good for you. its always nice to see them noticing u moving on.
i hear u with wanting a happy and stress free life.
half of me feels the burden lifted when i let go and then it sinks in and i dont want to go through this.
but maybe u are right, we need to detach.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Hope everyone had a wonderful Memorial weekend. I absolutely enjoyed mine. Spent the weekend galing galing galing upstate NY with my girlfriend and her daughter. We had a good time, did tons of stuff.. exercised, shopped, boatride on the lake, and walked, dinners. What fun.
So update on... since we exchanged text messages on Saturday he called and left a message saying that he needs to get his bank card that was mailed to him. I didn't repond since I'm taking my break. He called my mother and she told him I was out of town. Must have shocked him. And then this morning he called. I didn't answer at first and then I called back. I had prepared what I was going to say. I called back and asked have you moved, he said no. I hanged up. He call back, I didn't answer. Then I called back and said I am reclaiming my proper title wife or nothing. He said listen he just wants to get the keys to fix our van. I asked again have you moved. He said no I haven't so I hanged up the phone again. And that was it. We really have nothing to talk about.
So need some info. I know I need to take some legal steps to get H to own his debt and to make a formal legal agreement. I can't affford to get a D right now and quick frankly I don't want to get a D, but I want to make a statement that H cannot just walk away from his legal obligations and pay when he feels like. Are there any other legal options other than D? Can I talk him to court and not D court so have a judge make him aware of his obligations? Thoughts and ideas please.
a lawyer can make a motion for spousal support in the family court.
u do not need a divorce or separation to receive this.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Ok, there's a reason I'm on this thread at 5 in the morning. Need some advice before I proceed... woke up and decided that I want to give H a deadline to move out from OW by the end of June. I don't know if deadlines are against DB (adding the pressure), but I'm thinking its my next best course to put this sitch into its proper order. I'm thinking that the deadline is really not my deadline, it is calling H on his crap and having him stick to his word. What do you think?
So some back, H has been saying that he is working on things and will be moving out to go back to his parents house. He's told everyone this - me, my mother, his parents. The other day he told me that he talked to his father and told him that we have been planning this and he will be moving back there to work on the marriage. H says he wants me back and he wants to put things back together again. But we agreed that we have a lot we need to fix and he needs to be sure of what he's doing so we don't want him comign straight back home. All this being words and not actions because H has not mvoed out as yet.
Then, some update, I really suck at this hold DB thing because I am not consistent. I cam back home on Thurs after travelling for work and I actually called H, which I was extremely nervous and unsure about and asked him to buy me some dinner. H was shocked and confused wanting to know how come I called him. Although I don't do other DB techniques well, I've been good at showing H that I don't need him. Actually my mother and sister feel that that's one of our problems that I'm too independent and makes H feels like he's not needed. So anyway, H came over and we ate and chatted and had a good evening. H actually ended up sleeping at home after all these months. He talked about how he misses his home, he shouldn't have left, and that he wants us to go back to where we were. He even talked about how he's been thinking that like if he has a function at work or something that he would have to go alone because he wouldn't take OW there. Dah, no man takes a street-girl and tries to make her wife, but I didn't say that. I was even able to ask H to have us pray and he prayed and asked God to put things back right and I prayed and aske that he helps us mainly me to remember that a little boy is also involved and that we do right by him. I even said to H that I'm going to try to believe him and that he better not make a fool out of me.
So, since H slept home, OW was on fire. I guess she is feeling that she is losing H because since from Wed night I started back getting private calls with no answer and so I knew it must be here. I wasn't even in the city and had not talked to H at all. The second time she called me the Wed nite I answered and said in a real happy voice, please stop calling me, I'm in a happy place in my life, thank you and gooooodbyeeee. She didn't call back. Then on Thurs when H was here. Private calls again, so I knew it was here. First two calls I answered, then at like 1:50am the phone woke us up and I answered and said H the phone, since he was tired and confused he took it and said hello. No answer so he said what you give the phone to me for. I know he was a bit pissed off but I loved it. Then I turned the volume off the phone, when I woke up 13 additional missed calls throughout the night - she did not sleep. She even texted me saying I don't know what my husband is doing, he's a dog, there a secret about him that I'm going to find out soon. Yes, it put me on alarm and made me nervous and wondering what the hell is it now. I showed H the text and he said he doesn't know what she's talking about. Then I figure, what the heck, any secret just leave it up to God. There is tons that I already don't know and none of it will pay my bills or make me any better.
Anyway, bottom line, I need H to stick to his word. He's been saying that he's moving so I think I need to give him a deadline. I feel I have to call him on his word. H suffers from not keeping his word quite often. I think I want to let him know that he said he would, he has 30 days to figure it all out, and that will show me whether he really wants to begin mending this M.
Please let me know if you think the deadline is good or bad. I need to hear from you guys before I proceed. Thanks
oh vicky, we have been in such similar positions and similar locations!
i basically had the same thing with him bouncing back and forth and her calling....dont u love the private calls? lol
deadline. i just dont know. i thought about it too.
the truth is, until they are absolutely forced to make a decision, they dont. they will go back and forth.
and me? i know me. i know i would give the deadline and it would come and go. and i would get angry, say im done.
and then a few days later, i soften. and would still want him back.
is that you too? because if it is, u cant do it.
if he didnt come home on the 30th day, are u ready to proceed and not look back?
or maybe when u proceed, he would u are serious and would come back.
we dont know.
but are u really really really ready to make it officially over, because u gave the deadline?
i know i wasnt, so i couldnt it.
i kept trying to, and he would suck me back in to avoid those deadlines.
something is up with the mistress, she is feeling threatened, he is lying to her. and you.
but u know that. we both know that.
so addressing your question - is deadline good or bad? it depends on if u are truly finished.
and i dont think u are.
they say deadlines dont usually work. at this point in your story, it is absolutely fair of you to say it to him, but since i dont think u are done and i dont think he will take it seriously, maybe there is something else you can do?
i have to think about it.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Ok, there's a reason I'm on this thread at 5 in the morning. Need some advice before I proceed... woke up and decided that I want to give H a deadline to move out from OW by the end of June. I don't know if deadlines are against DB (adding the pressure), but I'm thinking its my next best course to put this sitch into its proper order. I'm thinking that the deadline is really not my deadline, it is calling H on his crap and having him stick to his word. What do you think?
Hi Vicky,
I don't like communicated deadlines. The problem with them is, if you give a wayward spouse a deadline of June 30th, you will invariably see NO movement on your sitch until June 29th, at which point they will promise you the moon and the stars to get you to back away from the cliff on them. You basically give them "permission" to do as they please until one day before your deadline, kwim? It's like giving terrorists a withdrawal date -- they'll just wait you out.
Now, I DO think it's healthy to give YOURSELF a deadline, and even to let your wayward spouse know that you HAVE one -- but it should be a vague "I won't wait forever" and not communicated to them.
H and I had agreed that he will not come straight home and frankly I don't want him to come straight home because OW's nutty behavior the other night is what I would have to deal with. And what crap would it be if he leaves me goes to her comes back to me straight. In the same manner he could leave again. No, I don't want him straight back home. And we have a lot we need to put in order. But he said that he is moving to his parents, infact he said that he's going to do it soon, that "something's gotta give." And he even said that he thinks 2 months of looking for a place for ow is enough time adn that was early this month. I want to hold him to his word. H usually accuses me of trying to control everything in our R so my approach was to have a soft but serious talk and remind him of all that he has said, reminding him of keeping his word - something that I'm always pushing, and letting him know that based on his word, the end of June of him moving back to his parents sound right. He says he really wants me to trust him this time that he is trying to take care of things, so I need a timeframe as solid proof. I've even been insisting enough to H that his words mean nothing so I'm asking him for proof. And he said he doesn't want me to wait too long. So it seems to me that a deadline/a timeframe is putting all his words to fruition.
I hate giving a deadline as well. I really wanted H to just do this on his own. I really do. But based on our history, he rarely just doesn't do things on his own until I have made it a requirement, eg. us getting married, buying the house, him moving out from OW the first time he left, his job, etc. Believe me, H takes a long time to do things and make decisions, even without me. But I wonder if I don't make him moving a strong requirement with a timeframe if he won't. He will feel like he has all the time in the world.
Also I was thinking to frame it in the sense of since H and I are landlords and we have recently given a tenant 30 day notice and H think it is enough time for him to find a place. I think by the end of this coming month should be enough. He said since the beginning of May that he was looking for a place for OW since he doesn't want to leave his son staying where they are. So tick tock....
