Oh boy! Today I think maybe I'm the lucky girl! (Don't wanna steal your name Lucky, but,...) Our anniversary was lovely. We went out with the kids, and after they were in bed, we sat outside just talking about nothing much. When we went to bed, he initiated and we ML. Later he said that he never realized how much I had been hurting and he was going to fix it. Now, I know, I know, that doesn't mean it's all better now, but at least he is willing to look at it and to admit that there is a problem. It has been such a challenging week, and I know it is just the begining, but for now, I'm happy.
mama...that sounds like GREAT progress! Try to keep that positive mental attitude, it really helps and will encourage him to stay on track! I'm very hopeful for your situation.
I am so happy for you! Did he settle in to the realization about your pain on his own since or last talk, or did you have any subsequent discussions? Do you think he read SSM?
His recognition of your pain and his commitment to work are excellent signs!
I would be delighted to share my name with you, as long as that means that you and your hubby are on the road to happiness!
OK, so my reluctant husband left work to go to the counselor with me, and as we sat in the waiting room, she called in to say her daughter had an emergency at the high school, and she would have to reschedule. I could have just broken down right then and there and cried. I didn't, but I could have! I thought for sure he would just be done, but he agreed to reschedule, so I am grateful for that. We will have to wait another week and a half to go, so that's a bummer.
Lucky, I am not sure what brought the turnaround in his attitude. He spent some time with the kids when we were on the freeze out, and he said later that he realized how much he had to lose. He may have read a bit of SSM, but I think he just moved it without reading it. H is pretty sure that he understands perfectly what is going on between us, and sure that he can fix it. He says he knows he needs to be more present in the moment, and that's true, but I knows there's more to it. I guess now I have to be patient. I hate being patient!
I have been really leaving H alone and trying to be patient. This morning I asked him if he thought that the fact that I was a mother when he met me has anything to do with our problem. I was thinking about the whole madonna/whore thing. He understood what I meant right away.
He shook his head and said no, that's not really it, though that may influence a bit. He said that it is his problem, that us going to therapy together will not do any good at all, and that he needs to see a therapist of his own. He said after his ex-wife left him (oh so many years ago), he just shut down and said he didn't need anybody. He said maybe it's from being raised by a single mother. I asked him if he was abused, and he said no, he doesn't think so, and then repeated no. He said that he would be more comfortable talking to a guy and that he would find somebody, but that I needed to cancel the MC. He said he knows he needs to work on it, cause he doesn't want to wake up one day and be all alone.
Later in the day he asked me to help him find someone, so I went on the insurance website and printed him out a list of counselors that are in network. I told him that he has lots of visits covered, so he doesn't have to worry about that.
So, I think this is big progress, but I find myself feeling really sad about it. I feel that it is all completely out of my control, so I can do NOTHING to change our situation, and that he may use that to just completely stall any change. I feel scared that he will go to therapy and find that he never loved me to begin with and leave me to find someone he really loves. I am worried that he will be more hurt than I ever imagined and that we are in for a long messy time of it. Even so, I am in for the long haul, and we are worth fighting for.
So these are my feelings. I'm not saying they are right, but it is how I'm feeling. I guess now I can kind of see how having my own interests and goals to focus on becomes really important.
I am thinking that I do need to work on losing some weight, because I will feel soooo much more sexy and feminine. So, what I see in my head is me really working on my own confidence and sexuality, really without need of validation from him. Easier said than done, I think.
BTW, doctor changed a medication and it caused me to gain 8 pounds that I had just lost. My food was perfect and I was exercising, it was strictly the change in medication, so now I have to lose those 8 pounds over again. So not fair.
Mama - I hope you come and keep posting updates. These past couple you've posted are so very encouraging.
I can understand the fear you are having, when you say "I am worried that he will be more hurt than I ever imagined and that we are in for a long messy time of it." You feel it is beyond your control because they are his issues, and you fear that it may take a long time in counseling for him to figure out how to handle the issues.
But please remember you've taken your first baby steps only, and until he gets into the groove of counseling, try not to have any preconceived issues yourself about his possible issues. He may talk to someone a few times, get a few good items to think about, and then *click* lots of things might fall into place. In fact, that is pretty much Lucky's situation at this moment...I think her H may have benefitted from counseling, but before he even got to that point during her latest efforts, he just made a personal realization and stepped up his game, and that in itself made him realize HE was missing out on the intimacy, too. Sometimes that is truly all it takes. Sometimes, you know you do have issues to struggle through, but the first step of just realizing that can sometimes be all it takes to start that snowball down the hill on its own and break you free from your previous constraints.
So even while you are patient and settle in and expect a long ride, also don't be surprised if progress happens rather quickly. It can in some cases.
H took a day off on Friday, and had a 4 day weekend. We spent a lot of time together and with the kids. We had a babysitter on Sat nite so we went out on a date night. He likes to go hang out at this filthy drive in with a bunch of car people and show off his car, so I offerred that we should do that. This is really not something I enjoy, so I did it for him, and I did it with a good attitude. He had a good time, and I did too, sorta...
When we got home, he initiated ML. I had thought about it for a while, and I was honestly just so tired of the duty sex, and I told him I wanted to take a break from that for a while. I wanted to give him some time to get started in therapy and not be worried about this for a while. I told him that I was pretty sure that we would start up again soon enough, but that I wanted it to be for him too. I don't know if this was the right thing to do, but it seemes to have worked out ok.
He didn't get it at first. He asked what happens if things never change and he cannot change his LD. I didn't really answer, cause I honestly don't know. I did say that I am committed to our marriage and I am so happy that he is willing to work towards making things better. He said that he thought it might be too late and I might be too hurt. He said he thought that I was already "gone" and nothing he could do could bring me back. (I think this is a result of GALing. It freaks him out to see me exercising and taking care of myself. He likes it, but it freaks him out.) I told him that I was hurt, but not beyond repair. We talked a lot. He re-committed to find a therapist and make an appointment.
On Tuesday after the big weekend, he called around and found a therapist. He has an appointment Thursday. He has been very sweet. He has been holding my hand and snuggling at night. He asked if we could work on our hobbies after the kids went to bed, instead of watching TV. He works on one hobby, I work on another, but we are in the same room. I'm hoping that the time together without the pressure of direct conversation will help him open up. I have read that this is effective with teenagers, so who knows? Maybe it will work with him.
In the meantime, I am still completely in the dark about the why of the whole thing. Sort of patiently waiting.
It sounds like your H continues to be responsive to your GALing efforts and to your measured discussions. As long as you are satisfied with the progress, you are making all the right moves in just the right intensity.
Have you ordered Passionate Marriage (Schnarch) yet?
Lucky...Thanks for the encouragement! I did go to B&N and ordered it. It should be here very soon. I keep checking the library also, but it is still checked out.
Stillhope...he has a muscle car that he adores and scares me to death. NEVER watch that Quentin Terantino movie "Deathproof" and ever expect to ride unbuckled in a car ever again. Poor guy needed a wild woman for a wife that would get in the car and yell, "Faster!" instead of me who gets in only beacuse he loves it so much and truly has to come to terms with my own death everytime I get in the thing!
