WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

I have been reading more of your thread tonight. I see her in a different light unlike the way I did when you were talking about the family outing to the carnival. I figured she was the "typical" WAW. Now, I don't think she is......except for being confused about what she really wants. "Most" WAW's (IMHO) are not clingy and needy toward their LBH's like she is toward you. She seems to be co-dependent on you. In fact, both of you seem to be that way toward each other. I think it would certainly take more than an ordinary "counselor" to help her. She has issues that she will not drop. Maybe she thinks she "can't".....but some of the things she holds on to is b/c she "won't" let it go.....such as being mad at her sister for something that happen in high school! That is just stupid.

Sandi - Unfortunately, I'm actually glad that you are as confused by her as am I. My friends don't understand why she calls/emails/text either. Even tonite, when I was out with my boys, I got a text from her around 6:00 PM that she was still at work and complaining about how her boss asked for a report and blah blah blah. I waited about 30 minutes and just replied - "Ouch - tough way to start a long weekend". She replied right back that she was just finished. I wasn't sure if she thought I was going to invite her out with us or not, but I didn't even reply. She didn't call tonite though. It didn't bother me at all. I had a great time with the boys.

I know I've become emotionally co-dependent upon her. Ironically, when I met her, I didn't think of her other than a one nite stand, or a holiday fling (I met her 2 days before X-mas and the day after my ex-stripper girlfriend and I broke up). Now I used to just party with club girls and dancers. I never thought I would get married. My wife looks nothing like those types of girls. She was a "nice" girl. I think I was her first guy she dated outside of HS and church. Oddly, within the first month, I had practically moved in with her and inside of 3 months I did (even though I had just bought a house a couple of months before I met her). It was during that time that I fell in love with her. She was the first girl I ever met that I felt emotionally connected with or cared for me so sincerely. So we got pre-engaged about 6 months after I met her, engaged about 4 months after that and married 10 months after that.

On her side, with her father abandoning them when she was 7, she was always emotionally starved for male approval (at least that's the sense I got and the read that my therapist/marriage counselor got as well). My wife is full figured and has always been very self conscious of appearances. I am of a large build, but when I met her I was doing Karate 5 nites/week, 3 hours each nite as well as going to the gym where I was benching 300lbs and curling 135 lbs, so I was pretty solid. When I met her I stopped all that and over the years I had let myself go. Since the bomb and losing 25 lbs, she had even commented about how I'm now back to the same size (although not as solid yet) as when I met her. Meanwhile, since the bomb, she gained about 20 lbs. She even brought that up the nite of the carnival.

Where I've gotten emotionally dependent on her is that she kept my love tanks filled, even though (and I didn't realize it till after the bomb) I stopped filling hers. So I've become addicted to having my love tanks filled after they had never been filled before. I think that's part of my detachment, to wean myself off the love tank drug. I'm doing it slowly and surely, but the part that keeps me going back to the well is when I see how confused/sad/angry my boys get at times.

It makes me want to get her and shake her b/c she has been blessed with healthy children and family (as far as I can tell) and you don't seem to have any financial burdens or other huge problems that so many people are faced with today. She sounds like a teenage girl that has her head in a romance novel and is disappointed that you are not like the "hero" in the novel. Life is not that way! It would surprise you to know how many women think that men "should" know how to read a woman's mind. Those "books" are the reason behind a lot of that mentality b/c they are written by female authors--and of course they are written with the hero being seen as every woman's dream lover. In those books, the man "does" know exactly what the woman needs. He knows what she is thinking without her saying anything. She never has to tell him what she needs sexually b/c he "just knows"! Of course, she always melts at his touch b/c he is so experienced in the ways of ML. It is all hype and women can escape to that dream world and fantasize. However, if she is not mature enough to accept what "reality" is and know that men CANNOT read a woman's mind and that she must TELL HIM what she needs......then she has set herself up for a great disappointment in the MR. I could be way off base, but that is what I am wondering about your W. She seems immature for her age when it comes to this area of life.

Sandi - I do agree with you 100%. Even my therapist/marriage counselor had brought that up. The way she communicates (or doesn't) means I would need to be a mind reader to know what she wants. My therapist/marriage counselor has said that to her. When she heard that, she shut down very quickly and got very defensive once we got home (before she moved out). She would say that she tried everything and how could she have any fault if I didn't understand what she was trying to say. She says that happily married couples should be able to just look at each other accross the room and see the person's emotion/feelings in the other person's eyes. I almost couldn't contain my laughter/disbelief when she said it.

My therapist has even said that she seems to be holding onto the hurt for some reason that my therapist can figure out. She had made a one on one appointment with my therpist/marriage counselor but cancelled at the last minute. Oddly, that was also the first nite my wife and I hooked up again since the bomb.

I know I've hurt her feelings by neglecting her, but I do agree that we have everything else going for us materially (house, cars, etc) and 2 great boys. That was actually one of the things she tried to tell me when she wrote the lyrics of "Buy me a rose" by Kenny Rogers in a 1/2 anniversary card that she gave me last year. I read it but didn't get it at all - I thought she wanted me to buy her a rose and thought I was in trouble for not since we had never celebrated an 1/2 anniversary before. Boy was I off base....

I am not dismissing her pain as a child...where her father is concerned. Knowing that she can't let other issues go.....I'm sure she has "allowed" that pain to control her entire life. She is still comparing her R with you to her father.

This came up during counseling a couple of times. She said that she had always kept a distance from her dad as he has tried to reconnect since she got out of college (of course when she didn't need his financial support anymore). She said that she didn't think that he had/could really change into someone that she could count on. Even when he was suppose to come visit us and our kids for the holidays, she would wait to tell the kids until the day of and when he actually called to say he was on his way.

She is in limbo, which is typical of WAW's, but as I said before....most WAW's don't desire to call their H's several times and send emails, etc. So....there is something here that I haven't figured out yet and as I continue to read, maybe it will come to light better. I can't help but have this nagging thought that she may be using the D as her tool to get your attention. She must want it (unlike I first thought when I read about the carnival trip) b/c otherwise, why would she be the one to make all those calls? You said she was the center of your universe and then it stopped. So, is this a cry for your attention again?
She will get tired of playing house. As you said, the packing and unpacking has about played out and now reality is hitting her. Maybe when I read more I will see where she is torn about D or staying M.....but for now, I think she doesn't think of anything else but you.....just like you can't think of anything but her! You must admit.....when she left you and filed for D, she was once again the center of your universe! She had you undivided attention!

I've actually told her that I know she felt that she didn't have my attention in the past (I didn't argue starting when), but told her that she has my full undivided attention now. That was during my 180, but she kept saying that she didn't believe it and felt it was just an act/script that I was following. But I stayed consistent right up to the point she moved out. Even the day she moved out, she came and gave me a hug and wouldn't let go even though I tried to break off the hug a couple of times. I told her that my feelings haven't changed and I believe that the marriage relationship can work if both work on it. I told her that I was going to respect the time and space that she wants but not to take the fact that I'm not calling/contacting her that my feelings have changed. I told her that I will leave it up to her to initiate.

So, in short, do I think that the Divorce is just a play? I don't know - especially since we've already payed almost $8K in legal fees just to get us to this point. If it's just a play, I will be mad! I had asked her to even stop/pause the proceedings as she's figuring things out. She had said that she would think about it, but yet on Friday I got a notice to appear for child support hearing. I asked her about it and she said she had no idea as she didn't do anything to file for it.

Very frustrating/confusing

Just putting thoughts on paper. As I told you last night, I have not quite figured her out yet, but I don't think she is the "typical" WAW. I don't think she has "walked away" emotionally or mentally, yet.

That should be a good thing right? She has claimed that I chipped away all her love for me and threw it all away. Yet, during marriage counseling, my therapist/our counselor asked her point blank if she still loved me. She didn't give a yes or no answer. She rambled on for a bit and even my therapist didn't understand her answer.

She has recently said that she trust me with the boys and everything relative to the boys but can not see trusting me with her heart again. So, is that a sign that she's walked away emotionally/mentally?

BTW, I could tell in that one post about the carnival conversation that her self esteem was very low and she needed you to constantly feed her ego. When a woman says she "feels fat".....that is your clue, so wake up and realize that she is hinting for some ego food! Don't say you are sorry she feels that way and you plan to have a good time.......she is thinking about herself (which is typical of low self esteem) and she needs you to build her up. At least that is what she is wanting even though she would never "say" it to you. Instead of saying, "you look great, let's go".......you could stop everything and take a long good look at her and say, "Personally, I think you look pretty darn hot".......or something to that effect. To say, "you look nice" is a typical husband statement.....as if you never knew any other expression to compliment her. It doesn't weigh much if she's head it a lot. She needs to hear something new and fresh and exciting to her. That is why a lot of WAW's turn to OM. Her low self esteem could be one of the main reasons she is so clingy to you, but I don't know that for sure. It is unfortunate that she is this age and has not overcome more than she has. She needs somebody that could help her just in the area of self esteem.....alone. I don't think a spouse can make the other one "have" high self esteem, necessarily, but he/she can help "feed" it.

Sandi - I will definitely try what you suggested if the opportunity presents itself again. She had complained during counseling how when she would wear certain outfits out or when she would get her hair done/colored that I wouldn't notice. She said it made her feel like I didn't care or pay any attention to her. So that had been part of my 180. When she gets her nails done or hair colored or when she wears something hot, I say something. I did that right up to when she moved out. Problem was then she would complain during counseling how I was immature of how I was always commenting about how sexy I thought she looked. Guess I just can't win...

This may take some figuring out...... . I do not take away what I said last night about the advice I gave for your do's and don'ts, but I am trying to get a better picture of her. Anyway, take care and I will talk to you later.

Sandi - I've read you post many times (as others have suggested). I'm still digesting and trying to figure it all out. The general gist of it seems to be stop talking so much; listen; listen; and listen. When I do have to answer, keep it short and to the point, but with some interest/emotion (not cold). Did I get that about right?