cut him out as much as possible. People tend to want more what seems out of reach. Just my thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em
XBF and I talked yesterday. I said I hoped I had never hurt him and he said no. He said he will always love and cherish me and the things we've done, it's just...he paused...difficult to explain. Whatever that meant, I just said, no need to say more, it's all in the past. We talked about the sport and he was giving me some advice. I told him how much fun it is and he said why didn't I try it 2 or 3 years ago and I said, I don't know but the fact is I'm doing it now. And I'm loving it! (It's about me not him!) Had I known how much fun it was, I would have tried sooner.
He said he told me and I didn't listen. He said I never listened to him. Hmmmm, why does that matter now?
Then I said I would be at the club field weekly and he said he was going to be at the same place on a league and maybe he'd see me there. I said well just don't distract me while I'm participating because that's why I'm there. I'm a participant. He laughed at that, saying yeah, right.
Does this sound ridiculous? I still miss him dearly and I ask myself why the h- why? Because he was my best friend for 4 years after my div and helped me immensely and I had so much fun. He was a great security to me in so many ways after the terrible b.s. my ex had put me through. He gave me 4 of the happiest years of my adult life in terms of love. I swear this is true.
My birthday is next week. What if he calls, do I answer the phone?
My attitude in my new sport is "I'm here to play". If I see him, I'll acknowledge him the same as any other person there. No special treatment. I'm the prize, not him.
I'm also going on my first blind date Sunday. I'm trying to move ahead. I'm mortified at this idea but it's a way to break things up in my head. The guy sounds too eager. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I feel like life is spinning me in a tornado and I'm spinning with it. I'm starting to have a little fun because I've got my "ME" attitude that is starting to take over the weeks of intense upset.
Remember.. predators prey on the vulnerable. If the date guy sounds too eager, or sets off your bullsh*t meter, listen to the voice within. Consider pushing the date back a week or so and then see if you're really that interested.
Take a deep breath.. you're processing so much the Vermont aged cheddar is coming out Velveeta. A loss brings up all other losses. This breakup brings up feelings from your divorce.
Don't ask XBF for any more help with your new sporting interest-- now that you're into it, you know/will meet lots of others who can give you advice. I would go dark-ish for a bit. You sound great overall.
Hello - things have happened since I last wrote. My big birthday came and went without any acknowledgement by xbf, which crushed me. His mother called, his son called, his friend and wife asked me over for dinner. But nothing from him.
Nonetheless, later that same week, I called and left a message that I was coming over to see his dog. His dog/in my heart is my dog and it is old and sick and not well and I missed him. I was internally upset with xbf and didn't give him the time of day really, I focused totally on the dog. XBF tried to make small talk, he came over and sat down near me and the dog and I didn't budge. It was so silly really, but I wanted to be clear I was there to visit the dog.
Two weeks passed. I called the other day and said I was coming out to see the dog again. He started complaining about a service company problem he was having. I said...you know I always stand behind you whatever you choose, maybe I can help through a contact I have. I then said did you hear what I said? For the first time in two months, I heard his voice soften. He said yes, that you stand behind me, etc. Later that night, he also returned a call to me with some info I needed about his son. I didn't pick up the phone. He left the info and said "hope you're doing good." The first time he has said anything like that in two months. Today, I went to visit the dog. He wanted to show me a home improvement he had done and we talked a bit about it. I let him lead the conversation. His mom was there and she and I visited for a bit, and he disappeared to eat lunch and lay down for a half hour. Which was b.s. He could have visited with us. I decided I'd visited the dog, his Mom and now it was time to leave. Before I left, I wanted to ask him a question about a car problem I'm having. He came out to look at them and said what do you want me to do? And then I said...help me. I feel like a damsel in distress, I don't know what to do. He said "I'd do anything for you." And he set about to fix the problem which took a good hour. In process, he said a couple of sweet things...that he loved me because of something I said was so cute. And he asked me to rub lotion on his face because he had been sunburned, which I couldn't believe he wanted me to do that, and I did. When all was done and I went to leave, I thanked him for helping me and he hugged me and kissed my cheek and said "until next time". I have no idea what any of that means. Maybe he's just being friendly. Who knows. I do know he still has regular contact with OW. My heart is still hopeful that we can get back to a better place but I continue to feel personal growth in myself. : )
I had to pick up some medicine for the dog today and took it to xbf's house. As it worked out, we had a really good conversation. It was one I have been waiting for. He told me he is confused and I agreed and said it was ok. He doesn't want to be confused. He was once more very complimentary to me, my outfit, my personality. Eventually we got in to a conversation and to make a long story short, I asked him if he was in love and he said he doesn't know what it is. I said it was ok to tell me, since we're friends and that I hoped he knows what love is or the time we spent together I had failed him. He said no, he knew love. He said that the OW has some good qualities but not the same as mine. He misses me. He's unsure of what I think. So I was very blunt. I may have broken every record in the book, but I spoke the truth. I said that until this point in my life, he has been the love of my life and that he made me very happy in the time we shared. I needed him to know that. He said he felt that everything was timing. He wanted to marry me and I had never committed that so he felt it was a lost cause. As I began to move to that, he began to give up. We talked a good hour, which was HUGE! I don't know what will happen next but at least we had some true communication. He will need to think through his confusion. I feel that if he can think it through and we have a chance back, we could have one heckuva great love story. Wouldn't that be worth it.
Maybe the giant is awakening. Today, xbf called me on his own for the first time (without it being a return call of mine) in two months to say "what do you mean you went on a date?". He can't believe I did this because I took a long time before I ever first dated him. I had told him this yesterday when we talked, because there was a funny story that played off something he had said to me yesterday, that was all. It was humorous.
I can't think like a man....but does this mean he may be feeling a little jealous???
