Learning to Detach

[D Money]

HI K

Checking to see how you're doing. Wow! How things have changed so quickly. Remember to keep zero expectations.

[kjensen]

Hi D,
Things have changed quickly-very down and up..kind of scares me b/c I wonder if this is real.

I was expecting and dreading this to take many more months and/or years. But my H doesn't follow all of the MLC behaviors, but definitely many. Maybe therapy and antidepressants helped things, although I don't think H is any less depressed.

The divorce thing threw me. Even though H says the OW wasn't the reason for him leaving and for our relationship failing, it does seem related to him asking for a divorce. He sees it as ironic that the day his lawyer got his retainer for a divorce, the OW broke up with him..The few details he's given me about OW over the last few days definitely give validity to the idea we have here that the OP is a bit nutty/needy/crazy...

In any case, H has opened up since asking for a D and continues to. So that is all good. I'll let you know what happens...Thanks for the reminder of no expectations(I keep expecting the worst)...

[D Money]

Try to keep yourself even keeled. Don't get yourself caught up in the rollercoaster or at least take a couple dramamine.

I've had a little movement in my situation as well. Not quite like yours but my wife peeked her head out last week and then withdrew. Check out my thread if you get a chance. I think I'm buried on page 4 by now.

[kjensen]

Update:
So I'm dealing with new stuff. H keeps saying he feels like an idiot(doesn't get specific about what, but I am guessing the whole A/OW thing)- I'm hoping he doesn't run back in the tunnel now that he has a more sane perspective and seems to come out of his OW fog...

He is very sad about how our girls are disconnected from him. I think that will take consistent effort on his part and time(anyone have experience with this?).

H says he wants to do smething with me this weekend..I worry that is spending time with me because there is no one else and he has stated he doesn't like being in his apartment because its lonely. H has to decide where to move in the next 6 weeks as his lease is up. I did offer that he could move home but that if he did I would expect that he would make a committment to work on the marriage. I know that may have been poor DBing, but the reality is, if he moves back and then moves out again it would devastate not just me, but our daughters. He has thought about moving home but is worried it would be awkward and I agreed it would be a bit awkward until we all readjusted, and the girls were sure he was staying.

I guess I need to read up more about piecing. I'm not sure we are there yet-it seems so fast compared to other people's situations.. I have no expectations and in fact most of the time I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. H hasn't said anything directly about wanting to be with me...I just seem to be a friend and sounding board that he desperately needs. I hope I'm not being used...

[peacetoday]

I have no experience here
but I think from what ive read especially here is it may take a lot of adjustment time once they even decide to try to work on the M
I dont think he would be using you to spend time with him
you can use this as an opportunity to show him what a great choice he can make by coming back even a little
sometimes they come back
sometimes fast
sometimes some leave again
I guess there might not be a real way to know, but it has to be worth the try
speak to a DB Coach
If he does decide to try im sure there is a way you both can explain to girls
maybe post on BND or JTB a new 2moro or Upside and ask them to come over to give you advice
also good idea to read piecing and ask some of them to visit your thread
keep us posted
no expectations
peace

[kjensen]

Update
H and I spent most of Friday together as I had it off. We had some really good talks-he is still opening up alot about his doubts and fears and what he's been going through with the OW for the past several weeks.
I told him about some brainstormng I'd done regarding he future he and I had talked about-downsizing and simplifying our lives/house, putting the money saved away for the girls college fund(super-important goal for him)..Showed him some townhomes I'd looked at with D11 last weekend...He was really interested and talked about the possibility of us doing that together.

The girls had a b-day slumber party to go to last night. H and I went out to dinner and had a really good time(the pints helped!). Went back to his place and I stayed over. It was awesome but felt a bit fast for both of us. Neither of us is sure
how to proceed. H talks about a future together, but not as an absolute-still hedging his bets a bit which is understandable. But definite improvement. Talked about changing cell phone number so OW couldn't reach him even though he didn't think she would-he sees a lot of her flaws now.

[peacetoday]

K
this sounds all very good
keep on doing what you are doing
it seems to be working
it happens
people get back together
I have known and seen many couples in my area split and get back
peace

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace,
I'm still very nervous and doubting things will work out. The girls spent the nght at a friends again(this never happens, especially two nights in a row!) so I checked in with H and he was bored (even with the Nuggets game on!)and said he'd come over. Stayed over, we talked a little. I can sense withdrawing which even though I am expecting, makes a me a wee bit sad and a lot nervous! H has been trying to reconcile who he knew me as with who I am now(just a few differences) and as I explained he apologized for having a double standard! He is definitely very observant and questions things I say if he thinks they aren't consistent.
Today is OW's birthday and H shared that he'd gotten her a present and returned it. He hadn't had plans with her, but still seemed sad. He is still looking at 'downsizing' places for us on the internet with some interest(on his own)..yet does bring up..if we divorce then...., if we stay together then...kinds of statements.

Kissed me goodbye as he went of for a bike ride today with our mutual family friend, who has been extremely supportive of H and of us keeping our marriage together.

Suspect H will be a bit more distant for now and have plans of my own for the rest of the weekend, with my forever absent daughters!

Its been nice being close to him again-makes me just want more! I do realize why I absolutely love him and always will. But I'm trying to have no expectations, having no hopes is another matter altogether! I just am scared he won't really want me.

[peacetoday]

K
its understandable , your concerns , thoughts and feelings
this is not an easy road
good that you also undertand your H is still confused and in crises
he will connect and distance
he probably has so much to process through
I do think they fear the M will be the same and the changes are not real
all you can do is what you are already doing
being there for him
then letting him go
he will ultimately make the decision and he made need lots of time and space for this
good you stay busy
be there for him when time is right
trust the process
peace

[kjensen]

Update:
More positives..we finished our last couples communication class last night and H said he never thought he'd say it, but he got a lot out of the class and was glad we took it. He even talked to the therapist who ran the class about taking us on as clients(MC!-NEVER thought I'd hear him say that!!!)..He is still hedging bets-not committing to moving home/recomitting to me, but defnitely getting closer to me emotionally and physically.
Still thinking about buying a smaller home with me...little things.
I'm trying to remain upbeat and supportive. H is still depressed. I still worry a lot that things will somehow regress and he'll move on without me. I'm still scared I'll be hurt even more. Scared of rejection.
But I try to focus on the positive-which there is more of than in the last few months!