open relationships

[bob48]

I came upon this interesting tidbit from the eminent sex advice columnist, Dan Savage that is relevant to the topic and both thoughtful and provocative:

Over the past few years, my husband and I have realized that he has needs that I cannot meet. I do not begrudge him these needs, and I would fill them if I could. I want him to be a happy and satisfied person, not just for him, but for myself as well. We discussed opening our relationship, but our therapist recoiled at the idea. If I can’t help him and we can’t have someone else help him, what can we do? We can’t imagine breaking up, but if we’re both unhappy, then I can only assume that we will split eventually or one of us will act out in resentment. We have been together for over a decade and love each other deeply. I am physically sick over this situation, and I don’t know what to do. I don9 9t know that I fully trust our therapist, and I would like to hear an informed second opinion. I value your advice.
—Life Decisions
Here’s an informed second opinion: F**k your a**hole therapist. And here’s a better-informed bonus third opinion:
“It’s incredibly unfortunate that some therapists either aren’t educated about open relationships or buy into common myths about them,” says Tristan Taormino, activist, author, pornographer, and author of Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Way too many therapists, she says, “pathologize people who want to openmtheir relationships and try to convince them that they have intimacy or commitment issues. The truth is you can be both intimate with and fully committed to more than one partner, or be committed to one partner and have sex with others.”
Tristan interviewed scores of couples in successful open relationships, and she found that many initially opened their relationships because of an issue of sexual incompatibility.
“The scenario you present is not uncommon,” she continues. “If both of you really are committed to giving it a go, I’d advise you to find a new therapist, one who has experience with—and not a prejudice against—nonmonogamous clients. The right therapist can help you figure out your limits, set boundaries, and make an agreement about this new type of relationship that works for both of you.”
You can also check out the stories, advice, and references at Tristan’s website, openingup.net. Good luck, LD.