WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

One of the places that "show" the co-dependency is through all the talking and lingering on the phone and the back & forth stuff with each other. It's as if watching a game of passing the ball back and forth and not getting to the goal. She is unsure and acts as if she wants you to continue to talk her into going and you basically keep saying the same thing over and over. What I was suggesting is that you say it one time and one time only--and if she wants to play the cat & mouse game.....let her play alone. Just tell her that the invitation stands and that you need to go and she can decide what she wants to do. Leave it at that and don't just keep on & on with the game. You see, it wasn't the "words" that you said that was all wrong.....it was b/c you just kept it going.

That's a good suggestion. I will definitely keep that in mind and try it next time!

Let me ask another question, please. Have you noticed that it is when you have the boys that she seems to be doing so much calling, emailing, etc.? Does she seem to always have some kind of emotional problem, get more depressed, cry or whatever when it is your turn with the kids? Or.....does she do about the same as when she has the boys with her? I just wondered if it was more when the kids were with you. If it is.......that is her controlling.

Ironically it seems about the same frequency to me - although last Friday (4 weeks since she moved out) was the first time she called to say goodnite to the kids when I had them. She calls me everytime and if she doesn't call by their normal bed time, I call them. An hour or so after their bed time, she would call a few times a week - mostly chit chat stuff. Last Friday and Tues call was the first ones with relationship stuff in it that she initiated.

She had no control over that R back then, but now she is the one controlling it.

Do you know that people with her personality type is a controller? Just like her playing the cat & mouse game......she knew what she was doing! Making you crawl (or at least she thought she was) when you kept assuring her that she was invited to the carnival. I thought I saw that the first time I read it, but I told myself this was a WAW and that was not logical. When you kept telling her to do what she wanted.....she kept hem-hawing around b/c she actually wanted to here you beg. Contolling!

Again, ironically, she said that I was controlling of the relationship that made it unbearable as I neglected her. I know over the past couple of years I had gotten more controlling as I was getting overwhelmed by stress at work, kids and her. So I slipped into a mild depression that drove the controlling behaviors. I've been working on improving my coping skills with my therapist and is much more relaxed and back to enjoying life. Now my therapist thinks my wife is depressed.

When she said what she did about feeling fat........she wanted you to assure her she wasn't. (Now most of us females have done and said that about our hair, size, clothes, etc., b/c we do feel insecure and want to hear our H's tell us we are wrong b/c we look super-great!)

That I know - now. Before I would just say I love you just the way you are. Now I understand what she was really looking for.

You know, your W has been at this for many years. I wonder if she used the same excuse while she went through school. How long did you know her....or how soon after you met her did she bring up the subject of her father leaving? I am not talking like this to make you mad at me, but rather to get you to see through different eyes.

Sandi - this doesn't make me made at all. It actually makes me feel better knowing someone is helping/interested to get me through this.

She actually brought it up pretty early - about a couple of weeks afterwards. I didn't think much of it as I was still treating it as a "booty call" relationship. I think we got really connected when her grandmother died and she was devastated and leaned on me to get through that point.

Sure she was hurt......a lot of kids get hurt, just like she is going to hurt her boys if she goes through with the D (and she can't even see it). She doesn't seem to realize that she will cause them to have scars b/c all she is thinking about is herself!

That's the part that drives me crazy and gets me frustrated. I had brought that up and she says that they will be fine. Just look at her and I (speaking from a career success standpoint). We are both from divorced parents and very financially successful.

I don't think your W wants the therapist to go too deep and figure her out! I believe she was afraid to go by herself b/c the therapist could have seen the underlying problem and your W did not want to face it and went where she knew she would be treated with love and assurance......which was you! She was once again controlling the stitch. Have you thought about it like that? Facing the therapist alone is much like facing a parent for her. She might actually have to give an accountability! She doesn't want to accept responsibility for whatever has gone wrong.

This is EXACTLY what my therapist/marriage counselor says!

She wanted you to cry and beg her not to go.......and "if" you did, she didn't think you have suffered enough for ignoring her the way you have.

This I agree with you as well. The weekend before she left she started saying that as soon as she moves out, I will just forget her and move on. She said it a few times before I asked her is that what she wants me to do or is it what she plans to do. She said that she didn't know what she wants and that's she thinks that I will just get so mad and do just that.

Gotta go - she just pulled up