I have been really leaving H alone and trying to be patient. This morning I asked him if he thought that the fact that I was a mother when he met me has anything to do with our problem. I was thinking about the whole madonna/whore thing. He understood what I meant right away.
He shook his head and said no, that's not really it, though that may influence a bit. He said that it is his problem, that us going to therapy together will not do any good at all, and that he needs to see a therapist of his own. He said after his ex-wife left him (oh so many years ago), he just shut down and said he didn't need anybody. He said maybe it's from being raised by a single mother. I asked him if he was abused, and he said no, he doesn't think so, and then repeated no. He said that he would be more comfortable talking to a guy and that he would find somebody, but that I needed to cancel the MC. He said he knows he needs to work on it, cause he doesn't want to wake up one day and be all alone.
Later in the day he asked me to help him find someone, so I went on the insurance website and printed him out a list of counselors that are in network. I told him that he has lots of visits covered, so he doesn't have to worry about that.
So, I think this is big progress, but I find myself feeling really sad about it. I feel that it is all completely out of my control, so I can do NOTHING to change our situation, and that he may use that to just completely stall any change. I feel scared that he will go to therapy and find that he never loved me to begin with and leave me to find someone he really loves. I am worried that he will be more hurt than I ever imagined and that we are in for a long messy time of it. Even so, I am in for the long haul, and we are worth fighting for.
So these are my feelings. I'm not saying they are right, but it is how I'm feeling. I guess now I can kind of see how having my own interests and goals to focus on becomes really important.
I am thinking that I do need to work on losing some weight, because I will feel soooo much more sexy and feminine. So, what I see in my head is me really working on my own confidence and sexuality, really without need of validation from him. Easier said than done, I think.
BTW, doctor changed a medication and it caused me to gain 8 pounds that I had just lost. My food was perfect and I was exercising, it was strictly the change in medication, so now I have to lose those 8 pounds over again. So not fair.
