New to this Community seeking advice

[pollyanna]

I like the idea of mixing the calls up.

[JR09]

Well, I broke from my THU evening phone call routine today and called my W this evening briefly to say Hi. She didn't seem to mind. Very friendly tone of voice, no anger, nothing. We just had a friendly conversation. And I called the shot to end the phone call 11 min later.

I tried to not talk too much, but it led to some awkward silence at times. She also tried to fill in the blanks here and there telling me that she was doing well. I didn't know how to let her talk and just listen because I felt awkward with the silence.

Maybe she felt the same way too. She never mentioned the divorce proceedings in our 11 min contact. She could have easily done so I guess, but she never did.She told me a few weeks ago that the divorce will be dismissed by the courts unless something is done about it. Well, I didn't volunteer to do anything about it, and my W is still not pushing anything on her side. I assume she would have told me about it. I felt good about that. Kinda gave me hope.

But I really have no idea about the status of the Divorce that she filed end of JAN 09.I won't ask her either. I thought there was no need to trigger any negative thoughts from her or give her the impression that I am interested in getting the D proceedings moving.

So many unknowns, so much limbo...Well, I've been in that limbo now for 11 months. Gotta keep working on myself and remember that PATIENCE is the key.

JR09

[JR09]

OK, I am second guessing myself and wonder if I did the right thing with calling my W. I didn't want to sound needy or clingy.
Maybe that's how my W perceived me. I don't know...

What could I have done better? Any suggestions anyone? Thanks for any input...

JR09

[mnt_dreams]

No point in second guessing.. but maybe next time you talk, if you have an awkward silence again, tell her you have to go and get off the phone.

[Ready2Change]

Here are more thoughts:

You want to project that you are interest in her and at the same time NOT needy. Direct the conversation and make it all about her. Soooo maybe next phone call.....

You: "Hi, How are you?"

If she answers "Fine" Listen to her voice
You: " you sound " happy,sad,tired,angry......

When it gets quiet, YOU end the conversation. "It was nice talking with you! Have a great day and I will talk to you soon"


Just be in the moment and don't second guess yourself. You are doing to best you can with what you know. Every conversation with her will be an opportunity to test things and learn. Do more of what works and stop doing what doesn't work.

[JR09]

I called my boys tonight to say HI and also to say Hi to my WAW. It was great to listen to the boys. Then I talked to my W.
I inquired about her health and chitchated about when I could link up again with the boys since school is out. She said anytime I get to take time off work.

Then,out of the blue, my W said I have another 6 months, referring to the divorce proceedings which she filed end of JAN 09. Apparently she filed for an extension to keep the divorce in the courts. I don't know if she really filed for an extension. We haven't done anything about it since she filed. She said I have 6 months then I have to sign. I told her I didn't understand what options I had. She said she needs to finish "it".

Then, again out of the blue, she switched topics and reminded me to let her know when I get vacation time so we can link up for me to see the boys. Because I am in the military, it is not as easy to take time off. Plus my W lives with her parents for the past year,900 miles away...

I didn't say anything when my W brought up the divorce issue. I did my best to DB and not react to it at all, which I think is what my W expected me to do, trying to get me into an argument and reinforce her idea that it was OK to walk away. But I really kept my composure and didn't reply at all. I just said I was glad the boys and her were doing well, then I ended the conversation and said I had to go, then said good bye. She said Bye as well. And that was it for our conversation.

I remembered the DB technique to not get sucked into a fight on the phone and keep one's cool even if the WAW tries to get you to react. I thought I did well. After I hung up, I repeatedly kept reminding myself to NOT believe anything she says, which gave me hope and comfort this evening.

Any feedback from anybody? What else could I have said differently or better?

Food for thought. Separated for 11 months and still hanging in there.

JR09

[JR09]

I went online tonight after I talked with my W. I tried to look up this "extension to keep a divorce proceeding active in the courts". I couldn't find anything other than the waiting period before a divorce can be finalized in my W's specific state is 20 days. It also usually takes between 30 and 60 days for a divorce to be final after it has been filed.

My W filed end of JAN. We are now in JUN 09. I believe the divorce should have been done a while ago if my W has actively pursued it...Sorry if I am rambling about all this legal stuff. I don't seem to understand all the legal deadlines. I haven't found anything about an "extension to keep a divorce proceeding active in the courts". Does such thing exist? Just asking...

JR09

[hopeful_cb]

Hi jr09, I can't help you with any of the legal stuff there bc I don't know about it either. But I think you did good not getting sucked into an argument, she probably did expect it and maybe was even pushing for it like you said. So good on you for not engaging and responding differently. It can be so hard to keep your cool and not get sucked in but(I have found) it will get easier the more you practice it. And good on ending the conversation first, I still find that hard to do sometimes!

[healthydad]

Hi JR09,
Sorry you're going through something so tough - I know the frustration can be exhausting.

From my quick read of your sitch, I would suggest turning your scope a bit more on yourself...in particular about the divorce - while it's important to do what you have to do in terms of preparing yourself for the real possibility of it going through - you can also continue to do what you have to do to concentrate on improving yourself - and not getting distracted either by your W's anger - or her methods of manipulating you. Yes...that's how I see the D game as it's played a lot of the time here - the spouse that leaves uses talk of D as a form of manipulation - and it works so well there's really no reason not to...especially if the WAS can keep bringing it up as a way to control the LBS...

What's the story on your anger now? Managing it more? Understanding it more? Learning about yourself?

-Carlos.

[JR09]

Carlos,

I have done really well on the anger part. I can't say it is gone for good, however I know I made tremendous progress in learning how to control it and rechanneling it in a different way(go to gym, walk, hobby, etc...).

Good point on focusing more on myself. I know it is one of the main points throughout this BB. Not easy to do. But I understand the importance of doing things for oneself instead of always being absorbed with the WAW's potential thoughts, moves, etc...

THANKS for the encouragement Carlos and Hopeful. THANKS for CARING. I hope this finds you well.

JR09