The adventure continues--the saga goes on

[confusedinpa]

Just to let you know, don't get too excited about having an agreement/settlement that says you are getting everything.

As my lawyer told me yesterday, the agreement is only as good till the next court filing. So if the other party has second thoughts, they can always file for changes.

It sucks as it seems like we will be constantly jerked around by our WAS, but he says that's the reality.

Best of luck to you.

[hooper1668]

John,
Are you able to take a few days off and just relax and enjoy time with your daughter? Do not spend the weekend upset about your W ? And yes, I know it is easier said than done...your daughter is such a big plus for you in this...if you can focus on her well-being you will find it will help you forget, somewhat, your own sad feelings, even more so in the early stages of this trip. Do not fall into the hole of blaming yourself for everything...you do not have to meet with you W to discuss the paperwork until you are ready...do not stop your investigation. Just because she has downloaded the paperwork doesn't mean your M is over. If you can take a week to think about this and talk to a lawyer you may have a different perspective on this...do not let this sour you on love and life. As many have told you on this board...you are a great man with many accomplishments. An incredible daughter, house, material items, few debts, retirement soon (if you wish), promotion is probable, etc.

Always, always, remember that your decisions are to better your daughters quality of life...do not let your hope to get back with your W give up your W responsiblities to care for your daughter...so often the male gives up everything hoping this will go away and thinking if he is nice his W will come back...your goal is to get everything you can for your daughter.

I know this goes against your nature...if you have a lawyer let them handle this...your conversation with your W should be about fixing your marriage...let the lawyers do the rest...if she is willing (through guilt) to pay the lawyers to include your fees then that is even more incentive for you to shoot for the moon.

Again, if you can, do not talk to her about the divorce Friday. Accept the papers, and tell her you want to review them yourself and have your lawyer validate. You will get back with her ASAP.

V/R

[AFWAW]

Hoop,
Yep, I've got a 4 day weekend. My D is spending the night w/ a friend. I'm not blaming myself for everything--I know that would be stupid. The wife just doesn't want to be married anymore and is willing to hold on to every little thing that I've done wrong so she can justify what she's doing. We had one last relationship talk yesterday and I feel it's probably our last one. She brought up a lot of old stuff that she can't seem to let go but stated that she still wanted to do stuff as a family like go hang out at the beach. I told her that if this was the route she chose then this would not be happening and if not for me, why would she not come home and work on this for our daughter--she said, I know, I'm a piece of sh*t.

I am very, very disappointed w/ this chapter in my life but I don't have a lot of control w/ regard to what's going on in it right now. So far, my daughter's quality of life has not suffered one bit. I will ensure that she has quality teenage years if she wants them.

I'll let my lawyer review the paperwork and advise me appropriately.

do not let this sour you on love and life. As many have told you on this board...you are a great man with many accomplishments. An incredible daughter, house, material items, few debts, retirement soon (if you wish), promotion is probable, etc.

I appreciate this. It sure is funny how your priorities change though and you wish you could have the one thing back that you don't have anymore. I really, really wish there was something I could say or do to get her back.

[DanceQueen]

"It sure is funny how your priorities change though and you wish you could have the one thing back that you don't have anymore. I really, really wish there was something I could say or do to get her back."

Maybe the only thing you can do is cherish who she used to be and what you used to love about her, and hold that as separate from all the rest of this stuff. You can always keep your memories, no one can take them from you. Hold your past with her in your heart forever, no matter what the future brings.

DQ

[LG nm12]

John,

I hope you get out and enjoy yourself this weekend. You so deserve it.

Hang in there,
Lucky

[AFWAW]

Ok, something weird happened today. I was sitting at home watching tv and the phone rang--it was the wife. She asked how my day was and was just being nice in general. She made it a point to tell me that she had just layed around her apartment all day today--translation, she didn't file divorce paperwork today. She asked if I had eaten yet and if I wanted to go out to dinner. I thought about it for a sec and said sure, why not. So, I went over to her place and she invited me in and showed me every nook and cranny--no sign of OM. I'm sure that's what the show was about. So, we go to dinner and it was very nice. I actually had a good time because there was no relationship talks and I went into this not expecting anything and of course I am being very wary w/ my heart at this point--very cautious. So, we get done and I take her back to her apartment and she asked if I wanted to come up and watch tv. Ok, sure. So, we watched tv for a few hours and kept it light. She did make it a point to tell me that she was thinking of me a lot today. So, I got up to leave, told her goodnight, she thanked me for dinner and watching tv, told me she had a really good time and gave me a kiss and hug.

So, I'll ask the question--WTF?????

I think the key things are a. I didn't put my heart out there to get stomped on again. b. There was no relationship talks. c. We both kept the conversation light. d. I had NO expectations and actually had a good time.

So, I'll ask the question again--WTFO????

Anyone???

[JKL2009]

Sometimes this stuff works. Probably got to take a day to full digest. Your key thoughts are there at the end. I'd say keep it up.

[hooper1668]

John,
Been thinking about you today....I knew this was going to happen. I almost posted for you earlier...I did and still do not want you to get any false hope. It is important that you stay strong for yourself...no one else. Your strength will carry over into you being strong for your daughter and W. Do not forget that your decisions effect two people, minimum, forever.

Now is a good time for you to back off a little bit and do things with your daughter...and, very important, you must go see the lawyer. I think OM is gone for the weekend and your W is missing you and D. Not a good time to bring up the R...but a good time to acknowledge that you are moving forward.


Again, and yes I repeat myself, your goal is the care of your D. Nothing is more important and nothing more visible to your wife than how you care for D (a good idea to get SS involved with family activities if you can, if this was a concern of your W, and you owe it to SS if you were his dad for 15+)

If you could identify and expose the OM it would help you and don't get caught up in the "fear" trap of she will be ticked...she will but your marriage will survive her anger...not the affair. She will not get an Art 15 for the affair although she better do what her CC tells her if she gets an LoC/LoR.

Plan a fun day with your D and have D invite W...beach, food, friends, jet-ski (get her on for a ride - everyone likes it no matter what they say after they get started, unless she is afraid of the water). No talk about R with W and if she doesn't go so what...do not call her for any reason...ever, unless D is sick/hurt.

A good time for you to work on your detachment...the OM will probably be back Sun/Mon...your cycle will start again...you should think about lawyer, exposure, zero contact with W (don't think that today "fixed" anything - it did not, she is still gone, a liar, multiple affairs, feels no guilt, etc...you know). You do not want this to turn into a relationship where she is sleeping/living with OM (the threat to file for divorce is a cover for her to justify the A at work if she gets caught brought on by her talk with her mother, nothing else) and having lunch with you and acting like you both are happy with this lifestyle.

You will probably get the "I don't know speech" soon...she knows exactly what she is doing and has since day #1 with OM #1,2,3, and 4. If, in your opinion, this was a great day/weekend (depending on what else happens) then you need to see the lawyer Mon/Tues (ASAP) and do whatever you can to secure your position...let her last memories of you be great and then you must hit her hard....divorce, CS, full custody pending a hearing on her stability, alimony, etc...do not make the mistake of thinking this will cause your divorce...your W caused it with the affairs and moving out to continue this affair...there is no other reason for her to move out other than to have a place to meet OM without you and D knowing about it.

Stay strong, work on yourself (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc) be glad today was a good day...be prepared soon to tell her you do not want to see her ever unless the affairs are over, she moves back home, IC/MC, she tells you the names (and you tell your CC) and you both change your ways.

You are on the right path...you have to let her go to see if she was ever yours. Do not chase, now is a good time for you to "ignore, avoid" her...you do not want to become her best buddy...your relationship is much more deep and emotional...to include intimacy.

If she continues to stay in her apartment go file and have her served...don't worry about what happens...have the paperwork ready to be served right before July 4th...have her declared unfit due to multiple affairs, abandonment, and exposure to D of OM details and improper talks. Is this harsh, yes it is...so is life when a third person is brought into a marriage.

Stay away from the booze and bars. Go to church Sunday, take daughter with you. Life is not as bad as you think...make a list of what you want to do...school, PT, work, etc and stick to it.

Do not get your hopes up...sounds like your thoughts are in the right place right now.

Take care.
V/R

[Puppy Dog Tails]

A good time for you to work on your detachment...the OM will probably be back Sun/Mon...your cycle will start again...you should think about lawyer, exposure, zero contact with W (don't think that today "fixed" anything - it did not, she is still gone, a liar, multiple affairs, feels no guilt, etc...you know). You do not want this to turn into a relationship where she is sleeping/living with OM (the threat to file for divorce is a cover for her to justify the A at work if she gets caught brought on by her talk with her mother, nothing else) and having lunch with you and acting like you both are happy with this lifestyle.

John,

What Hooper said ^ -- as usual, spot-on. Especially that part I quoted above. It's imperative that you do not go "melty man" at this point, as she is definitely trying to appease you right now. NOTHING HAS CHANGED, other than she's "being nice."

The problem with saying "yes" to all of her invitations is that it DOES open your heart back up to her, and at this point she is still an unrepentant, serial adulterer with some serious issues.

Please protect yourself -- emotionally, legally and financially -- and ESPECIALLY protect your daughter.

I know, I know . . . we're buzzkillers. Hey, it's what I do. Besides, it's the TRUTH.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

I knew this was going to happen

I didn't--I fully expected a quiet evening at home by myself. What else should I expect?

I did and still do not want you to get any false hope.

I went into this with no expectations and came out having a good time. My hope is still dashed at this point. I'm acting as if we are still getting divorced however as angry as this woman can be it is curious how she acted last night.

Again, and yes I repeat myself, your goal is the care of your D. Nothing is more important and nothing more visible to your wife than how you care for D (a good idea to get SS involved with family activities if you can, if this was a concern of your W, and you owe it to SS if you were his dad for 15+)

D was spending the night at a friends. SS lives in another state. I'm taking good care of my D.

If you could identify and expose the OM it would help you and don't get caught up in the "fear" trap of she will be ticked...she will but your marriage will survive her anger...not the affair. She will not get an Art 15 for the affair although she better do what her CC tells her if she gets an LoC/LoR.

Still working on this one. My friend's friend should be back this week and can narrow it down. I will probably first verify that he is "visiting" my wife and then call his wife--I'll just look up the name on the global.

A good time for you to work on your detachment...the OM will probably be back Sun/Mon...your cycle will start again

Yeah, I'm waiting for it to hit again. Wife has my D Sun & Mon so while OM may be back he won't be w/ my wife.

You do not want this to turn into a relationship where she is sleeping/living with OM (the threat to file for divorce is a cover for her to justify the A at work if she gets caught brought on by her talk with her mother, nothing else) and having lunch with you and acting like you both are happy with this lifestyle.

Oh, I won't do this. She knows I'm at the end of my rope and I'm not sure exactly why she wanted to get together but she knows I won't go on much longer like this.

your W caused it with the affairs and moving out to continue this affair...there is no other reason for her to move out other than to have a place to meet OM without you and D knowing about it.

And I keep on telling myself this.

Do not get your hopes up...sounds like your thoughts are in the right place right now.

Yeah, my hopes aren't up at all at this point. I'm trying to stay mentally grounded. I still feel as if we are getting a divorce.

Thanks for your thoughts.