Thinker, talking about low self esteem......my H did not have a lot of high esteem before we M, but he covered it up a lot. I heard his aunt say that he did not have a lot of self confidence, and it kind of surprised me. I never saw that side of him before we M. I saw him as being the strong, silent type. (Mostly, silent!) However, what little esteem he had, I know I must have knock it totally out of him b/c I have said some terrible things to him over the years....just trying to make him "talk" to me. It was as if he pushed me to be so blunt b/c I was trying to make him understand my POV, but I'm not sure he ever did. Maybe it is the differences between the sexes....I don't know. Maybe his quiet personality was not what I thought I was seeing!
A man who acts cocky, a "hotshot", loud, or a know-it-all......any of those types of personalities just turns most women off. It comes across a "fake", immature, or "too much"... and if a female has any age or maturity at all, she will spot this immediately and walk away. A man with a healthy high esteem comes across as being very confident and strong and it is the most sexy thing a man can be to a woman.....IMHO. The point is, that he does not have to "prove" anything......and he knows it! That message is what women preceive. I have made the statement before.....but that is what attracted me to my OM. It was not his looks, necessarily, but the confidence I saw. As we talked, I picked up on his personlity, etc., but that was the first thing that attracted me to him. So, makes you wonder.....doesn't it.....since maybe my H did not have what I saw in the OM?
Since you like to read, maybe it would help you to find the right type of books to help build that self esteem. Maybe you have already tried that..... I know it took me a long time to gain a better esteem and one thing that helped was doing things that made me feel good about myself. Accomplishing certain tasks or goals, doing something new and discovering that I wasn't half bad at it, just things like that helped me in my personal life. I was blessed to have some doors open for me in employment that...when I was younger....I would not have thought I could have done the job......but I kind of bluffed my way through the beginning and learned that I could do the job. That gave me growth, and after that--I knew I could do about anything I set my mind to do. It may take somebody teaching me or a hands on type of situation, but give me time....and I will learn. That makes one feel good about themselves.
I also learned that I was my own worst enemy when I was younger. That type of thinking is self destructive! I cannot express that strong enough to you. I first had to prove to myself that I could do certain things, then I had to learn to like myself. I still have to work on that one, b/c I have too high of a standard for "Sandi" and don't think I could ever reach it. But, as I grow older, I realize that I am not being realistic in my standards.
I suppose what I'm trying to encourage you here is to learn to like yourself. Become a friend to yourself and like who & what you are. Then try new things to see what you can do. It may surprise you. Be sure to keep doing the things you know is "your" talent and that you are good at doing and enjoy doing it! You know, sometimes we don't recognize our own talent b/c it feels so "natural" to us that we don't see it as being a talent until another person tells us that we are good at doing.....whatever. (Wheee, that was a long sentence!....not my talent.... )
It is hard gaining higher self esteem, but I do believe it is possible b/c I have done it! My father used to tell me when I was a child that I had an inferiority complex. I wasn't quite sure what it meant, but I was sure I didn't like it! He was right, of course.....I had a huge one! I believe it is something that happens to us probably when we are very young, but I'm no authority. It wants to stick with us regardless of when it hits us.
Anyway, I just wanted to try to encourage you not to give up and keep working on yourself....for yourself (not anybody else!), okay? You are a good person who were like the rest of us......imperfect. What a boring place this board would be if we are were perfect...huh?
I know it took me a long time to gain a better esteem and one thing that helped was doing things that made me feel good about myself. Accomplishing certain tasks or goals, doing something new and discovering that I wasn't half bad at it, just things like that helped me in my personal life. I was blessed to have some doors open for me in employment that...when I was younger....I would not have thought I could have done the job......but I kind of bluffed my way through the beginning and learned that I could do the job. That gave me growth, and after that--I knew I could do about anything I set my mind to do. It may take somebody teaching me or a hands on type of situation, but give me time....and I will learn. That makes one feel good about themselves. 
