Eclipse...

[Jimbo]

Hey Jimbo, sorry to get serious on you here with all this joking around and all, but I am just getting caught up.

This whole thing that we are doing here, it is cyclical. You will go though several periods of self awareness and evaluation. Several bouts of self doubt. Several bouts of anger. Several bouts of upswings where you actually feel ok.

It is ok and normal to have feelings of less than stellar self esteem. It is normal to wonder what is wrong with YOU. It is good to step away and evaluate and formulate plans for moving forward.

The important thing is that you accept these cycles, learn to make them productive, and continue moving forward.

The bottom line my friend is that someone that we trusted with everything we had not only pushed us aside, but also took the time to sling a bag of rocks at our balls while we were lying there helpless.

There are not a lot of men who can take that abuse and come through without emotional damage. This is painful and odds are the worst thing you have been through in your life. The secret is to embrace what has occurred, recognize that because of the pain that you have endured and the hell that you are going through, you are going to be a stronger person with incredible understanding and compassion when the insanity ends.

I have said this over and over again and I am going to reiterate it to you in particular. Our spouses DO NOT define the person that we are. Our spouses DO NOT define the character and moral fortitude that we possess. Our spouses DO NOT control our future and what type of life we choose to lead. You DO control your own destiny. You do get to define your own morals and character. You DO get to look back later and be proud of yourself because YOU stood your ground and YOU did the work to change.

Self confidence, self esteem, and self preservation are 3 things that we get to be in control of. Generally speaking we struggle with these issues not because of things that we have done or said, but because of things that others who we have allowed to have some control in our lives have said or done.

Standing up is as simple as putting both feet on the ground and pushing upward...plain and simple dude.


Ian

Hi Ian,

Dude, I wanted to thank you, personally, for your past words of wisdom and for the validation you have just now given me.

If there's anything I've learned from my journey, it's that it definitely IS cyclical. I am learning to ride the waves of those cycles without wiping out, and I think I'm doing ok in that department. (But again, even THAT is cyclical. ) I still hold the fear that I'll be hit by another tsunami that is as big as the very first one (the bomb) or even bigger, but I am hoping I will have become a much more skilled surfer on this sea of turmoil should that day come.

I don't know how far back in my threads you have read, but I have gone through this sort of thing once before- with the only woman (girl, really) I had ever had a serious R with before getting M. And my R with her was right before the R with my W! Talk about feeling like you're jinxed! But this comes right back to what you're saying. They lie. They cheat. We're taught by the DB board to believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. Yet with all of this they have told the truth in at least one thing- when they say, "This is not about you...it's about me". I had SUCH a hard time with hearing that! It reminded me of how every single relationship I ever had with a girl/woman ended. I always got the line, "This is not about you...it's about me". Then they magically seemed to heal all their problems with themselves and find another boyfriend so quickly afterwards! Every guy knows that when you've been through that enough times, you learn to interpret "This is not about you...it's about me" as "You really don't do it for me anymore, but I don't have the guts to tell you, so I'll just blame it on me so you'll go away".

But, you see, that was part of MY problem. I interpreted what my W was trying to say through MY experiences, instead of hearing what she was actually trying to say:

This is not about you...it's about me.

And it really is. She needs to get her world straightened out. Her feelings, her emotions, her wants, needs, and desires. She needs to work on her.

And I don't have anything to do with it. At all. None of us LBSs do.

The sooner we ALL realize this, the better off we are, because it means that we didn't make this happen. This is all about them. This would've happened whether we were in their lives or not. When we finally do get past the pain enough to recognize this, then we open ourselves up to so many more realizations. We didn't make it happen, so we are still valid as people. We are not "bad" spouses or partners. Sure, we could've been better in one department or another- could've been less of a slob, more considerate, cooperative, helpful around the house, thrifty, brave, reverent, yada yada yada! IT WOULD NOT HAVE KEPT THEM FROM GOING THROUGH THIS BECAUSE WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH IS NOT ABOUT US- IT IS ABOUT THEM!!!!

When you finally get this through your head, you recognize your own self-worth. You are still a worthwhile person. Still loveable. And still very much YOU. No one has taken anything away from who YOU are. Don't like that person? Change it! Explore. Grow. Try new things. New places. Be the best you that you can be.

Then one day...IT happens. You wake up, look back on everything that you have accomplished on this wild, hellacious rollercoaster, and you realize...

I am a person in my own right. I don't NEED my spouse.

That is not to say that you don't WANT them in your life- it is to say that you know that if they should choose to leave and never return, YOU WILL BE OKAY. And if they do leave and never return, maybe it is for the best. You are a different person now. A better person than you were before. And you will reap the benefits of a better life for you.

And if they do come back, that's icing on the cake.

My M may fail....

...but I will stand.


Thank you again, Ian.

-Jim