That is sooo great 62906, I am happy you have made a breakthrough. Remember to not stop the self improvements, do not fall back, do not fail her.
Also, there may be some backslides on her part that will send you all on a dip on the rollercoaster, just keep doing the great job you are doing and you can ride it through. The relatonship is kinda like the stock market, it has ups and downs but you have to see the general direction to see the big picture.
Burt...thanks for the support. I wish I could help others on this board. There were definitely some keys to the turnaround. And they were directly related to discussions on this board and the DR book. We are working on the big issue of TRUST and how to rebuild it. It is starting to build but we will be working on that for a while with the MC.
The biggest things I learned were ...NEVER GIVE UP, Stop the relationship conversations ASAP, work on yourself for what you want, be happy or at least fake happy when you can't be, which goes hand and hand with being pleasant and calm and remember you are not alone in this...there is your family and most of all God.
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
I think you've got it, Hey don't be a stranger, I am no where close to some of the people that help others here on the board, but I wanted to be around to help others that helped me, by just letting them know that it does work, because when I was going through all of the bad times, I was desperately looking for people that had made it and they were hard to find, because they generally ride off into the sunset. So I know you can give some people some hope that desperately need it. GOod for you!
Burt...Thanks. I wont be a stranger. I think the more I learn from what my wife is saying to me the more I might be able to help someone. I am by no means a wise man...just a man. I guess our relationship coming back together is a "score one for the team" thing. I can help people understand that it is possible to come back from the edge.
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
I will hopefully post in a few weeks time. I am still feeling a little worried about the backslides she is taking right now. We just had a backslide.
W did the same old same old...deny deny deny, come clean after I push. Today was a break in this cycle however. W said she is feeling like she is sabotaging things every time they get better. I think she is dead on. I hope she does take the initiative to seek help outside of our MC sessions.
Her back slides erase days or even a week of good things. Things can be going fantastic and then ...wham...she does something stupid with email or whatever to OM. I guess this sitch has occurred (her emailing OM). My guess is based on her mood swings, or how she acts towards me either verbally, emotionally or physically. She said the guilt then eats at her and she turns cold or mean .
The trust goes out the window yet again and we start all over at ground zero for trust. This cycle takes it's toll on me emotionally and physically by draining me of energy and sucking the "I'm finally feeling good about the situation" right out of me.
I think it is very much like an alcoholic falling off the wagon...it is easy for them to fall off but it seems to get harder each time to get back on. It is not easy and I knew that going into this process. Good Lord help anyone who has to go through this on a daily basis.
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
You are right. I have to keep the big goal in mind. It is hard to keep having this person enter into our lives. It prevents things from moving forward and is a constant irritation for me.
The relapses cause her pain as well. W says she "feels sick that she did what she did". The lapses are usually emails or text messages to OM.
W asked for me to please check her cell phone, facebook and all her email accounts. She gave me the passwords. W said that would help her. W said the thought that at any time I can see what she has sent would help keep her honest and begin to build our trust together again. I said I did not want to have them but she is still insisting. I have not taken them yet. What are anyone's thoughts on this?
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
TAKE THEM, and take her up on this. She's asking for your help with a transparency plan; why would you not help her with this request?
Also, if she hasn't already done so, she needs to send OM a "no-contact" letter. Content of which to be approved by YOU, and it's to be delivered or mailed by you as well (so that nothing is added).
Thanks. I did not think of it that way. I thought of it as controlling her. The OM is married and according to W is scared of what would happen to his marriage if his W found out. He does not want to lose what he has.
I will talk to her this evening and propose the exchange of passwords etc as well as how we put the do not disturb sign up
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
