WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 9

[confusedinpa]

I know you're getting impatient, but you CAN'T. Remember this is how she felt ALL those YEARS while you were supposedly NEGLECTING her. I can't remember was she a SAHM? If so that can add to the RESENTMENT. She DOESN'T BELIEVE these changes are REAL. She like most WAW believe a tiger can't change his stripes. Which for many is true. That is why you NEED to use this time to work on YOU. And YOU are doing a good job of that. Keep on making TIME for YOU. Hang out with old friends. Take up some new hobbies. The more new things you do the more she will BELIEVE that these changes are real. If your changes are only RELATED to HER then she will not. Forget about the lunches for now. She's not ready. She would just be appeasing you. She is seeing what she needs to see when she is around you and the boys.

Yoy have to stay PATIENT and give her TIME and SPACE. I see cracks in her wall. But it takes time. A drop in the bucket of your lives together so quit focusing on the day to day stuff. Look at what your doing as an investment. Building the "pipeline". You're in business you know what im talking about. Think Ray Kroc and only getting a .05 for every burger at first. Keep on planting the seeds of doubt. You're making up for LOST TIME.

Like Michelle says in her book. You're goal is not to convince her to come back. It's about planting a seed of doubt in her mind that she might be making a mistake in leaving. You are doing that my friend. Keep it up. I think she is getting close to opening that door again.

PMA

PMA_Baby!

Thanks for the encouragement.

She does work full time, actually does very well at a major pharmacetical company. That's the irony in it - we have everything going for us to make it as we never argued about the typical financial stuff that most couples fight about. I think the big part of the problem was that she realized between both our jobs and the kids, we weren't making times for us, to maintain our relationship/connection. I know she tried to tell me in her way, but I didn't get it then. I do now.

I know she has felt neglected for a while (at least 3 years, but she claims since late 2000/early 2001). I know this pain runs deep for her and she inherently has a problem letting go of hurt (she is still mad at her sister from something from sophmore year in HS). I know she has doubts that my changes are real.

I know I'm not perfect and will never be. That's one of the things she had brought up in counseling about 4 of weeks before she moved out. She said that she knows that I will try my best, but if I slip up once, she will be worried that it will just unleash a floodgate of the hurt from the past that it will be devasting to her.

I hope that you are right that cracks are appearing in her wall. I just hope that she doesn't fill them faster than I can knock cracks into her wall - or worse that she finds someone else to help fill them with her.

Lunch is a moot point right now as she is taking my 7 year old to get his fractured wrist taken care of at 1:30. I will just wait for another opportunity. Problem with just letting her see what she sees when she's around me and the boys is that it's hard for me to really spend time or give her my attention when the boys are around. My 7 year old is a mamma's boy so he's constantly trying to be the focus of her attention and my 3 year old is a daddy's boy so he constantly is trying to get my attention. So she still feels that she doesn't have my full attention or my top priority.

I am using the time when I don't have the boys for me. I go to church, signed up for a small group at church, go to the gym, try to go out with my friends as well as getting myself going on my old interests (cars and home improvement/construction) again.

I am trying to be patient, I just wanted to plant a seed of concern that I am getting impatient. Not sure if that was a good idea, but I will not wait beyond the time limit of the divorce (24 months from filing).

That's a good point about the goal isn't to convince her to come back, but to plant a seed of doubt. Problem is that, even as she was moving out, she felt she didn't have a good choice - staying in the marriage and being unhappy vs. moving out. She said neither one was a good choice for her. Guess she felt that moving out was still better than staying in the marriage and being unhappy. I know that she doesn't see the third option of staying in the marriage and being happy. That's what I want to get her thinking/curious about.

Unfortunately, I think that my 7 year old's injury will be another distraction for her so she won't be focusing on trying to let go or her own issues. I will be patient, for now. Either way, I will always continue to work on me for me as well as for my boys.

Thanks again.

[volleydog]

I just wanted to plant a seed of concern that I am getting impatient.

I think this just equals pressure to her...I think you're doing good but it's a haul man. Just remember it's a marathon not a sprint, so pace yourself.

[confusedinpa]

She just called saying that she was done with my 7 year old at the doctors. They put a cast on his arm which will stay on for 3 weeks.

She gave me the details of what the doctor said/suggested. Then I said that I wasn't sure what she had planned for the day, but she could just bring my son to my work. She said that she was planning on taking him to get a milkshake and wasn't planning on going back to work.

I said that I was thinking that if she dropped him off, I would pick up my youngest and try to get to the carnival that was starting up today. I didn't invite her, but wasn't sure if I should have. I'm just second guessing it as that is one of her pet peeves. That she didn't think that I include her in stuff, and inviting her was an after thought.

She did sound surprised when I said that she could just drop him off at my work.

Well, she sent me a picture of my son and his cast at the ice cream place. I called her to thank her for the picture as well as her help in taking care of it today. I did mention to her that she was welcome to join us for the carnival if she wanted to, but didn't want her to feel pressure to.

She said that she would think about it, but said that she was having pretty bad cramps today. I just said ok and I'll talk to her later then.

Oh well....

[confusedinpa]

I just wanted to plant a seed of concern that I am getting impatient.

I think this just equals pressure to her...I think you're doing good but it's a haul man. Just remember it's a marathon not a sprint, so pace yourself.

I know it's not a sprint, but I don't want it to be a 10 year marathon. In 2 years, the divorce will be official/final. I think that's a reasonable marathon. I've told her about 6 weeks after the bomb, she had broken down crying saying how even people who have gotten divorced have gotten back together to remarry. I told her that wasn't going happen with us. If we get divorced, I would be cordial and polite, but can't imagine being friends with the woman I love knowing that I can't show her. Call it a boundary. Call it being a jerk. Call it for what you will, but that's how I felt.

I would be willing to let the marathon go longer if she would pause the divorce clock, but it is what it is. She was the one who filed.

[PMA_Baby!]

You're doing well. Next time just send a txt back saying thanks for the pic. Don't always feel the need to call. She cant assume your there for her everytime she needs you. Dont worry about including her either. She needs to FEEL left out. Let her come to you.

It's good that you set that boundary. Hopefully, it gained respect. Just because they appear angry doesnt mean they dont respect what you're doing. Remember they are CONFUSED. You definitely don't want to ENABLE what they're doing.

Keep it up. PMA

[MrBond]

You're doing fine. Just stop being in such a rush to contact her. You mention that you've started trying to GAL with your hobbies and whatnot, but most of the time you're out with your W or talking about her.

It's only been a month since she left and believe me, I know how it feels. Remember what I said about patience? You mentioned on my thread about posing the question to my W if she wants to work on things or not. Well, right now she's not at that place and is definitely not as open as your W. So I await for the right time to come up.

If you keep obsessing about what your W thinks or when it would be a good time to do something, you're going to keep tying yourself in knots.

Take it one day at a time like you have been doing and enjoy the time alone. See it as a time for self growth.

[PMA_Baby!]

Take it one day at a time like you have been doing and enjoy the time alone. See it as a time for self growth.

Bingo!!!

[antlers]

It takes 'em a month or more just to get the logistics of moving taken care of...like utilities, furniture, etc...and getting used to living on their own. I think these things take much, much more time than we would like. It's not really realistic to expect things to start turning around so soon. Mine's been out of the house for 3 months now, and the amount of anger that she still has is something to behold. She put up with me for years, and it's unrealistic for me to expect anything positive to happen for a long, long time...if it ever does.

[cire2]

FWIW, it's been 2 yrs. since my D and restraing order placed on me. She was very mad and telling embellished stories. I was angry but stayed away even though she stole from me. Never in a million thought we'd ever talk again. Lo and behold we reconnected a couple weeks back and are friends again.

Time will heal even if scars are left. As weird as it seems I might even consider... But I'm trying to bust my current R and she's in one also. Funny how we both respect that now. We picked up where we left off when things were good. Outside of the intimacy, of course. There has been friendly flirting though.

What I'm saying is standing down is very important. You especially don't want to be forced too. Amazing what time will do to the heart, I finally got an apology and she admitted to being a bad wife.

Your W is asking for something even if she's not sure what that is. Let her figure it out.

cire

[confusedinpa]

You're doing well. Next time just send a txt back saying thanks for the pic. Don't always feel the need to call. She cant assume your there for her everytime she needs you. Dont worry about including her either. She needs to FEEL left out. Let her come to you.

Thanks PMA_Baby!

I normally would have just sent a text back or not answered the picture. I was just worried considering the CT trip invitation/lack of invitation confusion that happened right before she made the final decision to move out (got the the apt the weekend I was away). I didn't want her to think she wasn't invited so I took that opportunity to clarify. I know it was pursuing and wrong as I paniced. I just hope that I didn't lose too much ground....