WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[sandi2]

Okay, maybe this is not fair to you b/c I've not read the beginning of your stitch, but this is what I'm picking up on just from this post alone....okay? Now, this is my not knowing if there is an OM or not. Do you suspect an EA? Even if there is no OM, she has all the WAW signs, for sure! I also see way, way too much talking from both sides of the fense. Both of you are over-killing the conversations. You must be the one to control that. I gather by your long post (like mine) that you are a natural talker, so that may be hard for you to cut down, but that is MHO.

That she didn't think that I include her in stuff, and inviting her was an after thought.

This is the illogical thinking of a WAW b/c if she has filed for a D, she should not consider being invited to the things you are included in, such as taking the kids to a carnival.

Well, she sent me a picture of my son and his cast at the ice cream place.

Why would she do that? Have you asked youself that? If she does not want to continue a R with you, then I would think she would not be concerned about you having a picture. You could take your own of the son. Illogical thinking.

I called her to thank her for the picture as well as her help in taking care of it today.

That was an "excuse" to talk to her and you know it is a big no-no. Stop the phone calls.

I did mention to her that she was welcome to join us for the carnival if she wanted to,

You kept up with the talking and it was toooo much. I know you can't see it....but trust me, I can.

but didn't want her to feel pressure to.

Now, listen to me, please. That one added phrase put pressure on her!! Stop doing that! I saw that repeatedly in your post where you were saying that. Please break yourself from it.

I said that she should do what she wants to do and not come just because she thought we expected her to. She then said that she didn't want to do family stuff together. I said then she shouldn't come if that's how she felt.

Yada, yada, yada.....on and on and on! Just say, "okay" and shut up. Both of you just keep going on and on.

She was really agitated. I told her, very calmly, that she was welcome to come if she wanted to come, but I don't want her to come if she is doesn't want or will be resentful of it. I said I know the boys and I will have fun if she came and we will have fun if she didn't. She got agitated to the point where she couldn't speak and said that she would call me back in 5 minutes

.

Yep. On and on. Can you see where you are absolutely in "over-kill" drive here? She was trying to tell you something you were not hearing b/c you were driving home a point to her. Of course she got agitated. I would have too. It sounds as if she just gave up in defeat....but I could be wrong. She is saying and doing a lot of things that seem to be illogical for a person wanting a D.

As we were gettting ready to leave the ball field, my wife still hadn't called so I called her (I know - WRONG MOVE!!!).

Yeah? You KNOW it was wrong move? Then tell me why you did it? Why do LBH's do what they KNOW is the wrong move? You also must know, then, that you were applying greater pressure than before by calling her back......again. I'm just trying to make you wake up. I read this kind of messages from LBS's all the time. They KNOW it is not the right DB move, but they are going to do it or bust a gut!

She then got agitated again as she said that she was about to say that she was going to go with us but is confused now as it sounded like I didn't want her to come. I then said, very calmly that I would love for her to come if she wanted to come, but not if she was coming just to appease me or the boys.

Well....here we go again. Yada, yada.

I wound up saying that I don't think she was really ready to do what would make them happy (implying coming back home) and feel that giving them false hope just adds to the hurt.

Oh, trust me.....she got your message loud and clear! Man, can't you see how big of a mistake that was? Why do you insist on doing the things you KNOW is wrong? You are digging your D grave a little deeper everytime you cannot resist this jabs.

"Hi. You look great. Are you ready to go?"

Typical "husband script" remark. Could you try to be a little more original?

She grumbled about feeling fat and grumpy. I just said I'm really sorry to hear that but this is the nicest nite we've had in a while so it should be a good time.

You are kidding, right? You didn't really say that.

"Good call hun. It looks like the boys are having a blast and it's a really nice nite".

MORE PRESSURE! Don't call her "hun".......she is divorcing you! She doesn't want to feel like she is M to you and doesn't want you calling her those M names.....like "hun". The rest of that sentence was you showing her how "great" it would be to stay M for the "boys" sake. She is a female and she is smart. Stop treating her like she doesn't have good sense and that she can't read you a mile off.

stood behind her as I rubbed both her arms to warm her up . I then massaged her shoulders lightly and remarked how tense they felt. She said she was tense. I stopped and asked her if this was too much and making her tense. She said no so I did it for a few more minutes before the kids ran up to get some more pretzels and drink from us.

Took advantage, didn't you? She knew it! She just didn't have the energy to fight you. For gosh sakes, stop putting pressure on her like that. You were in a public place and you took advantage of touching her. You should not do that. How many times have you been told? I haven't even read your thread and I'll bet people have told you over and over again not to do that.

She said she was tense. I stopped and asked her if this was too much and making her tense. She said no so I did it for a few more minutes before the kids ran up to get some more pretzels and drink from us.

Of course you did. Do you not know that merly "asking" her if what you were doing made her tense.......did in fact MAKE HER TENSE? I know, she said no, but she didn't mean it. She just did not want to make matters worse and was trying to get through the night the best she could. But, you pursued!

When it was time to go, we walked closely and I pulled her close and just kissed the side of her head saying I was glad she came. She didn't say anything.

Just couldn't stop, could you?

I wanted to give her a hug goodbye, but could sense that wasn't what she wanted

Oh really! You could FINALLY sense that, huh?

So it started out rough, but I don't think it went too bad.

Any thoughts/comments?

Yes, I have a thought and comment.......typical DAM! (Dumb Ass Man)

So, by now you may be sorry you asked me to come by and look at your thread, but I have been painfully honest with you and if you never talk to me again.....I hope that I may have made you see a tiny bit of the wrong way you are going about this.....from the POV of a WAW. I was that woman. I know those moves! Please, if you want her back.....stop talking to her all the time. when you MUST talk with her.....keep it very short and sweet and stop the "over-kill". She has it too, but I haven't quite figured her out and will need to read more......for you.....you are the typical LBH. The very best move you can do is to open your ears and start listening to other WAW's or LBS's that learned too late their mistakes. Don't listen to people who have just came aboard and don't know their head from a hole in the ground and not doing any better than you are. And......I don't know that anyone like that has posted to you b/c I have not read the thread. It is fine for people to "reach out" to one another, but I'm just saying that folks that have "been there" are the ones that know the score and you need to listen, but most of all.......start DOING what you are advised.

I don't apologize for being plain spoken or using a 2x4 when a person has been on the board this long and is still doing the same mistakes that he would have been doing when he first arrived. I don't get it. Why do you insist on repeating them? Can you not honestly see what you are doing, or you think you can't stop yourself? I'm not trying to be a smart-a$$, I am honestly wanting to know. Is it the differnces in the sexes and not understanding? Even so, by now I would think you should be getting a better picture. Unless (and I pray that you aren't) one of those men who think they are always "right" and she is always in the wrong and you can't "hear" what others are trying to tell you.

Well, I will see how you take this and then go from there.

Sandi