Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

And how do you do that? Do you abandon hope? Do you start dating? Do you accept that it's truly over and just move on?

These are decisions you make for yourself. If you completely abandon hope, there's not a whole lot of point to hang out here, so I assume you're going to hang onto some hope. You can hope for something, but not be actively engaged in trying to make it happen. I hope the weather is nice on Memorial Day, but I can't do anything to make it so. Doesn't mean the hope is misplaced though.

As for dating, that's another decision you make for yourself, and it doesn't have to be black and white either. You can consider yourself still fully married, so dating the opposite sex is off limits. Or you can consider yourself married, but separated, so casual dating as friends is okay, just so you have a social life, and to help your self esteem. Or you can consider yourself single, and do whatever you want, knowing that you may be starting a series of events that could cause you to want to leave your hope and M behind.

If you accept that it's truly over and move on (like I just did), then again there's not a whole lot of reason to be here, except for general emotional support. If you're holding onto some hope, then it's not truly over for you. Moving on implies leaving your marriage behind and opening yourself up to the possibility of new things, back to the dating question.

I think when most people are DBing, they let go of their spouse, meaning they accept that their spouse is now living a life separate from them, but they still hold onto the marital bond, which means no dating, or at least no serious dating. They try to fill their life up with new things, a la GALing, that don't involve looking for another partner. They also work on themselves, trying to be the best they can be, with the goal being to attract their spouse back to them. I found that doing fun things in group settings was a great way to GAL and not be lonely without dating.

Coach gave me a great analogy and explanation about 'dropping the rope'. I'm gonna keep working on myself for sure. Can't really get my head around the thought of dating though.