You are right, he does not have the stones to begin the D. The past 48 hours focused more on me and stopped talking R.
But he really pissed me off today and caught me totally off guard. He was very quiet this morning and than at lunch he started crying. I asked him if everything is okay and he said "what do you think"? I told him I was his friend and was open to listening and if he needed to leave I would be okay. H said he already knew that and I did not have to say it (he sounded very annoyed). He said I knew darn well what he is thinking about - I paused and than simply told him no I don't. I offered two guesses - you may be feeling guilty about leaving (H said he has made a mess of things); or, I told him he may be having second thoughts...he told me now was not the time to talk and said we'd talk later. When I came to talk after work he announced he was going to play tennis with his buddy and left. I sucked up every bit of anger and pride and told him to have fun.
I am venting right here so I can compose myself and run a few errands. I am dreading this long weekend. I think I know the answer to my question is to ignore R and just do something else; however, I wonder if I am entitled to ask him to clarify what he meant by ("you know what I am thinking")?
I do feel as you did however, if I don't make a move soon he will just continue to stick around and if I don't talk R he is able to stay and endure the uncomfortableness. It is so frustrating.
He's being a bit of a drama queen, and you are getting sucked in. If he wants to mope and cry, let him! If he wants to talk to you let him use words. Don't let him make you guess what he's thinking, if he wants to tell you, let him, but don't push him on it. If he says that you can guess what he's thinking, say something like, "Well, I might be able to guess, but I really don't have any way to know. Do you want to tell me?" And then drop it!
There is a quote from a book I have that I need to look up, that might help. I'll be back!
This is from "Passionate Marriage". The situation is totally different, but the point is the same... ... Joan suddenly realized that to preserve her own integrity, she had to go to bat for herself.
At breakfast the next morning, Joan expressed her feelings without focusing on Bill's reaction. "I'm no longer willing to accect how rarely we talk, " she said, "and I'm no longer willing to push you to do it. But don't assume I'm accepting things the way they are because I won't be nagging or criticizing you anymore. For myself, I don't want to be pathetically grateful just because my partner talks to me. Or has oral sex with me. And for you, I don't want you feeling pressured all the time by a screeching wife. I'll interpret what you do from here on as indicating your decision about how you really want to live. I'll make my decisions about my life accordingly"
Bill was stunned! He scrambled to get the conversation on familiar ground. "You're telling me what to do! You're pressuring me! Threatening me!"
"No," said Joan quietly. They both noticed her unusual calmness. "I'm telling you what I'm going to do. I have no idea what you're going to do. That's why I'm scared stiff. I'm threatening myself!" Joan expressed her dissatisfaction with the marrital part of her life, and her ambivalence about possibly ending their relationship. She didn't give Bill an ultimatum, but she made her own priorities and desires quite clear.
I don't know if that will help, but maybe it will, a bit. Save your integrity!
With all the life changes and mood swings, it sounds like your H is going through the major MLC changes.
I found this link that might be helpful. Essentially, you have to decide what you want to do - end it, or stay on the emotional rollercoaster that may last a few years.
Thank you for the website - I read some and have responded to her and she has returned my e-mail.
I thought H would be leaving as he said his mind was made up a week ago; but, he is still here and that seems to fit some of the MLC behavior.
I will go to the MLC posts and probably post there.
I survived the long weekend together all weekend with no talk of R. Man that was so difficult, today I just want to scream! I've been asking myself about having the stomach to remain on the rollercoaster and while I do I feel like I would like to tell H what I think is happening to him; but I would imagine H would not want to accept this...
Thanks again,
M 42 y.o. H 41 y.o. Married 16 years Bomb dropped 5/15/09 Still here
More than anything I want to keep my integrity. I spent the whole weekend with no R talk and H, of course, no R talk on his end. Actually no movement whatsoever on his end after he dropped bomb on 5/16/09. It was suggested I move to the MLC site and that probably is a good start but I am hesitant with H having no OW. Reading a couple of MLC posts and H is not mean to me and does not tell me he does not love me; but, he does seem to by cycling his emotions. I really want to tell him I think he is in MLC and I am going to act/treat him accordingly by staying out of the way and asking for nothing. I'll just try and live my life but it is so, so hard living and working together.
Is there an appropriate time to talk R even if H does not want to; or, is this a steadfast rule?
Thanks, M 42 Y.O. H 41 Y.O. Married 16 years Bomb 5/16/09 Still Here
Thank you Cat03. Your right there is no hurry for him to leave after dropping the bomb. He is basically just content to stay because the leaving part will be very difficult. He will have to tell his family and he thinks they will disown him and judge him to be crazy. Everyone we know will think he has lost his marbles to leave me and so he tells me over and over again that everyone will just judge him and that nobody cares or wants him to be happy.
I will do my best to focus on myself. We both work and live together and he still tells me I am his best friend and know him better than anyone else. I did not talk R for a week but last night could not stand it any longer. I asked him if it felt weird that he told me he no longer wants to be married and than continues to stay, he told me surprisingly no it did not feel all that weird to him, and I replied well it does to me. Just ignored, no doubt he feels what else do I have anyway. I also asked him if he would consider one last shot on the M while he is still living here. I reassured him the DB counselors were nonjudgmental and not interested in rehashing our whole life; but, he is not inclined. His reply, I know, I know it is my fault because I have not tried everything to save this marriage. I told him that was fine I was going to seek counseling for myself and that I understood he had no interest in our M. He said I did not have to give up hope...I want him to leave so bad. I am not going to leave and I am not going to file - I've always done everything for him and no doubt he expects me to do this also than he can say I left him.
How did you keep it together for so long, did you use the time to work solely on yourself or did you feel the longer he stayed the more hope for your marriage.
Thanks for listening, Michele M 42 H 41 No kids M 16 yrs. Together 22 years Hope fading...
