WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

Yes, I have a thought and comment.......typical DAM! (Dumb Ass Man)

So, by now you may be sorry you asked me to come by and look at your thread, but I have been painfully honest with you and if you never talk to me again.....I hope that I may have made you see a tiny bit of the wrong way you are going about this.....from the POV of a WAW. I was that woman. I know those moves! Please, if you want her back.....stop talking to her all the time. when you MUST talk with her.....keep it very short and sweet and stop the "over-kill". She has it too, but I haven't quite figured her out and will need to read more......for you.....you are the typical LBH. The very best move you can do is to open your ears and start listening to other WAW's or LBS's that learned too late their mistakes. Don't listen to people who have just came aboard and don't know their head from a hole in the ground and not doing any better than you are. And......I don't know that anyone like that has posted to you b/c I have not read the thread. It is fine for people to "reach out" to one another, but I'm just saying that folks that have "been there" are the ones that know the score and you need to listen, but most of all.......start DOING what you are advised.

I don't apologize for being plain spoken or using a 2x4 when a person has been on the board this long and is still doing the same mistakes that he would have been doing when he first arrived. I don't get it. Why do you insist on repeating them? Can you not honestly see what you are doing, or you think you can't stop yourself? I'm not trying to be a smart-a$$, I am honestly wanting to know. Is it the differnces in the sexes and not understanding? Even so, by now I would think you should be getting a better picture. Unless (and I pray that you aren't) one of those men who think they are always "right" and she is always in the wrong and you can't "hear" what others are trying to tell you.

Well, I will see how you take this and then go from there.

Sandi

Sandi,

I do appreciate the candor and bluntness of your thoughts. That has been my perpetual problem with my wife. I can never understand what she is really saying. She had even told me that she had made up her mind in Sept but wanted to sit on the decision for 2-3 months to make sure it "would sit right with her". She said that she tried to tell me 3 times between Sept and end of Dec and she saw each time I didn't get it. I still can't figure out what she said or when she said it. I got it though when she said that she saw a lawyer and signed divorce papers.

Anyway, I don't believe there is someone else, but I can not be 100% for sure. I do believe she has some well meaning girl friends that are telling her to do what makes her happy and that she shouldn't try just for the kids.

She has been doing a lot of illogical stuff. I think it all relates back to the heart of the problem is that she feels shortly after we got married, she went from being the most important person to me to thinking she fell off my radar. She has low self esteem, particularly relative to males, as her dad cheated on her mom when she was 7 and left with no/little contact for about 15 years. She would see her mom waiting and pursuing before finally filing for divorce when her dad wanted to marry someone else. But then again, I'm no therapist. My therapist was also our marriage counselor (not the one I fired).

My therapist says my wife is not a very clear communicator and has an unreasonable expectation of finding some fairy tale relationship where the guy can read her mind. The marriage counselor I fired said that he had no idea that she was that unhappy (I told him right after I got hit with the bomb). He said that he thought we were starting to do so much better about 6 months ago and "rounded the bend". We had seen him for an hour every week for almost a year.

I had done some backsliding over the past week relative to Dark/Dim. I had went Dark/Dim right after she moved out. I never initiated any contact (text/email/calls). She would send me sseveral things almost everyday. Some of it was tactical - what we had to do with the kids. Some were jokes. Some were just chit chat about how her day was going, how I was doing, etc. I would respond to the text/emails only when there was a clear question. And usually with a short yes or no. When she would call, I would always be the one to end the call by saying either it was getting late or there was a lot going on so I had to go.

After a week or so of that (about 3 weeks ago), my wife called me in tears saying that she was really confused as she thought I was being so mean and cold to her and asked if I had given up as well. She said that I made her feel like she didn't belong with me and the boys. That was after my 3 year old's baseball where we have gotten into a routine of meeting for dinner as a family in the park before the game. At that point, I had reminded her that she had left me and filed for divorce. I said that I didn't think that she wanted me to treat her the way I wanted to (like a wife) so I didn't know how she wanted me to treat her.

She told me that I should treat her the way I want to. If it's too much, she said she would tell me. She said that if I wanted her to spend time with me/us, I should invite her, not pressure/guilt her, but just invite her. She also said that if I wanted to call, just call. Etc.

I think the problem was that I went Dark/Dim when she moved out, but when we would do things together as a family, I would stay Dark/Dim and just focus on enjoying myself with the boys. So since the problem with our relationship we have is that she is hurt from being neglected and can't trust me with her heart anymore (her exact words), I resumed my 180 that I started before she moved. I would be warm, caring, attentive when we were together, but Dark/Dim all other times.

An interesting note is about 6-8 weeks before she moved out, she had even said how proud she was of me of how I changed and how I'm such a better, happier person now. She said that the problem is that she still feels hurt when she sees me and doesn't think that she would ever want me for a husband again (OUCH). She also then implied that she doesn't believe the changes are real and are just short term.

I started the touching thing again, because about two weeks ago, we went to a baseball game together where my 7 year old was throwing out the opening pitch of a minor league game. I had tried to have the boys sit between us (figure it would be a good buffer to make sure I behaved). She wound up sitting next to me. As the game started, she said that if it would be more comfortable for me, since the seats are so tightly packed, that I could put my arm around her. I did and she nestled into me slightly. We spent most of that game just chatting and enjoying the moment.

My backslide really started when last Friday she called up in tears and it accelerated when she called up in tears on Tues as well. She has said that she hasn't changed her mind, but she was sad. Up till that point, I had really given up hope and had been DB/DR to work on myself. To make me a better person and dad.

I think when she said that while she hasn't changed her mind, she feels that she needs to find an individual therapist before we could start marriage counseling again. That was the first time since she moved out that we even talked about that. Then on Tues she was in tears about how sad she was about the situation and it's not what she wanted when we got married.

Last nite's convo, I think is really making me think that she's just stressed about the boy's B'day party on Sat. She had asked me if she could help with the party, as well as come over, when I told her that I was going to have a B'day party for them. I had said yes and she even suggested that we meet for lunch to talk about the details a couple of weeks ago. We did and worked together like a team to get everything set up. Now she's stressing about seeing my family for the first time since she's moved out. I think that's why she is so emotional this week (plus it's a bad time of the month for her - she got really bad cramps starting yesterday).

I do see that I've backslid pretty bad and need to get my head back onto Dark/Dim. How should I handle when we are together though?

Sorry for the long post, but a lot has been going on and I want to give you as much info as possible.

Thanks for caring.