H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, naej, yes, I'd like to see that plan/pep talk if someone comes up with one. My skin is thicker than it used to be, but not elephantine.

Okay, here's some weirdness, and I would be interested to hear opinions on the matter: I just got this call from my friend Lynn, who is really the only person left who talks to both H and me and has successfully avoided choosing sides. I have written about her here before; she is 45, and has just passed the 20-year mark in her second M (she D her first H after several years of trying to deal with his constant cheating on her). Her current H is 15 years older than she is, and is a nice enough person, but for the last 4 years she has been in love with this other man (divorced, bisexual, and same age as her H), AND she's clearly been in MLC, which even she recognizes. OM put the brakes on--told her he had no intention of ever developing a serious R with her (or anyone) once she told him she was leaving her H for him--and has continued to give her the cold shoulder ever since, so she went slinking back to her H, and they are trying to rebuild their M, even though she is openly still in love with OM. She is also very religious, which I think is incompatible with the attachment she developed to OM, but what could I say? You know how well MLCers listen... It's been hard to talk to her for the last couple of years, because she talks a LOT, and she couldn't talk about anything other than OM for more than about 2 minutes (I kid you not). She does seem to be improving a lot now, in the last few months...she still can't have an entire conversation without mentioning OM, but at least she doesn't spend more than 5 minutes talking about him, usually. This is a vast improvement, and I'm feeling that she is losing that total self-absorption now, which makes her much more fun to talk to.

So, that's the background. Now...Lynn and her H were just in a marriage seminar last weekend, and today when I talked to her she told me that the entire weekend of the seminar, she and her H kept looking at each other and saying, "I really wish Dawn and H could be here to hear this." So, she said she knew about all the M counseling and programs and seminars and stuff we had been through, but she thought it might be time for a friend who loved both of us to sit down and see if it was possible to help us communicate. She talked about how each of us had said to her, repeatedly, things about each other along the lines of, "I just can't talk to him/her...if I try, he/she doesn't understand what I'm saying." I think that's more H's line, since I haven't tried to talk to him about OR in over 18 months, although when he brings it up, I listen and do my best to deal with his questions. Anyway, we're clearly not winning any communication prizes. So...she wants to sit down with both of us and mediate--help us communicate. I asked what H said about the prospect, and she said she wouldn't tell me until she got my response. She told me that she understands that I believe I am married to H for life, no matter what, but that is causing me to think I have an infinite amount of time to allow this situation to resolve, and in actuality, time is running out. I told her that there were things I wasn't comfortable talking to H about right now, but I was willing to participate in what she suggested...but I didn't think he would be so keen on it. Then she told me that H said he would "think about it." I was laughing to myself about that, because I figured he wouldn't want to turn her down flat (he is a pleaser type), but he wouldn't be eager to do the useless conversational dance with me again, especially with an audience. So I just said it was up to him, and left it at that. I am considering, though, since she has yammered some about "closure," telling her that I am willing as long as she approaches it with the goal of restoration of a fulfilling and loving M, not just "ending it as peacefully as possible." I'm not sure H will agree to her offer regardless, but I know what my end goal is.

Soooo...what do you all think about that?

I am still struggling tremendously with forgiveness. I KNOW how important it is--no need to tell me--but I don't know how to get there! I know several people have said that it can take a few years...well, it's been going on 2 years since the really horrible part of this began, and I'm not there (at the point of being able to forgive, that is), nor have I made any noteworthy progress in that arena lately. I feel really stuck there, even though I pray about it all the time. H said in our last conversation that he "doesn't know if he can forgive [me] for everything," which I thought was sort of ironic, considering the relative magnitude of our respective lists of sins, although I'm not claiming I didn't screw up.

Tomorrow is the 17th anniversary of our wedding day. I have been advised not to think about it, but I do sometimes. I feel sad, but not overwhelmed.

I have more to say, but have to get on with some things. I hope y'all will give me lots of feedback on this.

Peace,
Dawn