It's MY life now!!!........

[sandycay]

Silent Chrleader would like for me to post this for her because she's at work and can't:



Well, I am forever amazed at how many emotions I can go through in one day……even just a couple hours. Let me see if I can put things in a nutshell……

1. Spoke back and forth with bankruptcy and divorce lawyers yesterday. Trying to decide what I need to do an when and how…..Got lots of differing answers. Lots of conflicting interests between whats best in divorce and best in bankruptcy.

2. Was all ready to file for D in order to get “maintenance” to make sure H doesn’t up and stop paying mortgage, or start selling/mortgaging/hiding assets……called H to inform I was filing, but then my lawyer beeped through….

3. She had me call the bankruptcy lawyer back, and in that convo found that if we secured “maintenance” now, which is taxable income, that would mess up the bankruptcy for both me and H. BR lawyer basically said that if H and I can work together, we both can file and H can save dream house, but would have a BIG mortgage on it, but that would be good for him because that would get his “liabilities” up high enough for him to get better consideration in the bankruptcy. I, on the other hand, could walk away debt free and with a chunk of money in my pocket to use to put down on a condo for only me (low maintenance, etc.) This BR lawyer said he would only work with H and I if we could agree to the same terms and work together. Otherwise, he won’t work for either of us.

4. My D lawyer then tells me that on strategy I can use is to use another BR lawyer, and file BR first and use exemptions that are not as favorable to “real property”, which may “lock” H in to using that same criteria, thus him not likely having enough exemption leeway to keep the dream house and thus force him to sell it. She said I could call yet another BR lawyer she knows and file BR before H.

5. At that point H was still waiting for a call back from me (see #2 above) so I called him back to tell him I was getting conflicting info and was now going to put the filing on hold for a bit and think………..then we started really talking. Some may think it’s a mistake on my part and I guess only time will tell, but I am a very honest person and my honor and integrity are important to me. I don’t want to play the head games (but nor do I want to shoot myself in the foot). In the end, I went with my gut and was completely open and honest………and in return, I felt like I actually got at least a little response from the man who once actually cared for me. He said that he truly in no way wanted to hurt me any more.

6. I told him again how his taking OW into the dream house was excruciatingly painful to me, and asked him to please, for me, the woman who loved him for 28 years and never ever knowingly did anything to hurt him and never would, to please sell the dream place. He said he would give it some real and serious thought.

7. I then asked H “If he loved her”. He promptly, quietly and calmly said “No.” He then said “To tell you the truth, I don’t even think about that.” I was amazed, not by the answer, but by the fact that he answered at all. He usually just clams up and says “I’m not discussing that” or ignores the fact that I even spoke. So, I thanked him for answering and told him that I often felt he didn’t even consider me worth his notice when he refused to talk. He said he did not mean to make me feel that way.

8. I ended up telling him the whole truth about what the BR lawyer said, and how we could come out better financially if we worked together on the BR. I then (quite spontaneously) said that I would really be more comfortable with doing that (him getting the dream property and me money for a new place of my own) if I felt that he/we did our M the respect/justice it deserved. I asked him if he remembered his promise to “get back together in C as our best selves and talking openly and honestly about what happened to break down our M, what we wanted out of life and M, etc. I told him that today my Mom says that if she was with my Dad the same way she is with my step-dad, they would never have divorced (she left my Dad after 30 years of marriage without a backward glance). I think that’s so sad and I don’t want to look like that feel the same. I told H that that is the one thing that I have a very tough time getting beyond is this lack of honor and honesty and respect in even having a dialogue about what we want/need to even see if there is a remote chance we actually want the same things or (more likely) to have some understanding, and closure with dignity and respect. I told him I did not want to hate him for the rest of my life, and I didn’t want my fond memories of him to be so painful!

9. H then asked me if he could take some time to think about all this, and said that before he got into any C sessions together, he would want one or two sessions of IC for himself again first. I told that was fine and that actually I needed to do the same, because it was long and hard for me to get to a place where I was ready to be “done” and let go, and this was not a “planned” request, it was completely spontaneous and I need to think on whether I really need/want to open myself up to that too.

10. H then told me that he thought I should just take the next week to relax, let it all go, not think about it and re-group. He promised absolutely that he would not file for anything, or do anything else that would impact me between now and then. I told him I would do just that and that wouldn’t file either. (My mom thinks I’m nuts and he’s “just playing me”…….and many of you may think that too……)

11. We then talked about S18 and the fact that he hasn’t been in contact with either of us and we are concerned, but agree on maintaining our expectations of him.



So, that’s where I’m at………I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to open myself up for more hurt. I want to do the right and honorable thing and not be vindictive……….I was ready for it to be done, and that was so hard to get to, so is this a step back???

So much to think about……..

I want to really thank you all so much for all your support and help all along this journey with me. I do think that I am going to curtail posting so much to this board in the future. I have used this as a journal, and stopped writing in my RL journal, but I think I need to pick that up again. I know my D24 checks up on me here, and I don’t think she needs to know what (if anything) happens in her Dad’s and my sitch……..and this is really something I think I need to do on my own……..



Of course I will still post, and keep tabs on all of you!!!!! But, I just wanted to let you know of this so you don’t worry or think I have “dropped you all”. I hope you understand…….