Sounds to me like he tried to 'fix it' on his own (calling her to get closure). He wanted to take care of it, bury it, leave it done. Then you found out.
Yes, it is disturbing. Yes, it brings up memories.
But you said yourself it was only a couple of months ago you noticed the REAL change, the REAL breakthrough. That is probably when he finally did 'get it'...
A book I got called "After the Affair" (recommended by our MC at the time), says that once you reach a point of reconciliation, you may continue to face reminders of the past. For example, you may go to balance the checkbook and find a receipt that came from a dinner H had with the ow. It happened in the past, is not part of life today, but it floods you with the memories/feelings. You can either dwell on that, or remember that you are together NOW and that was THEN. (Just an example from the book.)
In this case, he DID lie to you. You said no-contact and he broke that promise. However, there seem to have been some major changes/developments in the past few months that would indicate that his relationship with her IS in the past, over and done.
So you will have to decide what is right for you, but it sounds like this happened before he 'got it'...maybe you could give him the benefit of the doubt?
I would say he is feeling angry at himself that he lied and let you down again. But your reacting (and I do it too!) probably has him thinking, "The rest of my life she is going to doubt me. I will never win. I keep screwing this up." Is that how it will be?
I tend to think your only alternative is really to take a deep breath, lie low to let things settle, then go with what your instincts tell you. You have great instincts, Sandy!!
Unfortunately, like me, you tend to mull everything over and over and end up driving your self nuts with over analyzing all the possibilities.
My gut tells me that he is done with her and where he wants/needs to be, and that's a good thing regardless of how he got there. However, I also completely understand about the fact that this is huge blow to the trust between you and I'm not sure you can really get past that without doing something to really get this issue resolved for both of you!
I also think that, with your values, you will never be able to be happy in your own mind and heart if you walk away when there was still some life in your marriage, and I definitely know there is still life there for both of you despite the pain, anger and mistrust.
There's a story I once heard about George Burns and Gracie Allen. Everybody knows that George Burns absolutely adored Gracie. They had been married 42 years when she died and he didn't follow her in death until 32 years later. He always had some young woman on his arm but he never remarried. He is buried next to her with the simple words on their memorial "Together Again".
Well, the story I heard was that apparently at some point in their marriage, George cheated on Gracie. Apparently he felt so guilty about it, but he couldn't bring himself to confess so he went out and bought her an expensive new table centerpiece that she had been wanting and he had thought was too extravagant. He said it was years later that he overheard Gracie telling a friend that she wished George would cheat on her again, because she was really tired of that centerpiece and wanted a new one! George had never realized she knew......
I love that story...... he knew where he belonged, and she knew he knew, and that was that. End of story. What strength and grace.
((((((hugs))))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
After a 24 hour moratorium on talking we did speak last night. I told him that I could not move forward until he helped me understand what this closure sounded/looked like for him.
This is what is said in general and not in order because there was talk and questions in between:
I wanted to know if what she said she felt for me was real (I asked him what she said and she told him that he was the love of her life and the best thing that ever happened to her).
I needed to come to the conclusion on my own that I was were I needed to be, and I am.
I needed to do that because when I came home last year it was under duress and once that went away I needed to sort it out.
I needed to figure out were I really belonged and who really cared about ME, who was really there for ME, who really loved ME.
I did all that last fall, I got to come to my own conclusion and it took awhile to sort it out. I am sorry. I am and will forever be sorry that i have done this to you and us. I don't blame you to walk away.
Last year at some point I guess after he came home somnewhere popped up a joke about "I won" meaning he came home to me.... it was said in a jest and we are a sarcastic humor couple sometimes so it was said tongue in cheek about being what I won... ya know boobie prize that such a thing.... last night in the conversation he got quiet after telling me the stuff above and and said "I know your going to laugh because we said it as a joke but I am not joking now.... you won Sandycay, but I am not a good prize.... I am sorry. I will make it up to us somehow.
I ask him if he ever was going to talk to her again in any way and he paused and then said "No"
I said are you sure of that 100 percent? Are you willing to bet everything on that? He said absolutely.
So then (based on some legal advice)I told him I expected him to sign a post nuptial agreement then that would entail no contact, if there is I will file, I will put her name in it so she will be served at work (thus getting her fired and dragging all her lovers & the poor wives into the mess) and i will get everything... house, retirements x(3), boat, cars, & kids. I told him he was free to put anything he wanted in the contract too. But I told him he needed to be sure about it... and he said "No problem, is it going to cost a lot to draw up those papers?"
Always the money man! So, I don't know if that's the right thing to do, but I told him it will help me feel safer.... and if I have that financial security .... I will feel safer to be able to stand on my own.
I did research it and you really need a lawyer to draw it up for most judges to look at it seriously.
Last edited by sandycay; 05/20/0904:05 PM.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
That is not a bad idea, actually. One of the books I read about the aftermath of the affair (I don't recall which, I read several!) mentioned something like that.
In many cases, in order to reconcile, the wife needed a 'good faith' gesture from her H. Sometimes it was quitting the job where OW was, sometimes moving to a new state, but in some cases, the husband put the home and bank accounts in his wife's name to show he didn't plan to go anywhere, and if he did, he would be leaving with nothing.
Glad he was honest with you about what happened. My gut says I would believe him, that it is over with her. But, I am not you. Good luck hon.
So then (based on some legal advice)I told him I expected him to sign a post nuptial agreement then that would entail no contact, if there is I will file, I will put her name in it so she will be served at work (thus getting her fired and dragging all her lovers & the poor wives into the mess) and i will get everything... house, retirements x(3), boat, cars, & kids. I told him he was free to put anything he wanted in the contract too. But I told him he needed to be sure about it... and he said "No problem, is it going to cost a lot to draw up those papers?"
Always the money man! So, I don't know if that's the right thing to do, but I told him it will help me feel safer.... and if I have that financial security .... I will feel safer to be able to stand on my own.
I did research it and you really need a lawyer to draw it up for most judges to look at it seriously.
HHHHMMMMM I wonder where that BRILLIANT idea came from??????
I believe, in my heart that things are going t obe okay. He DOES love you and he KNOWS he is where he belongs and where God wants him to be.
Now, other than getting that post-nup, LET IT GO!! It does no good to rehash it, either to him or in your mind. It is just crazy-making at its finest. I strongly believe that you finding the info was orchestrated by God--it was time for all the secrets to be out in the open. To walk away now lets the enemy win. God is giving you the opportunity to really move forward in a new honest relationship. Take it and enjoy it.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
[quote=StrgMarvelousWmn HHHHMMMMM I wonder where that BRILLIANT idea came from??????
SMW [/quote]
My lips are sealed! I have no idea, but it was free and good!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
