I have been reading more of your thread tonight. I see her in a different light unlike the way I did when you were talking about the family outing to the carnival. I figured she was the "typical" WAW. Now, I don't think she is......except for being confused about what she really wants. "Most" WAW's (IMHO) are not clingy and needy toward their LBH's like she is toward you. She seems to be co-dependent on you. In fact, both of you seem to be that way toward each other. I think it would certainly take more than an ordinary "counselor" to help her. She has issues that she will not drop. Maybe she thinks she "can't".....but some of the things she holds on to is b/c she "won't" let it go.....such as being mad at her sister for something that happen in high school! That is just stupid. It makes me want to get her and shake her b/c she has been blessed with healthy children and family (as far as I can tell) and you don't seem to have any financial burdens or other huge problems that so many people are faced with today. She sounds like a teenage girl that has her head in a romance novel and is disappointed that you are not like the "hero" in the novel. Life is not that way! It would surprise you to know how many women think that men "should" know how to read a woman's mind. Those "books" are the reason behind a lot of that mentality b/c they are written by female authors--and of course they are written with the hero being seen as every woman's dream lover. In those books, the man "does" know exactly what the woman needs. He knows what she is thinking without her saying anything. She never has to tell him what she needs sexually b/c he "just knows"! Of course, she always melts at his touch b/c he is so experienced in the ways of ML. It is all hype and women can escape to that dream world and fantasize. However, if she is not mature enough to accept what "reality" is and know that men CANNOT read a woman's mind and that she must TELL HIM what she needs......then she has set herself up for a great disappointment in the MR. I could be way off base, but that is what I am wondering about your W. She seems immature for her age when it comes to this area of life.

I am not dismissing her pain as a child...where her father is concerned. Knowing that she can't let other issues go.....I'm sure she has "allowed" that pain to control her entire life. She is still comparing her R with you to her father.

She is in limbo, which is typical of WAW's, but as I said before....most WAW's don't desire to call their H's several times and send emails, etc. So....there is something here that I haven't figured out yet and as I continue to read, maybe it will come to light better. I can't help but have this nagging thought that she may be using the D as her tool to get your attention. She must want it (unlike I first thought when I read about the carnival trip) b/c otherwise, why would she be the one to make all those calls? You said she was the center of your universe and then it stopped. So, is this a cry for your attention again?

She will get tired of playing house. As you said, the packing and unpacking has about played out and now reality is hitting her. Maybe when I read more I will see where she is torn about D or staying M.....but for now, I think she doesn't think of anything else but you.....just like you can't think of anything but her! You must admit.....when she left you and filed for D, she was once again the center of your universe! She had you undivided attention!

Just putting thoughts on paper. As I told you last night, I have not quite figured her out yet, but I don't think she is the "typical" WAW. I don't think she has "walked away" emotionally or mentally, yet.

BTW, I could tell in that one post about the carnival conversation that her self esteem was very low and she needed you to constantly feed her ego. When a woman says she "feels fat".....that is your clue, so wake up and realize that she is hinting for some ego food! Don't say you are sorry she feels that way and you plan to have a good time.......she is thinking about herself (which is typical of low self esteem) and she needs you to build her up. At least that is what she is wanting even though she would never "say" it to you. Instead of saying, "you look great, let's go".......you could stop everything and take a long good look at her and say, "Personally, I think you look pretty darn hot".......or something to that effect. To say, "you look nice" is a typical husband statement.....as if you never knew any other expression to compliment her. It doesn't weigh much if she's head it a lot. She needs to hear something new and fresh and exciting to her. That is why a lot of WAW's turn to OM. Her low self esteem could be one of the main reasons she is so clingy to you, but I don't know that for sure. It is unfortunate that she is this age and has not overcome more than she has. She needs somebody that could help her just in the area of self esteem.....alone. I don't think a spouse can make the other one "have" high self esteem, necessarily, but he/she can help "feed" it.

This may take some figuring out...... . I do not take away what I said last night about the advice I gave for your do's and don'ts, but I am trying to get a better picture of her. Anyway, take care and I will talk to you later.

Sandi





It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!