I know. I am just pissed that he can't man up about it. You know, if you can walk away from your family and give up on your marriage, then say it.
"I have no desire to be with you. I want a divorce and I have no intentions of working things out."
Something like that anyway. All the wussy "I just don't know how to forgive and move on, I can't forgive myself" crap is, well, crap.
The part that hurts the most is that I DO place a high, high value on my Christian faith. That is #1 ahead of everything. And I thought he was the same. He grew up going to church, baptized, confirmed, etc etc. I didn't go to church until I was 11 and made the choice to start going with a friend since my family didn't go. So I thought I was 'behind' him on that stuff.
But the first thing my Pastor asked me was, "Why does he come to church?" And he said he had serious doubts whether Dan really knew who God was and trusted in Him. Because if he did, he could never do the things he is doing. None of us are perfect, but if you believe in the values of the Bible, you don't walk away from your wife. Even if you cheat, you repent, you change your ways, you recommit.
I am just very sad today. Because this is it.
My parents are watching the kids tonight while we divide them (visitation) between us.
And I told Nathan that he was going to G/G house tonight, he asked why? I said so Dad and I can have time together.
He says, "I know what you are doing. You guys will hang out, relax. Then you will lay down next to each other and hug each other and kiss each other." And he had the goofiest grin. God Bless him, he has such a fantasy going...
So I will tell Dan tonight that we must tell the children, soon. They need to know that we are not going to be getting back together.
(And no that is not to coerce him of anything. I am just tired of the whole situation and it needs to stop.)
I dont think it necessary to have both of you together to tell the children. You know what needs to be said to them, and I think with Dan being present, you might unconciously alter your message some.
I know. I am just pissed that he can't man up about it. You know, if you can walk away from your family and give up on your marriage, then say it.
"I have no desire to be with you. I want a divorce and I have no intentions of working things out."
Something like that anyway. All the wussy "I just don't know how to forgive and move on, I can't forgive myself" crap is, well, crap.
The part that hurts the most is that I DO place a high, high value on my Christian faith. That is #1 ahead of everything. And I thought he was the same. He grew up going to church, baptized, confirmed, etc etc. I didn't go to church until I was 11 and made the choice to start going with a friend since my family didn't go. So I thought I was 'behind' him on that stuff.
But the first thing my Pastor asked me was, "Why does he come to church?" And he said he had serious doubts whether Dan really knew who God was and trusted in Him. Because if he did, he could never do the things he is doing. None of us are perfect, but if you believe in the values of the Bible, you don't walk away from your wife. Even if you cheat, you repent, you change your ways, you recommit.
I think he sugarcoats it because it makes him feel better about it, that he's not being so mean to you by just telling it like it is. It's just another way he's being selfish.
As for the Church stuff - I hear you on that one. Heck my W was a Lector and Parish Council Secretary at Church. Obviously meant nothing to her.
I hope tonight goes well for you - stay strong and don't get taken advantage of.
[quote=KerryKThanks John. Now I have this vision in my mind of him sneaking into some other farmers field at night wearing surgical gloves, carrying vaseline, a container and a copy of "Play Heifer Magazine". [/quote]
That is all kinds of wrong and why can't I stop laughing.
Thinking about you and yours. Take care
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Kalni, no I didn't answer to Nathan. I just changed the subject. Bad, I know. But I wasn't going to break it do him driving down the highway to get allergy shots on his first day without school for the summer. Couldn't do it.
No, we don't both have to be there necessarily. But Nathan's counselor gave me a guide for parents on handling the kids during a divorce and it said the best way when possible was to have both parents there and be honest about the reason for the divorce. I will not mention the affair as it has (I think) been over for quite some time. But the reason is that Dan has made the choice, and I won't share ownership of that choice. Period.
Kerry, I offered him 50/50 last fall when this talk started and he said he wished he could but he wasn't capable. So I think it will be more like one evening a week and alternate weekends. And unless I push him to stay here some nights there won't be overnights until his house is done. Which means he needs to get moving on the house.
Tonight is just about the details and arrangements, financial decisions I will take to the lawyer, scheduling of the kids for June (hopefully a general, consistent day of the week that we will keep for long-term), and deciding when/what to tell the kids.
I re-read what we told them in January, and PER DAN, we told them that we were taking a break to figure out how to get back together again because we BOTH wanted to do that. Now I see that as total BS and it irritates me...
Anyway I want to tell them before Disney b/c I don't want Nathan expecting things or reading into things that we are taking that trip together. Dan may say that would ruin the trip but it is still 2 weeks away so if we told them this weekend there would be time to re-group. The only thing I do know is that these 3-4 'family' nights per week is going to stop. That is not what divorcing people do.
But Nathan's counselor gave me a guide for parents on handling the kids during a divorce and it said the best way when possible was to have both parents there and be honest about the reason for the divorce. I will not mention the affair as it has (I think) been over for quite some time. But the reason is that Dan has made the choice, and I won't share ownership of that choice. Period.
I could not agree more, BBJ. When my W and I have "the talk" with our girls, I will refuse to sit there and lie to them with the some lame story of "Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore and think it's best that we divorce, yada - yada - yada". I won't air all the dirty laundry, but I'm not going to sit there and tell them that I want a divorce when it's not true.
I have had this convo with D9's counselor and she told me the same. It is up to H to take full ownership of the choices he is making. The kids KNOW I do not want daddy to be gone from the house, that we want him to come home. He needs to own his decision to walk out and not look back if we ever get to the point of having to tell the kids he wants a divorce.
Prayers for you and the kids!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Thanks Marvelous Lady! Many prayers were said by me tonight, trust me...
Nutshell version--Ol' Mikey wins the door prize.
"If I was sure I was making the right decision I would have already filed and moved on and been done with it..."
The final comment on his part was, that he asked me not to file until he talked to our Pastor. Not to talk to the kids about the situation until he talked to our Pastor. He said he couldn't promise anything but wanted to talk to him before anything else happened...
That is all kinds of wrong and why can't I stop laughing.
Many prayers were said by me tonight, trust me...