Sandi's Place

[sandi2]

Hi Stuck, I thought I would have gotten by to see you by now, but just haven't made it. Must be slowing down......

When you take your W out to the show and dinner, etc., be sure you do not "touch" her even in an unsexual way. The slighest touch on her arm or shoulder.....it puts pressure on her. While watching the show, don't try to put your arm around her shoulder or whatever.....no slight touch of the legs or hands or face......absolutely nothing. I know....it's awful, but that is the mode she is in right now. If you were to take her hand and walk into the theater, she would feel like you were pursuing her, and maybe you would not see it at all.....but that is why i am telling you.....so you won't mess up. That's what friends are for, right?

After this I'm not going to push anything anymore and just let her be the one to initiate.

So, are you admitting that this is a "push"? You know my concerns about it in the past, but you have been very determined about it. That is why I keep preaching to keep it as if you were with only a "friend".....nothing more. Oh, btw, please don't mention the word "pressue" or "expectations" while out during the evening. What you told her before was fine, but if you say it while you are out that evening with her.....it will spoil the mood. The words alone puts a damper on everything for her b/c she "knows" what you are thinking when/if you use those words while you are with her. Remember, the woman is your W and she can read you pretty well, right?

Try not to talk about the kids, okay? Stay away from topics of family or old friends (or new ones you may not like). Try to find other topics to discuss. Keep it very, very light, easy and laid back.

I did have a question though. While you were in your WAW mode and not liking your H, did you often mood swing from happy to depressed?

Oh yes!! It was horrible! At times, I wondered if I was loosing my mind. It would change from one way that morning to completely different by evening. My heart can't help but feel for her b/c it is a feeling I never want to experience again. The depression was something I've had to deal with a long time b/c of other reasons, but being an AWAW sure added to the problem. I also remember having some "panic" or anxiety attacks, but did not really know that was what was happening to me. I know realize what it was.

I've noticed my W going back into her depressed mode and even not wanting to do things with our Ds. I keep thinking that maybe she's thinking of OM and feeling trapped.

That is a normal process for her. She will go in and out of the state of depression......and may even need some AD's if it gets bad enough. She will think of OM but does not mean that she is contacting him. She has a lot of thoughts and emotions she is dealing with. If she has stopped making contact with him......then she will have to get through the grieving process which is not pleasant for a H to think about, but it is grieving the fantasy more than anything else. She has to allow her brain to get rid of those chemicals that she is addicted to......and like any other drug, it is not a good feeling to come down off that "high".

When a parent loses interest in doing things with their children, then you know they are truly "depressed" and it is not some silly thing that they are going through and can "snap" out of it. If it had not been for my mother being there for me and showing me her love and trying to understand as best as she could......I don't think I would have made it. I owe so much to her (and of course to God), and to my H for giving me so much space and the time I needed to heal from that awful crises I went through.

Take care and I'll catch you later.

Sandi