One Step Up, Two Steps Back

[iamlost]

Damn, Puppy. Your situation is like a huge, non-ending game of wack-a-mole. I can see why you're frustrated.

I agree with Karen that you should let the IC have the heart-to-heart discussions with W from now on--I don't think it's something you can fix or help with, or talk her out of or into. All you need to do is help get her into their office asap, and I know you're already all over that.

I also think that the situation right now looks from the outside like you are chasing your W a bit and she is pulling away. You already know well how to stop chasing and reverse roles, so I won't get into it.

As far as what you're brother wrote in the book...if I were your W, I would be devastated by it. I would, too, be tempted to self-justify, as she is doing. Instead of her saying, "I shouldn't have done it", it's that "your brother shouldn't have wrote it".

I think it would be helpful to her (as well as all wayward spouses) to believe: I made a huge mistake (which is something I can correct), but I'm not a bad person (which is something fundamental).

The difference between "I made a mistake" and "I'm a bad person" is huge. It's the difference between believing there is an opportunity to change & correct their mistake vs. needing to psychologically distance themselves from a character defect that they--ironically--feel the need to justify and hold on even tighter to (through misplaced blame, entitlement, etc.)

Is there a way of conveying to your W that you don't believe your brother is judging her or your M as a whole, but more that the hurt she caused has had an effect, probably a lot bigger than she intended or realized, but it's correctable? And that you hope that's what she takes out of what he wrote: a lesson about love, about hurt and it's unintended consequences vs. a condemnation.