This week has been back to our old habits and cycles, although I have tried to break it on several occasions. Same cold distance from the fetching Mrs. Puppy, which I've tried to break with some hugs, kisses, flirty texts and such. The hugs have had to be our old "intercept/ambush" kind -- you know, where I have to practically physically step in front of her on her way by me, grab her, she'll give me that head-pulled-back-away-from me thing and say "Wha??" and I'll just give her a hug, which she will reciprocate.
She's been moody and distant; I've been some of the same, and then I'll catch myself and try to be more upbeat, play with the boys, or go do GAL stuff.
A couple of mornings ago, she was getting ready to leave, and said "I feel like I'm forgetting something . . . " and I chirped, upbeat: "I know, you forgot to kiss your husband!" , and she did.
Yesterday, we had this exchange. I started the day working from home, and she left to go take S16 to school. She never said goodbye to me, so I figured she'd be right back home in her usual 15 minutes (we only usually kiss goodbye if one of us isn't going to be right back).
The TMs:
Me: Where'd you go?
Her: Haircut.
Me: Oh! You never said goodbye, I thought you were coming back home after dropping (S16) off.
Her: Thought you were working from home.
Me: Nope.
Her: Guess I'm not a mindreader after all.
Me: Who said you were a mindreader? Even if I was working from home and you were going out for a couple hours, I just thought you would have said goodbye, that's all.
Her: Sorry.
Me: Np -- but I was gonna ask u if u wanted a quickie! :o)~
Her: Oh! lol
Several minutes pass, and then her again:
Haven't been in a real good mood lately.
Me: I've noticed. How come?
Her: Just wrestling with some things.
Me: Like what? How can I help?
Her: You really cant. I need to sort through some things. thx for offering
Me: OK, but isn't that a little cryptic considering everything we've just bared to each other?
Her: When i get home maybe we can IM. Its hard typing on my phone. There are just thoughts that i just dont know how to put into words sometimes. Maybe its more like feelings.
Me: I'll probably be at (pub, with my usual Friday happy hour buds) then. Well, when you're ready to talk, you know where to find me. I do think you should set a first appt. with that counselor tho.
Her: I'm going to get her number this weekend.
(end of exchange)
While I was out having beers and a cigar with my friends, she texted me: "Do u wanna get something to eat tonite?"
Me: Yeah, but boys want to go to the driving range (golf) if it's not still raining.
Her: ok
(end)
Now, I'm not sure if I missed that she was asking JUST ME to go out and get something to eat, but I don't think so. Usually on Fridays, she doesn't like to cook and we take the boys out and all get something, and to be honest I was a little miffed at that point that she's not only once again distancing herself from me, but won't even open up and tell me what's wrong. I thought maybe last nite, in person later at home, she would, but nothing.
Thus continues the dance. One step up, and two steps back.
ONE STEP UP Bruce Springsteen
Woke up this morning my house was cold Checked out the furnace she wasn't burnin' Went out and hopped in my old Ford Hit the engine but she ain't turnin' We've given each other some hard lessons lately But we ain't learnin' We're the same sad story that's a fact One step up and two steps back
Bird on a wire outside my motel room But he ain't singin' Girl in white outside a church in June But the church bells they ain't ringing I'm sittin' here in this bar tonight But all I'm thinkin' is I'm the same old story same old act One step up and two steps back
It's the same thing night on night Who's wrong baby who's right Another fight and I slam the door on Another battle in our dirty little war When I look at myself I don't see The man I wanted to be Somewhere along the line I slipped off track I'm caught movin' one step up and two steps back
There's a girl across the bar I get the message she's sendin' Mmm she ain't lookin' to married And me well honey I'm pretending Last night I dreamed I held you in my arms The music was never-ending We danced as the evening sky faded to black One step up and two steps back
Do you have a date night every week or 2? I think that's one thing that was missing in my M, and is important. And not to just discuss the R, but just to have a little fun and romance maybe?
And she's getting the number for the IC this weekend, so I hope she can get in asap. If that IC can't do it within a few weeks, she should meet with someone else. Then a lot of her moodiness/thinking things thru can maybe be done with her IC, and just let them worry about it. Not your problem.
She's been reading a book this week, that my brother sent me. He wrote it, after his wife died of cancer at age 50, two and a half years ago. She had been keeping a journal after she'd found out she had cancer, and my brother got the idea to write this book of his OWN responses to them, and his own letters back to her, only it was after she'd passed away. It's a phenomenal idea, and a moving, powerful book, and my wife hasn't been able to put it down since it arrived in the mail earlier this week.
I'm thinking she may be thinking about what a special, "soulmates forever" relationship my brother and my SIL had. She's made some comments about that, and I'm feeling like she's comparing their love to ours, and knowing ours is somehow lacking.
Or maybe I'm just projecting.
In any event, she did comment about something in the book. My brother had given me a heads up before publishing the book, and asked me how I felt about him including it, and I told him it was OK with me -- it was his honest thoughts. I was with my family, up north, for my dad's 80th birthday party when I first received proof (via keylogger e-mail to my BlackBerry) of my wife's affair two summers ago. Here's the entry from the book:
We celebrated Dad’s 80th birthday this last weekend, and all of my brothers and my sister were in town for the event. My brother shared with us for the first time the challenges he is facing in his marriage. Problems have existed for a long time, but now the situation has gotten significantly worse. I wish I had known earlier and been able to be of some help to him and his family. Mostly though, I was saddened by his obvious pain. I thought of your loss of good health, my loss of you and of our loss of this time together, and I was still grateful for our situation as compared to his. We may not have celebrated our love to the full extend our numbered days would have encouraged, but we almost always knew it had and would sustain us - even through our difficulties. I knew you loved me, and knew you saw our marriage vows as sacred. I might get angry or frustrated, and/or know you were feeling the same, but I knew you would never betray our bond. I also know you were able to count on me in this same way.
No names – no further details included. My wife said to me two nights ago "It's a great book -- I can't put it down. . . there is one thing that's in there, though, that I wished he hadn't included though."
"What's that?" I played dumb.
"It's about you, when you went up for your dad's 80th birthday. About . . . you know, what happened with us two years ago???"
I just played dumb, asking if he'd mentioned any names, and she said he hadn't, but just wished he hadn't said anything at all. She said she understood what he was trying to say, about (his wife's) loyalty to him, but that didn't need to be said."
Do you have a date night every week or 2? I think that's one thing that was missing in my M, and is important. And not to just discuss the R, but just to have a little fun and romance maybe?
And she's getting the number for the IC this weekend, so I hope she can get in asap. If that IC can't do it within a few weeks, she should meet with someone else. Then a lot of her moodiness/thinking things thru can maybe be done with her IC, and just let them worry about it. Not your problem.
We do, Karen, although to be honest I'm not much feeling up to it this weekend. Not sure I want to initiate it, anyway, but I also know that's the same "pouty Puppy" cycle that I've done in the past, so I suppose I'll make some effort to break that.
I think you're right about the IC. I'm her husband, and her friend; I shouldn't have to be (and can't be) her counselor.
Oh, Pup, I'm so sorry. This has to be sooooo frustrating.
It is. I was going to e-mail you yesterday, but I didn't want to spoil your birthday. I was pretty down about it.
This is another song -- this one written by me, about a year ago, when she started pulling away SO soon (just a couple of months) after we tried to reconcile after she ended her affair:
Still Way Too Soon 11/2007
You asked me if I’d just give you the chance To make it up to me You said that you’d made the mistake of your life The fog had lifted and now it was clear to see
That I was the one, the one for you That I was your love, your life, your home You said that if it took the rest of your life You’d make it up to me, alone
Well it’s way too soon for you to pull back now Way too soon to give it less than your best, baby Way too soon Way too soon You hurt me way too much to fight me now, and Hurt me way too much to say that you just don’t know
The rest of your life? Hell, you couldn’t give it a month You couldn’t give it one storm
If things had gone, nearly perfect maybe And everything had blown your way Maybe that’s what you were hoping for baby And only then, again you’d say
That I was the one, the one for you That I was your love, your life, your home That even if it took the rest of your life That you’d make it up to me, alone
Well it’s way too soon for you to pull back now Way too soon to give it less than your best, baby Way too soon Way too soon You hurt me way too much to fight me now, and Hurt me way too much to say that you just don’t know
The rest of your life? Hell, you couldn’t give it a month Couldn’t give it one storm This was way too soon, And now I’m gone.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Damn, Puppy. Your situation is like a huge, non-ending game of wack-a-mole. I can see why you're frustrated.
I agree with Karen that you should let the IC have the heart-to-heart discussions with W from now on--I don't think it's something you can fix or help with, or talk her out of or into. All you need to do is help get her into their office asap, and I know you're already all over that.
I also think that the situation right now looks from the outside like you are chasing your W a bit and she is pulling away. You already know well how to stop chasing and reverse roles, so I won't get into it.
As far as what you're brother wrote in the book...if I were your W, I would be devastated by it. I would, too, be tempted to self-justify, as she is doing. Instead of her saying, "I shouldn't have done it", it's that "your brother shouldn't have wrote it".
I think it would be helpful to her (as well as all wayward spouses) to believe: I made a huge mistake (which is something I can correct), but I'm not a bad person (which is something fundamental).
The difference between "I made a mistake" and "I'm a bad person" is huge. It's the difference between believing there is an opportunity to change & correct their mistake vs. needing to psychologically distance themselves from a character defect that they--ironically--feel the need to justify and hold on even tighter to (through misplaced blame, entitlement, etc.)
Is there a way of conveying to your W that you don't believe your brother is judging her or your M as a whole, but more that the hurt she caused has had an effect, probably a lot bigger than she intended or realized, but it's correctable? And that you hope that's what she takes out of what he wrote: a lesson about love, about hurt and it's unintended consequences vs. a condemnation.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Puppy, I've read some of your posts but I'm new here so I'm new to DB (my marriage is not in crisis). So forgive me if I could be missing something.
Are your texts and flirty always sexual? Is everything a prelude to sex?
Just as a former wayward run away wife I'm curious.
Also just so you know- one of my closest friends is in crisis in her marriage and I came here to read stuff for her because she's afraid to put anything on her home computer like posting in a forum. Reading alot of posts I thought I might have something to offer some of the guys on the forum based on my past experience.
Puppy, I've read some of your posts but I'm new here so I'm new to DB (my marriage is not in crisis). So forgive me if I could be missing something.
Are your texts and flirty always sexual? Is everything a prelude to sex?
No, on the contrary. We have a long-term (20-year) sex-starved marriage, so I'm trying to work on this more. People were advising me to take more initiative in this area.
, and she did.