It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, [[[[[[Friends]]]]]].

Thank you all again for your support, and concern, and wise advice! It's funny, but in each of your posts after my post this morning (thru Sandycay), I swear I could hear you all give a collective "Uh Oh!!"

So, I want to assure you all of a few things.....

1. During my conversation with H last night, I did not get overly emotional at any point. I did not cry at all. I'm sure there was emotion in my voice at times, but my voice didn't quiver or anything, even when I asked if he loved her. I was pretty calm matter of fact through it all. My point is that I am still feeling pretty emotionally grounded with regards to moving on.

2. I do not "trust" even a smidgeon of what H said. By that I don't mean I think he was lying, I just mean that I am not "counting on" anything he said being truthful. For example, I think he told the plain truth when he said he didn't love OW....but, I'm betting he told her he does. I mean she let him move in with her, so I would think they had some sort of emotional investment.... but then this woman also laid down with him on a bed with my stuff on the bedside table, so obviously shes a woman of great quality!!!

3. The truth is that there is really nothing that H can do to me financially at this point to hurt me. We are both filing for BR. If he were to do anything "shady" it would not be my problem, but the BR trustee's problem and they are professionals and won't be "fooled" easily. Having said that, to give him his due, I have no reason to think that H would do something to hurt me financially. Even through the seperation, all his pay checks have still been going into our joint account and he is "shouldering" all the debt (except my car and student loan which I took). Emotionally and morally he may have no integrity, but financially I can't complain (other than his attitude sometimes)

4. I spoke with my lawyer today, and she confirmed again my understanding that it doesn't matter to me matrially if he files for BR or D, so there is nothing he can really do to hurt me that way. I have already chosen to not be vindictive, and cooperate with him on the BR, because of my own values. It behooves us both financially to work together on the BR. AND, I have asked, and she agreed, that my D attorney be at all the meetings with my and H and the BR lawyer so I have an impartial unemotionally invested support in my corner. She thinks I have absolutely made the best decision for myself financially and emotionally in approaching it this way.

5. As for the suggestion of getting into C with H, I am NOT looking for reconciliation. In fact, at this point, I do not think that I would even think about reconciling (even on the off chance that H was willing to comtemplate that) unless he agreed to sell the dream property. In my eyes that is the only way I think I could ever see H as having earned back that level of trust to possibly enter into a M with him again. Ya know? H would never do that I know, and in fact I don't believe he will agree to get into C with me, so it's all a moot point anyway.

6. If H were to agree to meet, he has said that he would want at least 1 or 2 IC sessions before that. I too would discuss it with C before getting into a room with H and see if C thinks it would be a worthwhile exercise for me to do. My desired out come would not be reconciliation as I said, but understanding, acknowledgement/acceptance by H of his part in the breakdown of our M........CLOSURE! Again, I don't think H will be willing anyway so it's a moot point.

So, I hope you can all see that I have not "caved" and allowed my heart to run away with me so soon. As I have said, I am sure I will "backslide", but hopefully too soon.......(Puppy, I hope I haven't lost all your respect!! I'm not that big of a wuss!! )

On another subject...... they are going to keep my GD in the hospital for another week because she is so young and they want to keep her on the IV antibiotics to make sure the infection has absolutely no chance of coming back. The Dr's are concerned because her fever spiked so quickly with this so they are being extra cautious, which is a good thing. D24 was very upset and concerned at first because a nurse friend of hers said this was unusual and that they would normally send the baby home. The hospital had had a social worker come and chat with D24 and had asked D24 about her autism. So, D24 was afraid that "they" were thinking she was a bad mother and couldn't take care of GD and where going to try to take the baby away......so, I called and spoke with the social worker and the ward nurse and found that that was NOT the case at all. Everyone is actually very impressed with how "in tune" D24 is with GD, and they were actually trying to help D24 with the "extra attention". So, I was able to reassure D24 and all is well now.

Oh, and I "dumped" the guy from the "dating website". I'm not sure "dumped" is the right word because he was only a "friend" sort of. He was a nice distraction for a time, but he just seemed to become more and more un-reliable / un-communicative (ya' know like that book "He's just not that into you") Anyway, I was willing to pursue a friendship (and if it grew to more, that would be OK), but when he stopped returning calls and then had poor excuses......I just don't need the hassle or headache. Obviously not meant to be, but a fun distraction for a little while. Over-all, an educational experience.....

I know I said I was going to step back some from these long posts.......but I just had to assure you guys I wasn't a total emotionally wet noodle!!! (Especially you, Puppy!!)

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))