Actually, yes, I am proud to say, I divorced him myself, last year. Also, i got my kids into my maiden name in the courts; on top of that, I am seeking catholic annulment.

I of course love the stupid man, but I AM OVER him. I am very aware that I love the man of the past... not the man of today. thats why I am TERRIFIED. who knows how I would respond??? not ME. do you have any idea how it feels... to really NOT KNOW how you would respond? when you spend years imagining it, then realise that now... you dont actually KNOW... its frightening, mentally. and no one really beleives it.

I am very personally religious (I do not attend church, but I pray alot) and i feel I have everything I need, to know, this person is different, not who I knew, and so abnormally strange and changed, that GOD has prevented his returning to my life for a very good reason: to protect ME and my children.

But I also remember in the early days, in the darkest days and hours, the one answer I got was: you will get your revenge when you do not want it: and he will return to you when you dont want him back.

Through it all I forgot that mostly, but recently I have had setbacks mentally, flashbacks literally like post traumatic stress, and gotten SIEZED with the idea "what if that happens?" Once I wanted that very much. Now, I dread the thought. bc I am torn; on one part, I think forgiveness, for ME, is very important and a personal test; on the other hand, I daren't allow him to hurt me, or my children, ever again. I do not think a counsellor could help me bc I know how they work, and they'd simply try to get me to work it out myself, when ive had years to work it out and its not going to happen.

i do not want to be a fool but neither do I want to pass up an opportunity to heal, if it comes my way, but not at the cost of even more hurt to me or my kids. Due to all the lying and awfulness, the trust is gone and i absolutely beleive he is not above lying to me to get his own way, he is frightened to come back to this country as he owes a lot of child support and a lot of personal debt, but I also know, OW would love nothing BETTER than to settle out here. she'd be behind any lying; she always was. He cannot be trusted when it comes to her.

KAT I do not feel differently to you, i feel I have suffered enough, but what would you DO, if your ex really did ask you for forgiveness...? its not someting i can answer at this stage, but mostly i am just frightened overall of being frigged up even more than I have been already, bc its been a long hard road, and I DONT WANT his return IN ANY WAY. and something tells me now I feel this way its GOING TO HAPPEN. am I a pessimist??? maybe I am just waiting for a bomb bc I had so many already?

When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.