My guess is he is now sober and that leaves him with alot of emotion, frustration, and decisions he could just drink away before. Now he has to deal with it and its probably not fun. The rest of us do it unassisted by a bottle but that has been his crutch for so long.
WOW you don't need my help anymore you hit the nail on the head.
He has NO IDEA what to do with the emotions BUT the good thing is he isn't resorting to drinking to wash them away. He knows he has to deal and he's scared, so it's easier to push EVERYTHING on you.
Quote:
I reminded him that the future was mostly up to him - that he either figures out how to spend time with me or not.
PERFECT ANSWER...Good for you.
Here's the things he has YEARS of emotions to deal with all at once and it's hard VERY hard. It's hard to explain but once you stop using emotions come hard and fast the A has no idea what to do with them. I can't tell you how many times I would just bread down crying at certain COMMERCIALS really commercials, how sad is that. I would bet your H is the same way, maybe not with commercials but I think you get the point :).
Once again I think you are dealing with him great and healthy for both of you.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I have been reading other posts in this section and a few questions come to mind... like what is the point of a S?
What are we supposed to be doing during this time that helps the M?
My goals were to:
1) Set up new boundaries - no drinking, no more threats, become a family unit, show respect to me and my children, more acceptable behavior.
2) Change communication - no more arguing, no verbal abuse, no threats to leave, more talking things through, agreeing to disagree, more listening
3) Increase problem solving - work things through instead of arguing, fighting, and keeping things the same - change
4) Increase tolerance and respect for others me, my kids, myexh, friends
5) Show concerns for others, others' opinions,
6) Help out, share responsibilities around the house, for the house, the bills, repairs, and plans.
7) Relax, have fun and enjoy our relationship no matter what the situation
What I have seen is:
1) No drinking
2) More listening, more talking things through - though it doesn't last.
3) Slightly more respect - he can verbalize the right words, and concepts and reverses what he says with his behavior. i.e., he tells me it is ok to decide that he can move in or not soon - won't change how he feels or our R, is warm and loving and giving, then hears my decision and becomes cool and distant and withholding.
4) Slightly more tolerant - asks to be part of things but then balks about it when it comes to the doing part
5) Slightly more communication - less arguing - now he starts to argue, stops says he isn't doing this, walks away or hangs up comes back later to explain his position and doesn't want to hear mine - sometimes.
6) Slight improvement on the threats - instead of asking for a D when he doesn't get his own way - he just says that he can't handle our R right now or withdraws from me.
What isn't happening is:
1) No sharing of responsibilities, he doesn't help me out at all "we" purchased a car for me which he has not made any payments or helped with maintenance on it since he left - we drive separately into work and home everyday, I am left to fix everything in the home and yard - "we" had a family phone plan which he left and has not paid on since the S, the tv brok and he wants "us" to get a new one but won't help to purchase if he isn't living with me - yet he has a working tv that he doesn't use ever (it is in the closet)but won't let me use it.
2) Still pressures me to change my mind on decisions he doesn't like - distances himself, doesn't take no for an answer.
3) Has not shown for family things when invited and gets pissed off when I do things without him - ie, D's final school concerts and formal and who knows what will happen with graduation.
Is there hope? Can I do anything differently? Am I expecting too much - too soon? Or is he just too far gone?
I have tried:
Doing things his way - never turns out right - no one is happy
Insisting on my way - things turn out right but he is unhappy
Compromising on most things - he says he will but doesn't and gets angry when it isn't his way -
I have stopped communication - he keeps at it
I have tried listening and understanding - he loves to tell what I should be thinking and doing, has little tolerance for listening to what I want.
I have tried planning fun things to do - he ruins it with R talk or refuses to participate.
My concern - this is a fairly new M and it is has been unsuccessful to this point - and while we are both trying hard to salvage - can it work?
Just got a phone call - answered prayer! H's apt sent him a letter asking about renewal of his lease and guess what? They mentioned an offer to have a month to month lease now - H swears they told him it wasn't possible when he moved in - so we agreed to go for the month to month and catch a break for a change.
I see you compromising alot in your above list. I see your H trying to compromise, getting frustrated and then retreating in anger. That would need to stop.
The D threats used to infuriate me so much. Everytime we had a fight he would throw that out. I am glad he isn't doing that.
I just don't understand if the M is the most important thing why are these WS sticking thier flags in the sand? Successful marriages don't do that.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Didn't know you had started a new thread either!. My bad...again :P
That's great news about the apt. That may just be the little thing that helps you two to move forward. The less 'external' pressure, the better.
I'll keep following you and if I feel I have anything useful to say, I will. Seems like you have a great 'assistant' in volleydog, there's no one better than someone who's been there to give advice.
Oh an Volley, gratz on your progress...you have made a fantastic start to the rest of your life!
Had another good day - H is getting more honest about his problem with me and seems more comfortable with me, the kids, the house, and life in general.
1) Honesty 2) Communication -consistent give and take, increased awareness others' and acceptance of others' 3) Respect - consistent awareness of others' needs and helpful 4) Participation with family unit, showing more value in family unit and my needs. 5) Increased patience and tolerance 6) Decreasing defensiveness and increasing openness
