My situation #9

[steady]

JonF posted this on another thread and I thought I'd like it here:

I think the moment is apropos to bring up that old adage: "If you love someone, let them go. If they love you, they'll come back."....(removed some dialogue in between)

My final ramble - marriages that fail rarely ever fail because the initial attraction fades - unless it was a marriage built on mutual lust - quite honestly, I believe that "irreconcilable differences" is a code word for "Now that the honeymoon has worn off, and the kids are getting older, I'm too self-interested to do the hard work that a marriage requires, so I'll go find someone else that will be new and exciting for awhile, and repeat the same mistakes, yet again."

Thinker posted this on the same thread:

So why get a D? The feelings can all come back and you both can have a much healthier, stronger and more enriching relationship. How does one do it? - commitment to learning, understanding, common values and goals, communicating honestly, healing yourself, loving the way your partner needs, staying vigilant, patience, being truly intimate, and working your butt off.

This is the challenge that most of the LBS's here face. Where the LBS buys into exactly what you say, Coach, the WAS definitely does not! The WAS has an entrenched position that staying = misery and leaving is the only available option.

You can't talk to the WAS and convince them that there is a 3rd option (believe me, I tried, as I believe has every LBS).

The real challenge is getting the WAS to come to their own, independent conclusion that "The feelings can all come back and you both can have a much healthier, stronger and more enriching relationship"

Same thread posted by DanceQueen

.....They are older now, but they are emotionally teenagers, because they've been shrink-wrapped by the marriage for all these years. So once they "leave the nest" of the marriage, they don't have the emotional skills of another adult who has been single for much of their life. Instead they are like a kid in a candy store, with not enough sense to stop themselves before eating too much and getting sick. It takes years after a divorce to really settle into your new reality. You feel like you want to run down the street with the wind blowing in your hair and you want to have wild, crazy sexual experiences with random people...again, similar to being a teenager and getting your first place. The freedom and the lack of rules compels you forward. You can almost taste it....

....but its never how you think its going to be, the same as when we are teens. The freedom is great but it also means you don't have the comforts you were used to. The sex might be great but there are great physical and emotional risks you weren't counting on (and also, the sex might be bad too, and that's a real shocker for you when you are in that position). The lack of rules just means no one really cares, which is not exactly what you were hoping for....

So I'm just trying to paint a reality picture for Mrs. SP's future here. She thinks its going to be one big fun romp of a lifetime....in reality, it will be brief periods of fun and long periods of sadness, reflection, parenting issues (just wait until they are teens!), growing pains and overall uncertainty about her life.

Some good stuff there.