thanks... that was nice. I hope I can one day, meet someone who is in my sitch or was, and can relate to me. I feel very alone and isolated and very unusual, most of the time. Mostly the shame stems from the abandonment of the kids. wow, its so bad, and it feels so horrible, and he blamed me, and id be lying if part of me didnt question it. maybe it was me. maybe i was that bad, maybe, he did feel he had no choice. but deep down I know he lied and lied and lied, to make it spin his way so he looked good about the abandonment. he tells people crap, that its my fault he cant be around them or speak to them, but I do have PROOF of that lie (and my kids know personally, its a lie.) ie he was very upfront from the beginning he had no intentions of seeing or speaking with his kids... RIGHT from the beginning. he denies this but they remember it... once I confronted him on it, in the one phone call i made to him when i found out where he was overseas, and he claimed "to not remember", but I know he does. he kind of claims insanity, I think, for the things he did. good luck with that...
i am just craving some kind of understanding and empathy, some people who went thru this, have suffered it, bc your right its worse than death - death has a dignity, this doesnt. theres nothing but INDIGNITY in it. and deeeeep down you feel, I am so unworthy, sooo useless, to be this abandoned. i still battle that all the time.
if you had asked me, in the past, about these things, I would have told you I could envision a affair, I could envision a divorce, but I would have laughed at you if you'd told me, he will abandon your kids. I would have said no, he loves his kids. and part of me knows, deep down, he abandoned them bc they had too much of me, in them.
When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.
