Hey everybody. It has been months since I have even visited this site. I think it has been good for my detaching and I have actually been doing pretty well, but I have found myself needing to come back here and journal/vent and get support.
First off, my 34 year old brother passed away in his sleep on April 25th. This has been the most painful thing I have ever felt. We don't know what happened. He was the healthiest person I know, and it was a complete shock. We were extremely close and I am having a hard time functioning in daily life. I have returned to work but I can't seem to do anything.
XH came to the visitation. I hadn't seen him since last September. He was very close to my brother. He came in at the very end because he had to work. We were actually about to leave and my mom went in and asked if he could go in. XH and I went in together. We both just broke down and held each other. It was just so comforting being with him. All the emotions have been stirred up again. I am finding myself clinging to the way things were. I think I want to be with him now moreso than ever because he knew my brother, he knew how it was. It is just a weird feeling because I honestly haven't given him a second thought in months.
Here is the weird part. He is still dating OW#2...her brother died 4 days before mine. I have so many emotions, but one is anger that he is there for her and not for me. I was with him 8 years and he has known this girl less than a year and he has made no contact to see how I am since that night. Maybe that is selfish and wrong of me to feel, but I can't help it.
I have also reached out to him only to be ignored. I found something shocking while going through my brother's things. I needed to talk to someone about it and he is the only person that I would feel comfortable discussing it with. I have asked him if I could just talk about this with him and he has ignored me. I would think he could at least email and tell me he didn't want to talk about it, but he hasn't even done that.
I don't know, maybe I am just mad at the situation and directing it towards him. I know I should have no expectations with him, but I guess I am just amazed that he hasn't responded to my requests. I don't know how I am going to get through this without him. I have learned to get through day to day life without him.....but a tragedy is a different story. I NEED him.
