Stuck, I know it must feel like a knfe stabbing you when your W reacts like that just from your touch, but I promise that it is not admormal for a WAW to feel that way. That is why I was saying so much about being careful not to touch her at all during the evening out to the show & dinner. She has to reach a place where she can "relax" around you and not be expecting you to jump her bones any minute. I can almost see your face react from that statement, but I said it just that way so you would see that that is what she is thinking (even if you would not do it....she is thinking it).
When my H confronted me about my activity he had discovered on the computer, he was very sweet and told me that I was addicted to it. I was sitting there like a little girl that had been caught doing something bad and was feeling shame and embarrassed. We both knew I already had the depression problem b/c I had been on & off of AD meds for years due to my Fibromyalgia. However, at the time of my EA, I was not taking anything! I don't believe he brought that up, and to tell you the truth, I can't remember if it was my idea or his about seeing a counselor (probably mine b/c he wouldn't go). Do you know where he really messed up in that conversation with me? When he said, "What would your daddy have thought about you doing what you have"? My dad had passed away many years ago, but I thought the world of him and my H knew that my dad's opinion of everything mattered greatly to me. That is when it turned ugly b/c I almost snarled at him and told him not to "dare" bring my daddy into this! The reaso I got so angry was b/c it was my H's technique of making me feel guilty and I knew what he was doing! It backfired on him very badly and caused much resentment. Just remember that laying guilt at the feet of a WAW while she is in the fog will only makes matters worse.
If you were to approach her about your concern over her depression, I would be careful as to how to do it. The timing needs to be right. For instance, don't do it the night you take her to the show b/c that would spoil the evening. (Don't bring up the MR or anything like that at all that night!) I think you will see when the timing is right for you to bring it up and be sure you tell her with a sweet, soft voice and show compassion and not like you are judging or that she is being "punished" for what she has done. (As if to say, "You put yourself in this shape.) I do believe it is all a natural process and in fact, it makes me think she is not in contact with OM or you would see more "highs" from her. The "highs" comes from when she has been in contact with him and he has been feeding her ego or has given her some type of false hope for their future.
The babysteps are so small and slow coming until it is almost unbearable for the H, but it is still the best way to proceed in this type to stitch. I think you know by now that I pretty well say what I think or feel and try to be as honest as I can. I don't give people a lot of "stuff" just to make them feel better......even though I do want to encourage them.....I don't believe in telling them that everything is going to be okay if I don't see much hope. In your stitch, I do believe there is hope, Stuck, but it will take a long time sweetie. I have told you over and over how my H has had the patient of Job (in the Bible) and if he had not been able to do that, we would never had made it.
I know it is harder with younger couples b/c we were already in a SSM for years before my EA happened. He had stopped sharing the bedroom with me a long, long time ago.....but never said that it was due to our R. It's a long story! But what I'm saying is that if we had had an active sex life together, then he would have been ready to pick that back up after I stopped contact with the OM. If that had happened when we were younger (knowing how he use to be) he would have wanted make-up sex and I would not have been able to do that and then he would have felt rejected and I would have had "more" guilt poured on me and felt even more frigid toward him. So, again, that is why I try to tell H's to keep hands off until the W can get through the "process". It only delays the healing if pressure is applied and if enough pressure is applied......she will walk out.
Let me say this about your plans for the show & dinner (and notice I don't refer to it as a "date"). You said after that you planned to not do any more pushing and leave it up to her. Be careful about what mood you present to her afterwards b/c if you pull back too much from her, she will see you as being cold and pouting b/c it did not turn into a sexual night. Remember, I know what you are doing, but I'm telling you what she will be thinking as a WAW. Depending on how relaxed she feels and enjoys the evening--will decide her mood the next days following it. If she finds herself enjoying being with you.......she may be confused or feel good (never know). You must be prepared emotionally for whatever mood she may have and determine not to let it move you either way.....okay? Still don't push her, but I would say don't decide to go dark on her. She will misunderstand and think you are pouting. Try to stay consistant in your moods. Don't follow her around or smother her by any means, but don't ignore her either. Maintain your PMA and keep things light and free of any pressure (as much as possible). Big job for you, but it will be worth it in the end. I can't tell you how slow of a process this is. I do believe it may not be as slow for younger people. I feel that the age I was when this happened to us has a tremendous affect b/c we were going through one of those "transistion" periods in our lives. You know, couples/people don't stay the same. When you M very young and as you go down through the years together, you get older and you go through natural transistions in life and your MR--and you have to learn to adjust to that new era in your life and R. It is not easy, but when you have one that is involved in an EA/PA, then it is even more complicated and difficult to get through it. So, I hope and pray that she completely heals from this A and it never happens again as the two of you get older.
Somebody told me to stop refering to my age......lol. I can't remember now who it was (maybe you, but don't think so). I try but when I am making a point such as this.....I have to do it.
One more thing.....and seems like I have mentioned this before, but I would stay away from watching any serious love stories on TV or DVD's as much as possible when the two of you are together. Instead, watch funny movies or even those action type shows the men all like (lol), but nothing that might hit close to home like watching a MR movie. You know, like where one is involved in an A or there has been a D or something of that nature. It makes it very uncomforatble for both people. I know there will be a time and place for serious R talks, but I think she needs to be the one to bring it up. Again, I hand it to my H for doing that! She needs to be the one to bring up the R b/c you will pursuing if you do it. Your job is to try to keep a relaxed & fun environment. Big assignment, huh?
I'll let you go for now. I hope you will post as often as you can so I can stay caught up with the stitch.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
