It's MY life now!!!........

[dl443322]

Hey Sweetie, you do what is best for you. If you feel you need to turn every stone, then that is what you should do. I support you in whatever you decide.

Having said that, as your friend, I could not live with myself if I didnt tell you to please guard your heart. Your h has broken his word to you more than once. You and I love and trust with everything we have, but, not everyone is like that.

I just want what is best for you, what is going to make you happy.

I am here for you and I will pray for you both. I hope with all my heart that this turns out the way you want it to.

[dl443322]

Hey Sweetie, you do what is best for you. If you feel you need to turn every stone, then that is what you should do. I support you in whatever you decide.

Having said that, as your friend, I could not live with myself if I didnt tell you to please guard your heart. I know you have to be true to yourself. Just please be still and really listen. Take it all in and then figure out what you need to do. You and I love and trust with everything we have, but, not everyone is like that.

I just want what is best for you, what is going to make you happy.

I am here for you and I will pray for you both. I hope with all my heart that this turns out the way you want it to. Either way, remember what a special lady you are and how valuable you are to the world.

Dont sell yourself short, dont settle, dont accept less than what you deserve.

You have come so far and I know that whatever happens, you are going to be ok.

Please let me know how you are doing, either here or the alt.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, [[[[[[Friends]]]]]].

Thank you all again for your support, and concern, and wise advice! It's funny, but in each of your posts after my post this morning (thru Sandycay), I swear I could hear you all give a collective "Uh Oh!!"

So, I want to assure you all of a few things.....

1. During my conversation with H last night, I did not get overly emotional at any point. I did not cry at all. I'm sure there was emotion in my voice at times, but my voice didn't quiver or anything, even when I asked if he loved her. I was pretty calm matter of fact through it all. My point is that I am still feeling pretty emotionally grounded with regards to moving on.

2. I do not "trust" even a smidgeon of what H said. By that I don't mean I think he was lying, I just mean that I am not "counting on" anything he said being truthful. For example, I think he told the plain truth when he said he didn't love OW....but, I'm betting he told her he does. I mean she let him move in with her, so I would think they had some sort of emotional investment.... but then this woman also laid down with him on a bed with my stuff on the bedside table, so obviously shes a woman of great quality!!!

3. The truth is that there is really nothing that H can do to me financially at this point to hurt me. We are both filing for BR. If he were to do anything "shady" it would not be my problem, but the BR trustee's problem and they are professionals and won't be "fooled" easily. Having said that, to give him his due, I have no reason to think that H would do something to hurt me financially. Even through the seperation, all his pay checks have still been going into our joint account and he is "shouldering" all the debt (except my car and student loan which I took). Emotionally and morally he may have no integrity, but financially I can't complain (other than his attitude sometimes)

4. I spoke with my lawyer today, and she confirmed again my understanding that it doesn't matter to me matrially if he files for BR or D, so there is nothing he can really do to hurt me that way. I have already chosen to not be vindictive, and cooperate with him on the BR, because of my own values. It behooves us both financially to work together on the BR. AND, I have asked, and she agreed, that my D attorney be at all the meetings with my and H and the BR lawyer so I have an impartial unemotionally invested support in my corner. She thinks I have absolutely made the best decision for myself financially and emotionally in approaching it this way.

5. As for the suggestion of getting into C with H, I am NOT looking for reconciliation. In fact, at this point, I do not think that I would even think about reconciling (even on the off chance that H was willing to comtemplate that) unless he agreed to sell the dream property. In my eyes that is the only way I think I could ever see H as having earned back that level of trust to possibly enter into a M with him again. Ya know? H would never do that I know, and in fact I don't believe he will agree to get into C with me, so it's all a moot point anyway.

6. If H were to agree to meet, he has said that he would want at least 1 or 2 IC sessions before that. I too would discuss it with C before getting into a room with H and see if C thinks it would be a worthwhile exercise for me to do. My desired out come would not be reconciliation as I said, but understanding, acknowledgement/acceptance by H of his part in the breakdown of our M........CLOSURE! Again, I don't think H will be willing anyway so it's a moot point.

So, I hope you can all see that I have not "caved" and allowed my heart to run away with me so soon. As I have said, I am sure I will "backslide", but hopefully too soon.......(Puppy, I hope I haven't lost all your respect!! I'm not that big of a wuss!! )

On another subject...... they are going to keep my GD in the hospital for another week because she is so young and they want to keep her on the IV antibiotics to make sure the infection has absolutely no chance of coming back. The Dr's are concerned because her fever spiked so quickly with this so they are being extra cautious, which is a good thing. D24 was very upset and concerned at first because a nurse friend of hers said this was unusual and that they would normally send the baby home. The hospital had had a social worker come and chat with D24 and had asked D24 about her autism. So, D24 was afraid that "they" were thinking she was a bad mother and couldn't take care of GD and where going to try to take the baby away......so, I called and spoke with the social worker and the ward nurse and found that that was NOT the case at all. Everyone is actually very impressed with how "in tune" D24 is with GD, and they were actually trying to help D24 with the "extra attention". So, I was able to reassure D24 and all is well now.

Oh, and I "dumped" the guy from the "dating website". I'm not sure "dumped" is the right word because he was only a "friend" sort of. He was a nice distraction for a time, but he just seemed to become more and more un-reliable / un-communicative (ya' know like that book "He's just not that into you") Anyway, I was willing to pursue a friendship (and if it grew to more, that would be OK), but when he stopped returning calls and then had poor excuses......I just don't need the hassle or headache. Obviously not meant to be, but a fun distraction for a little while. Over-all, an educational experience.....

I know I said I was going to step back some from these long posts.......but I just had to assure you guys I wasn't a total emotionally wet noodle!!! (Especially you, Puppy!!)

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

[Puppy Dog Tails]

SC,

It doesn't matter what I think, or anyone else for that matter. What's important is for you to do what WORKS, and to do what's best for YOU. I think our skepticism comes from us seeing what he's done to you in the past, coupled with the old (but very true) adage that "we teach people how to treat us." We just don't want to see you fall back into your old habits in dealing with him, as they haven't been very effective up until now.

I'd advise two things:

1) ACTIONS, not WORDS (I'm talking about on HIS part); and

2) TRUST . . . but VERIFY.

If you can do those two things, and remain fairly detached, I think you can keep the accountability squarely on your husband's shoulders . . . where it belongs.

Puppy

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, ((((Pup)))).

I know it doesn't matter what you think really . You can seem like a real cynical hard a** sometimes, but my feeling is that you are very genuine and have good instincts. You say what you really think even if it may be hard for someone to hear.

Because your approach and outlook are so different from my own, I see your thoughts and advice as very valuable to me to help keep me grounded and not allow my emotions to run away with me.....and I have every intention of following the advice you gave!

[dl443322]

Hey S, please dont think that I underestimated you in any way.
I know you have a good head on your shoulders and will do what you think is right.

My comments came from the heart. I do not care a fig about your h. Sometimes when we are so close to a situation, it is hard to see it all. But, clearly, you have your eyes wide open.

Your GD is in my prayers.

[Silent Chrleader]

.....please dont think that I underestimated you in any way.....

I never thought that at all, BM!!

.....I know you have a good head on your shoulders ......

Debateable sometimes......but thanks for your vote of confidence!

.....My comments came from the heart. .....

As I know they always do, my friend......

To Infinity and Beyond!! ........... OK, yea that was dumb...

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all.....

Yes, I'm still alive and doing OK. Getting my mind wrapped around this "living for me" thing. Still get depressed and weepy more than I'd like, but I am learning how to "soothe myself" which is a good thing.

I'm really working hard at letting go and moving on.....I know that's best for me. H and I had a meeting with the lawyers (that is the bankruptcy lawyer and my lawyer). It went really well. The lawyers said it was rare to find two people in our position willing to work together and trust each other through this kind of process (i.e. the bankruptcy and legal seperation/divorce together). My D lawyer was impressed when the BR lawyer told H he had a decision to make on who he wants to see get his money (me or his creditors). H's reply was a vehement "Her, of course!" My L leaned over and whispered to me that that's not the usual answer she hears. And I just keep thinking that if we care about each other so much, why are we getting a D?!!

Actually before that meeting (and after it too) H and I took some time to sit and have a couple drinks together. I guess you would all call it backslide, but I basically told him what my feelings were about wishing that we could have just talked about what we want from our lives and see if we could have build a new and happy life together. H said again that he did not love the OW, and when I asked if she knew that, he said that he told her from day 1 that he would never marry again.....(I know, not an answer). At one point I asked him if he still loved me, and he said "No.........but then I don't love D24.....or even S18 any more for that matter." And strangely, I didn't cry or break down through any of this. I just felt so sad for him. He says he thinks there is just too much water over the bridge.....He says that he really truly believes that he was never meant to be a husband and father but he did it anyway because he believed that that was what he was supposed to do.....He honestly believes that! Maybe he's right...... I don't know anymore.

But, at least I am not internalizing his issues anymore. It certainly breaks my heart, but I can't take this journey for him......and I can't rely on him coming to see the gift he is throwing away in a family that loves him unconditionally.

The next day after those discussions, I sent the following e-mail.....

H,

I was thinking about our discussions yesterday and I was thinking that as we both try to remember and process what was said and where we each are and where we want to go with each of our lives, I just thought that I would re-state in writing where I am so that as you ponder everything over the next few months, you do so with real understanding of what I have asked for and not interpretations and recall of conversations colored by emotions (both yours and mine). I do not mean this to be "overkill", or "Typical SC can't shut up." so I hope you won't take it that way.

To sum it all up, I would just like the genuine opportunity to come together, just H and SC. No kids. No MIL. No BIL. No animals. Just us to come together as who we are and/or who we want to be, and see if we could perhaps build a happy life together going forward. No rehashing of past history. No recriminations. Complete honesty. Our best selves as we each define that for ourselves . No shoulds. No knuckling under. Each of us carrying our own buckets, but maybe willing to help with the others bucket if they ask.....?? Defining ourselves and our relationship each day as it comes.

You are not responsible for my happiness, nor I for yours, H. I am so sorry I ever gave you that responsibility over me. It was not fair to you or me, and that was a choice I made all by myself. And the truth is that I do know without any doubt whatsoever now that I will not only be OK without you (both practically and emotionally), but will in fact be quite happy. I would love again. However, when the lawyer(s) tell me that it's unusual to have two people so willing to work together and trust in the other through a situation like ours, it sure makes me think that if that's the case, why are we getting a divorce!? It simply doesn't make sense to me.

I sincerely suspect that there is a chance that we could be happy together, H, even though we are different people in many ways. I believe we may actually want the same things, and I would really like it if you could see your way clear to give us the real chance to find out.

Whatever you decide, know that I will always love you. And I am not sorry I chose you as my husband. I know that you have been "the rock" for me and everyone else for years, and I am thankful for having had you in my corner throughout the tough times in our history. I know without question that you always did your very best to do the right thing and be a good husband and father, and no matter what, I will always try to remember that above anything else.

Always,

SC

Yes, probably a "backslide" (I am the queen of those as you all know!). He is, after all, living with an OW! But at least I stay true to my heart. I didn't really expect a reply because the e-mail didn't call for one, but H did send one the next morning......

As I ponder things over the next few months, I will consider what you write here. I know there was some challenge to understanding what I meant about water over the bridge and how that colors my view. The past will have an effect on my view of the future, I don’t think I can lay that all behind a wall. Time will diminish those effects but they keep a level of importance that will continue to be something to hurdle.

I think this is the biggest reason why we both need to work very hard at being able to let everything go before we can move forward on whatever path we choose to travel.

H

So, while I really don't see hope for my M, I am at least grateful that he seems to genuinely care for me and is trying to do the right thing and be fair as far as the practical aspects of splitting up go....

I really am going to be just fine......I do know that!

[dl443322]

Sweetie, I am sorry I didnt get to speak with you yesterday. I will try you tomorrow if that is ok.

From a db point of view, probably not a good idea. But from an SC point of view, you felt you had to write it.

You have said it, he has acknowledged that he heard it, no need to say it all again, right?

Now, step back and let your actions match your words. Be the best SC you can be. Show him that he is not responsible for your happiness, that you have made changes and have realized how you needed to.

I wish I could give you a hug, my friend. This stuff is hard, very hard.

Remember, you said no rehashing of the past.

He needs to see that things would be different this time. How are you going to show him that that is true?

Continue to move forward on this journey. Change the things you want to change about you - for you.

Hang in there. I will speak to you soon.

[Silent Chrleader]

No worries, ((BM)).

I am OK really. I actually had a really great session with my C last week. He liked the e-mail on the whole. Thought it was straightforward and heartfelt but non-agressive and did not beg or plead or make promises.

At this point, unless H has some sort of epiphany, I am getting a D within the next few months. Maybe it will be a legal seperation (because I loose my military benefits a year after D, and since H has no desire to re-marry......), but I don't know about that yet. I do know that I have done all I could do. I am now going dark again as much as possible.