Your so right, trapt; I do think I have reached a point now, where I have pretty much worked out why he did what he did and what was pretty much in his mind at the time - which is pretty useless really by the time you get there, bc it makes no difference, we only fool ourselves understanding would make a difference - no it doesnt.
trapt one of my problems here is KNOWING YOUR RIGHT. I dont NEED to have to deal with his issues now, after I am finally getting ok. I am NOT HAPPY and i dont think I will be for a long time yet but im not UNHAPPY, I am in a neutralplace and its very nice. I like it here and I intend to enjoy my stay; I may never find love again but im fine with that, as long as the pain and agony are over with - small sacrifice!
the last thing I need right now is him saying "i was mental forgive me" and basically stuffing me up in the head when I am finally getting to a nice place of peacefulness. I resent the very idea and am already retaliating in my mind to ensure I issue the hugest rebuff I can so i dont have to deal with him. but thats not nice, and nor is it fair, and certainly I will fail GOD.
i guess my real angst is, here I am finally facing the fact I might get exactly what I wanted for so long and i might just be as nasty as I can and as obnoxious as possible to avoid it and scare him right off. Why should I DEAL with him. hes put me thru enough.
that however is neither fair to my children, nor what my heart tells me would help. im sick of being the good guy! I wish I could just be the bad one for ONCE. im sick of HIM! im finding it hard not resent the very idea of his daring to contact me, considering its what i would have prayed for so long, now I cant stand the idea of listening to his CRAP and dealing with his ANGST. I DONT CARE
is it wrong to really just .... BLOW HIM OFF, considering. i guess thats what im asking, morally.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
