Magnificent

[mishka422]

Thank you all for the support. So far so good. It's a little awkward....more on his side it seems than mine. GOOD! It should be strange for him. He's back in a situation he "escaped" from. Of course, without benefit of my 'wifely' duties.

So far, I have done well not telling him what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc.. He knows that there is a family wedding this weekend. Saw me wrapping the present and asked where the wedding was so I answered that. Marc is going with me (unfortunately couldn't seem to find a date willing to go...bummer! Would have loved a dance partner) so I figured he could know where his son would be.

I have several plans over the next month which he will not have any part in, no advance notice of, and will not hear a thing about.

I haven't sat him down yet to tell him the rules and boundaries yet. That is going to have to come tomorrow since I have plans tonight.

Yesterday I had made a pot roast in the crock pot for dinner. I told him he was of course welcome to some as there was plenty. I know he HATES pot roast.....too bad. It is there to eat and if he doesn't like it he can go hungry. He 'didn't feel like eating'. Still hasn't eaten and I made eggs and sausage for breakfast (again....he HATES sausage). Do you see a pattern here? All the things I know he hates happen to be the things I have made. Pretty amusing.

[MichelleLT]

LMAO Too funny. He's an adult, he can feed himself. Not your job, you're just the roommate. (granted, my roommate and I will share meals on a semi-regular basis, but we also expect the other to fend for themselves mostly)

(((Mishka))) Sounds like a good plan!

[mishka422]

Yeah, bit my tongue really hard tonight when he 1)didn't eat dinner and it was something he would have liked. 2)walked through the living room and said he would be back in a while. I resisted the automatic urge to ask "where are you going" and just went with "see ya". Yeah, not like me at all....HA!

I may have said about 10 words to him today. Pretty good I'd say. I'm not ignoring him, just going about my business as if he wasn't here.

I feel a little bad though that I keep feeling so glad that he is so miserable. Does that make me a bad person?

[Kalni]

Yep, you are a bad person but still better than 99,9% of the rest of us!!
(((mish)))
K

[One Day]

Wow Mishka! Your generosity is amazing. I'm not sure I could have H back here as a room mate- I can't imagine how much strength it must be taking to deal with it.

I think you've had some great advice from the others and am not sure I can really add but I'm thinking of you. Definitely protect your heart. I think keeping your distance s exactly the right thing to do.

L. xx

[mishka422]

The wedding was loads of fun last night. Danced so much that my legs are aching. Getting 'down low' is tough in 4 inch heels and with my body mass! Still.....lots of vodka cranberry was consumed with a huge after party at my cousin's house that went until 4:30am today. Again....fun fun fun!

Gabe and I chit chatted about movies, friends, activities, how the after party was, etc. this morning. He asked questions and I answered. Didn't give up too much info about my personal life but didn't clam up either. It was fine, no tension, pretty ok all in all. I think this being friends will work out quite well. Maybe it's because I know he's miserable and not with the broom anymore. I feel calm.

Shockingly, he just left the house and told me he was going to the Spanish language service at the Catholic church! GASP! He was raised Catholic but we used to joke that I knew more about Catholocism than he did and I'm a Baptist! He told me he's been going for about 4 weeks now. Incredible! He must be searching is all I can say. I hope he finds what he's looking for.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mishka! I have caught up, sorry, wow, I missed a development there! You know.. its some very interesting stars right now, but me and my ex have suddenly turned a corner this weekend.. its a very healing weekend and also a New Moon.

I would also have taken him in, to Marcs room, as you have done so well done you! And seems good that you are staying out of each others way. Thats fantastic that he is no longer with the broom (karma bit her on the *rse hey !!) and more amazing, that he is seeking a more spiritual path. Good for him! I can tell you are relieved.

I think it would be great if he can find some work, any work, now that he is in a less volatile situation (I bet they argued alot toward the end).. and then of course he can pay you some rent or contribute towards groceries/bills and make your life easier. How is Marc feeling having his dad kip on his bedroom floor? Is he glad to have him there?

Hugs to you Mish, I am pleased that things have gone this way...
xxx

[mishka422]

Thanks Al!

Marc is practically giddy to have his dad here with him. They actually are taking the sharing pretty well. I can tell Gabe wants to find a way out of this situation post haste but he knows he doesn't have another option right now.

I spent the largest majority of the day today helping my cousin with a side job she has doing handwork for a mail house. Stuffing 6"x9" flyers into ziplock bags and sealing them. She has 25,000 to do and with the help of every family member who ventured into the house today we finished about 15,000 of them. There were so many of us working on them at one point today that there was no table or floor space left in two rooms. We figured that we each are averaging 350 per hour. It's tedious and brainless work which, unless there are conversations going, leads a mind to wander.

My poor little mind wandering all my itself is never a good thing. At about 11pm tonight everyone had left the room except me. As my thoughts drifted I found myself looking at the picture collages on the wall in front of me. I was surprised to see pictures in the collage of me and Gabe at the family Thanksgiving trip to Pigeon Forge about 5 years ago. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was happy and content. It was like a hammer blow right between the eyes and I found myself tearing up. Good grief.....can't I just let it all go and forget about that part of my life. I seriously need to put that to rest. There were a lot of hpappy times, but thinking about them makes me realize all that I've lost and won't ever have and drags at me like a cement block chained to my feet. Horrible feelings of hopelessness and loneliness invade my thoughts. My cousin came back into the room and found me wiping tears from my eyes but didn't say anything about it. I'm not letting her leave me in the room alone again! It's made me feel extremely sad now.

I got home at midnight to find that Gabe is gone out somewhere. I didn't ask my mom how long he had been gone and I'm proud of myself for not doing that. I know he showered before he went because the walls were wet when I went in to use it myself and no one else would have used that bathroom. It's now 1:30a and I've been fighting with my traitorous mind telling myself that it doesn't matter where he is, he doesn't answer to me, blah blah blah......why is it bothering me? No idea. Long ingrained habit I'm sure.

Better get to sleep so I can get up at the crack of dawn and do this all over again. Yipee.....*blech*. It's a holiday but there is no rest for me. I'll be working on suffing bags all day and working at the market tomorrow night.

For those of you here in the US......Happy Memorial Day! Please remember our troops serving our country here and around the world as well as their predecessors who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. God Bless the USA!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Mishka...

Well done for not asking questions. I can see how hard this is/will be for you. The fact he showered and then went AWOL till gone 1am made you wonder if he had gone to see the broom I expect? Perhaps you felt momentarily jealous? Its a tricky one.. I cant imagine he would still be seeing her if he is now living back under your roof, thats terribly messy, but then looking at the mess Gabe has got himself into, anything is possible !!

I'm sorry you feel so lonely and isolated, but it sounds like you have a wonderful big family around you. I am sure Gabe misses that as much as you miss your family life with him. In fact, I am sure Gabe still loves you, but you know I am an old romantic fool and secretly want you two to get back together

You are doing brilliantly and everything happens for a reason
xxx

[mishka422]

Gabe doesn't miss my family one bit really. He always felt overwhelmed and an outsider no matter how much they included him and worked around him. His issue! He knew my family was large, loud, close and crazy before he married me.

Yesterday was a great Memorial Day (except that I had to work the last half of it at the grocery). Spent the afternoon at my friend Jill's house with her kids, our other friend and two of her kids and Marc. I had to practically drag him out of the pool so I could get home and change for work. I was so glad he was having so much fun though.

Yesterday morning Gabe decided to takle the rest of the garage, sorting stuff for yard sale, keep, and trash piles. I went out to help a little and he handed me a picture and asked me what to do with it. It was the huge portrait of us from our wedding - my mom's copy of it. I took it and held it up and said, "Oh look, when we were young and stupid." He said, "Yeah, and now we're old and stupid." I told him to speak for himself. It didn't hurt at all to find that though. You know what gouged at me? I opened a box of miscellaneous stuff and in there was a massive Valentine's Day card I had kept from when we were engaged. He had written such wonderful, lovely things in it to me. He expressed how much he loved me, couldn't wait for me to be his wife, and how I was going to be "stuck" with him forever and ever. Gee......we see how that went. I nearly threw it away but I think I'm going to keep it, like I have the letters he wrote me and love notes he used to leave on my car, to give to Marc along with all the photos of us through the years. I don't want Marc to ever get an idea in his head that he was not created from a passionate, deep love. It also reminded me that I was once loved. Something that I will need to hold on to for those dark times ahead. My heart still breaks with loneliness and sadness for all the lost dreams, but at least I had them once. That's more than some people are ever fortunate enough to have. I'll carry them to my grave.

Today is gloomy here, but I'm going to go out and get some exercise in it anyway. The air is so thick with humidity that it's like sucking water into your lungs and drowining drop by drop. Yuck! Gotta love the steamy south. HOTLANTA!