My situation #9

[ernest88]

My W just called me at work to tell me a funny story about something my S said. We talked for a little while and laughed about it. Then we talked about some other non-essential stuff.

It seems the more I detach and let go the more she opens up with things like this. It's a funny thing. Doesn't change anything, but it is interesting - I've always been fascinated with human behavior.

keep doing what you are doing...stay the course..

[steady]

Thanks Coach and Mike.

It's funny but I have 3 beautiful women (all blondes, all fit and into exercise, all 3 within a few years of my age) who are showing interest in dating me. Of course there will be none of that right now, but it sure feels good to see that I still got it. And I know through this experience that I finally 'get it' also - I'm so much the better man than I've ever been.

Mike, I'm letting my L do it all. I don't even discuss it with my W anymore. Once in a while she'll ask me a question and my usual answer is, "My lawyer is handling it."

My S's here so I'll write more later on.

Thanks for coming by Mike and Coach. It's always nice to hear from you guys.

[steady]

The roller coaster continues. So last night she starts in about the separation. Says she asked me to leave 3 months ago and this is dragging on. I told her it's going to take as long as it takes. She threatens to file for a D instead of going the agreement route. I tell her to do what she has to do.

She says me being in the house is stressing her and she's getting near the end of her rope. I told her there isn't anything I'm doing to cause her stress. She said it's what happened in the past and that she doesn't want to live with me...blah, blah, blah. You basically know the rest - all script.

This morning she tells me she is going to drop the kids off tomorrow morning and then go out. She's going to come back to watch them while I have IC and then she's going to go out and not come home until Sun around noon for my kids swimming lessons. I tell her fine, do what you want. I left and went to work.

After I got off work she calls me, chatting like nothing happened, nice as pie, tells me my S lost another tooth, chats with me about her work, asks me if I heard from my L, etc...

Through it all I sit there waving....as she goes off in the distance in her roller coaster.

She's staying at her mom's tonight with the kids. I'm going out to meet a bunch of people I found on meetup.com and gonna build myself a social network. Good stuff for me. GAL'ing - it's just what I need right now.

I made an appointment to see my L on Monday to discuss if I should go through with the forensic analysis or just make her file for D. Hopefully that will work out ok.

She thinks she has a slam dunk - I don't think so. The more overconfident she is, the better it will be for me so I hope it stays that way. Anyway, that's my update.

Ken

[Distressed67]

Must have been an itersting night Ken. One night she crawls into bed with you the next she is telling you she wants a D.

Keep yourself focused on what you want and need and allow her to keep ridind the coaster without you

Have a great weekend with your kids.

[ndsmhelp]

One night she crawls into bed with you the next she is telling you she wants a D.

Hey Steady...finally getting around to stopping in and saying hello. Don't get here much any more, but when I do, I try to catch up with you and Tim.

You sound good..relaxed and under control. As always, sorry to see the sitch is still headed in the same direction, but glad you seem to have found your "Zen"...something I still struggle with.

Nothing really new for me...the quote above reminds me of my life after a year of this, although my wife's swings are not nearly as frequent as yours. We still have months of smooth sailing at a time, with the last D reminder being around the beginning of March, I think. Still in the same house(and bed most times)...still doing the limbo.

[steady]

Nothing big to report. Same thing as before. Heading for the separation/divorce. I've detached even more and have less and less of the times when it feels sad.

I'm busy getting a life and I actually took a cooking class last saturday at the culinary institute here. It was good and I had some fun. I actually made a Hummus for my W to take to her mom's on mothers day when she went over there. She said it was awesome and her mom actually kept what was left so she could eat it.

I haven't been on here lately because I don't have much to report and I've been quite busy. Anyway, hope you are all doing well.

[ernest88]

good for you..continue on

[Coach]

good for you..continue on

Steady is as Steady does.

[steady]

Steady as he goes.

Well my W pulled some crap the other day with our money. She decided she was going to setup her own checking account and put her paycheck directly in there. Then she said she wants us to split the bills based on our incomes - 60/40. I told her I needed to speak to my lawyer. Of course, she got annoyed about that and started to go into a freakin discourse...lol. I told her I said I needed to talk to my lawyer and that was that - no discussion about it until then.

I called my lawyer and he told me I didn't need to give her any money. He also said the judge is not going to look on her actions favorably. He said if the mortgage doesn't get paid, it doesn't get paid. Then he said, tell her that she needs to pay the monetary amount that is the difference in our paychecks. Then after she does that, I pay 50/50 on the bills. So that's what I told her I was advised. Again, she wasn't too thrilled about that either.

Then she tells me her brother (who works in finance) told her that based on finances alone we should be splitting the bills 50/50 - and not even take into consideration the difference in our paychecks. Of course, I started to boil up inside and wanted to tell her to tell her brother to go (you know what) himself, but I refrained and bit my lip. It was the higher road. The fact is it doesn't matter what her brother says, or anyone in her family/friends circle for that matter. Instead of reacting, I thought about it and then acted by doing and saying nothing.

She has a lawyer appointment tomorrow to discuss the letter my lawyer sent to her lawyer about the forensic psychological analysis for the custody issue. I don't think she knows yet that my lawyer put her mother and father into it by demanding they go through the analysis also. She is going to freak out I think when she finds this out. Oh well. She wants to play hardball so I just go with the flow in the direction she is pushing things.

I just give it an extra push in her direction.

I'm doing pretty well. Had a rough night last night trying to wrap my head around how she is treating me. My therapist said she's treating you horribly and it impacts you. I told her it does, not as much as it used to, but it still knocks me off balance. I actually had to get in my car last night and take a drive to decompress from it all. It's amazing how someone can take 9 years of being together and 7 years of marriage, and two children and then act the way she is acting. I really can't fathom it.

She's out with her girlfriends from work right now so I had the kids tonight.

Everything for the S/D is moving ahead slowly and I know it's really pissing her off that it's not moving as fast as she wants it to move. But that's her problem, not mine.

I'm just riding the wave and letting life take its course. It doesn't need my help.

Anyway, that's the update. Thanks all for sticking with me through all of this. Now I have to go read up on some of my peeps.

[steady]

JonF posted this on another thread and I thought I'd like it here:

I think the moment is apropos to bring up that old adage: "If you love someone, let them go. If they love you, they'll come back."....(removed some dialogue in between)

My final ramble - marriages that fail rarely ever fail because the initial attraction fades - unless it was a marriage built on mutual lust - quite honestly, I believe that "irreconcilable differences" is a code word for "Now that the honeymoon has worn off, and the kids are getting older, I'm too self-interested to do the hard work that a marriage requires, so I'll go find someone else that will be new and exciting for awhile, and repeat the same mistakes, yet again."

Thinker posted this on the same thread:

So why get a D? The feelings can all come back and you both can have a much healthier, stronger and more enriching relationship. How does one do it? - commitment to learning, understanding, common values and goals, communicating honestly, healing yourself, loving the way your partner needs, staying vigilant, patience, being truly intimate, and working your butt off.

This is the challenge that most of the LBS's here face. Where the LBS buys into exactly what you say, Coach, the WAS definitely does not! The WAS has an entrenched position that staying = misery and leaving is the only available option.

You can't talk to the WAS and convince them that there is a 3rd option (believe me, I tried, as I believe has every LBS).

The real challenge is getting the WAS to come to their own, independent conclusion that "The feelings can all come back and you both can have a much healthier, stronger and more enriching relationship"

Same thread posted by DanceQueen

.....They are older now, but they are emotionally teenagers, because they've been shrink-wrapped by the marriage for all these years. So once they "leave the nest" of the marriage, they don't have the emotional skills of another adult who has been single for much of their life. Instead they are like a kid in a candy store, with not enough sense to stop themselves before eating too much and getting sick. It takes years after a divorce to really settle into your new reality. You feel like you want to run down the street with the wind blowing in your hair and you want to have wild, crazy sexual experiences with random people...again, similar to being a teenager and getting your first place. The freedom and the lack of rules compels you forward. You can almost taste it....

....but its never how you think its going to be, the same as when we are teens. The freedom is great but it also means you don't have the comforts you were used to. The sex might be great but there are great physical and emotional risks you weren't counting on (and also, the sex might be bad too, and that's a real shocker for you when you are in that position). The lack of rules just means no one really cares, which is not exactly what you were hoping for....

So I'm just trying to paint a reality picture for Mrs. SP's future here. She thinks its going to be one big fun romp of a lifetime....in reality, it will be brief periods of fun and long periods of sadness, reflection, parenting issues (just wait until they are teens!), growing pains and overall uncertainty about her life.

Some good stuff there.