Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[Coach]

[quoteI thought it was odd about the ring. Any thoughts? Anybody? ] [/quote]

Observation - Do you see how much you are watching your W and looking for signs? I promise she is watching you more and having the same thoughts run thru her head about you. So stay consistent, patient, confident, and mysterious it's making a positive impact no matter the outcome.
Have you noticed since you have been DBing how much more in tune to people you are? All of your senses are tuned in and you are more alive. You see, hear, smell, taste and feel more intensely. Use this as a opportunity to grow and learn. You can handle it.
Cheers

[JKL2009]

Yeah, that is odd. Something is ticking in her mind. Is it because she got self-conscious of what others there would think seeing you sit apart and her with no ring?

[antlers]

Please tell me just what it entails to 'drop the rope'?

Imagine pulling with all your might on a rope tied to a elephant's leg that doesn't want to move. Tension on the rope, the elephant's getting torqued, and you are wasting all your energy and getting no results. The elephant just ain't moving. So why keep pulling on the rope?
The goal is to get the elephant to move. Release all the tension between you and the elephant. Catch your breathe and try something different. The elephant is not going to move just because you are trying with all your strength, want it to and would love it to. The elephant moves when it wants to. Drop the rope. Do something for yourself and see if the elephant gets interested enough to check it out. Be a elephant whisperer :D!
You do what is healthy and productive for you.
Here is a list to start on:

I so much want to be strong, secure, powerful, assertive, and ambitious again.

You can handle it.
Cheers

That's a great analogy Coach! Thanks.


I intend to do things that are healthy and productive for me...and I think it's a good list to work on too!

[antlers]

And how do you do that? Do you abandon hope? Do you start dating? Do you accept that it's truly over and just move on?

These are decisions you make for yourself. If you completely abandon hope, there's not a whole lot of point to hang out here, so I assume you're going to hang onto some hope. You can hope for something, but not be actively engaged in trying to make it happen. I hope the weather is nice on Memorial Day, but I can't do anything to make it so. Doesn't mean the hope is misplaced though.

As for dating, that's another decision you make for yourself, and it doesn't have to be black and white either. You can consider yourself still fully married, so dating the opposite sex is off limits. Or you can consider yourself married, but separated, so casual dating as friends is okay, just so you have a social life, and to help your self esteem. Or you can consider yourself single, and do whatever you want, knowing that you may be starting a series of events that could cause you to want to leave your hope and M behind.

If you accept that it's truly over and move on (like I just did), then again there's not a whole lot of reason to be here, except for general emotional support. If you're holding onto some hope, then it's not truly over for you. Moving on implies leaving your marriage behind and opening yourself up to the possibility of new things, back to the dating question.

I think when most people are DBing, they let go of their spouse, meaning they accept that their spouse is now living a life separate from them, but they still hold onto the marital bond, which means no dating, or at least no serious dating. They try to fill their life up with new things, a la GALing, that don't involve looking for another partner. They also work on themselves, trying to be the best they can be, with the goal being to attract their spouse back to them. I found that doing fun things in group settings was a great way to GAL and not be lonely without dating.

Coach gave me a great analogy and explanation about 'dropping the rope'. I'm gonna keep working on myself for sure. Can't really get my head around the thought of dating though.

[antlers]

I thought it was odd about the ring. Any thoughts? Anybody? ]

Coach wrote..."Observation - Do you see how much you are watching your W and looking for signs? I promise she is watching you more and having the same thoughts run thru her head about you. So stay consistent, patient, confident, and mysterious it's making a positive impact no matter the outcome.
Have you noticed since you have been DBing how much more in tune to people you are? All of your senses are tuned in and you are more alive. You see, hear, smell, taste and feel more intensely. Use this as a opportunity to grow and learn. You can handle it."
Cheers

Thanks for the positive strokes Coach!

I have learned so much since I've been DB'n. Wish I'd known this stuff earlier!

[antlers]

Yeah, that is odd. Something is ticking in her mind. Is it because she got self-conscious of what others there would think seeing you sit apart and her with no ring?

I don't know! Anybody else have any thoughts on this?

[futureunknown]

The ring thing could have been purely subconcious, but perhaps still meaningful. I agree with Coach 100%. Don't think she isn't noticing you and thinking about you. You don't marry someone, live with them for so long, have kids with them, etc, and not have them be an integral part of your thoughts. You can't just turn that off. In fact, the anger PROVES how much you are in her thoughts.

You're doing exactly the right thing Antlers. Leave her alone, stay dark, in whatever minimal interactions you do have, be nice, and be matter of fact. Not cold, just to the point. It will take a while for her to process through her anger, which she can do now that you're leaving her alone.

I don't know anything for sure of course, but I'll bet at some point, maybe within a month or two, your W will surprise you with a nice comment or pleasant interaction. When this happens, stay cool, respond with the same nice but matter of fact demeanor. Don't show her "Oh thank you thank you thank you!", by your response. You have more power in this and a bigger role than you think you do, but if she perceives that you're expressing that, her anger will come roaring back to protect her. You have to show her that you are no longer going to use your power in your R with her, that you've given it up, so her anger no longer needs to protect her.

You may be thinking "What power do I have?" Just imagine what her response would be if you were to go up to her crying and say "I miss you, please, please come back!" She would probably explode with anger. That anger is her power coming out to meet yours. She doesn't like what she felt she had to do. She's guilty. She's trying to avoid and suppress the guilt. She knows you have the power to throw it right in her face. That's your power she fears, and you need to show her you'll never use it, so she can let go of her anger. If she eventually does initiate a minor nice interaction with you, consider it a test. She'll be watching very carefully for your response.

[antlers]

The ring thing could have been purely subconcious, but perhaps still meaningful. I agree with Coach 100%. Don't think she isn't noticing you and thinking about you. You don't marry someone, live with them for so long, have kids with them, etc, and not have them be an integral part of your thoughts. You can't just turn that off. In fact, the anger PROVES how much you are in her thoughts.

You're doing exactly the right thing Antlers. Leave her alone, stay dark, in whatever minimal interactions you do have, be nice, and be matter of fact. Not cold, just to the point. It will take a while for her to process through her anger, which she can do now that you're leaving her alone.

I don't know anything for sure of course, but I'll bet at some point, maybe within a month or two, your W will surprise you with a nice comment or pleasant interaction. When this happens, stay cool, respond with the same nice but matter of fact demeanor. Don't show her "Oh thank you thank you thank you!", by your response. You have more power in this and a bigger role than you think you do, but if she perceives that you're expressing that, her anger will come roaring back to protect her. You have to show her that you are no longer going to use your power in your R with her, that you've given it up, so her anger no longer needs to protect her.

You may be thinking "What power do I have?" Just imagine what her response would be if you were to go up to her crying and say "I miss you, please, please come back!" She would probably explode with anger. That anger is her power coming out to meet yours. She doesn't like what she felt she had to do. She's guilty. She's trying to avoid and suppress the guilt. She knows you have the power to throw it right in her face. That's your power she fears, and you need to show her you'll never use it, so she can let go of her anger. If she eventually does initiate a minor nice interaction with you, consider it a test. She'll be watching very carefully for your response.

Hi futureunknown.

The ring thing made me wonder, but then again, it may be nothing. She may be thinking about me occasionally, but it's hard to imagine they're anything other than bad thoughts. She has seen my physical appearance change though. she does have a lot of anger...deservedly too!

Yeah, I think I'm doing the right thing too by leaving her alone. It provides me more space to detatch. Tuesday was son's graduation from elementary school, and I stood in a different part of the auditorium than her. I was dressed nice. She did see me. Afterwards, I took pictures and then told son I would be outside by the car (the kids were with me) and I left. I never made eye contact with her or spoke to her. If we do interact, I intend to be nice and concise. She has tons of anger to process.

We'll see...maybe...I don't know...hard to imagine right now. I feel pretty darn powerless as far as the relationship goes...but I have complete control over me and my thoughts, actions, and feelings (thanks Coach).

Regardless, I'm working right now on 'dropping the rope', and the analogy that Coach gave me put it in perspective for me. I still have hope and I'm not giving up. I've just decided to start living more than I have been. I'm going to do more things that are healthy and productive for me.

[ppenton]

Good for you, antlers, keep it up!

[antlers]

Good for you, antlers, keep it up!

Thanks. I intend to 'keep it up'!