You asked me to stop by and take a look at your thread. I tried to find the first post and got as far back as sometime in 2008, but never found where you actually came on the board. So, could you give me a very brief upgrade as to what your story is about? I gather that you are S and she had filed for a D. She apparently has not been out of the house long, but you don't want to wait for years only to find out it won't change facts.
I was an AWAW and it was years in the making and it has taken a long time for me to begin to feel normal again. I have discovered that I have very low hormone levels and hopefully the doctor will be able to help in that area, but it has certainly had a big part in my feelings and behavior (I believe) and that is not to say that I am using that as an "excuse".....not at all, but just throwing that in for the heck of it.....
What are the ages of you and your W? That helps to know. I have seen your name on the forum before but just never got over to visit you. You have been around for a while! I know it must be awfully frustrating for you b/c I have learned this by reading other LBH's posts and it has helped me to realize just how badly I hurt my own H and to understand his pain (since he doesn't discuss it with me).
You probably feel some panic just knowing the D is coming, but that will show in your talk, actions, attitude....everything. It would be hard to control, but you must work hard not to "feel" the panic and allow it to take over your life b/c she will back farther away. It is something that comes across as "desparate" that just turns the opposite sex off! I know that is certainly not what you want to happen.
I will tell you that when I was considering leaving my H and home, that I wanted so badly to feel "freedom". I think it would have taken me many months to come to the place that the freshness of that new "single freedom" wore off. I could be wrong and guess I'll never know (and don't want to know, now). I suppose it is anybody's guess as to how long it would have taken for my fantasy trip to end and the reality of my situation to hit me. I can tell you that it was only when my H completely and totally back away from me and left me alone and showed no effort at pursuing that I decided that I would even "try" to stay home. A time or two, he almost messed up by making the mistake of just touching me (not sexually) in a light affectionate way......and I could not even stand that much!
I will not go into a lot of details right now and will wait until you respond with more information for me, but I can't expound enough on how important it is to completely "drop the rope" and let her go. Women have tried to tell men this over and over, but they won't listen until too much damage has been done or it is too late. I have read where that is the only thing that stopped a D was when the other S finally dropped the rope and the WAS realized that the D was going to happen and then it hit them that it was not what they wanted at all. If you have been there at her beck & call, and she has not had to miss you or do without you........that is not good. She needs to realize that she has "lost" you. If being friends has not worked, or anything else you've tried (and I gather it hasn't) then I strongly suggest that you drop the rope ASAP as your LRT. What do you have to lose? You might just gain a lot in return.
I'll check back and talk to you later.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
